Sil didn't compliment even once!

amother

Honeysuckle

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 2:37 pm

Not much to add to the many helpful responses, but I do wonder: Aren't the odds fairly high that she is on here and will see this? (Was that your intention?) I can imagine if she does struggle and is feeling insecure, perhaps has been beating herself up about not complimenting you but had been formulating the words in her head of how to best show her appreciation and then by the time she figured it out, the timing was off, she may see this post and feel even worse.

amother

↑ Hosta ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 2:43 pm

I host my brother and sil all the time and they never compliment food and decor nor am I looking for it. At the end of Shabbos they’ll say thanks so much the food was delicious. Sometimes sil will offer to bring a dish.

I’m not looking for anything more, I enjoy spending time with them!

amother

↑ Aubergine ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 2:52 pm

amother NeonPurple wrote:

I understand you op. I make really nice meals and my sil only looks to criticize.

She didn't criticize anything! She just said thank you.

amother

Aqua ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 2:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think that you're being unfair towards her.
She's a shy newlywed that most likely felt overwhelmed. Please don't judge her so harshly & give her time to warm up to the family.

amother

↑ Aqua ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 2:55 pm

amother Aubergine wrote:

She didn't criticize anything! She just said thank you.

And that is enough!
Herb husband complimented, that should make you happy enough.
You should host for people, not for compliments.

amother

↑ Aqua ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 2:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

I guess I'm so different that to me it's inconceivable that someone can act this way. My other sil is the opposite when she comes. So complimentary and thankful.
I guess I'll give it more time.
Thanks everyone!
And to explain I don't need a million compliments but some acknowledgement of my food and decor would have been appropriate.

She thanked you. Your brother in law complimented. That is enough.

amother

Melon

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 2:59 pm

I actually don't even notice if guests compliment. I do notice if they eat the food and that's a compliment. If you compliment my food and don't eat it that's insulting.
I also appreciate when female guests help serve.

amother

Eggplant ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 3:01 pm

I've been married a long time, but I'm still shy and I'm also not a bubbly type of person. I will say the food was delicious or I love how you set the table, or a gorgeous dress or whatever, but I'm not the bubbly type so it's not the same volume or level of expressiveness that someone more outgoing and expressive would give it over with.
Also I think many newlyweds are intimidated the first few times with the inlaws, however friendly they are. And it sounds like you are an amazing host, which is certainly even more intimidating. I was really nervous around my inlaws when I was newly married. It was only when I got to know them better that I warmed up. And there's a lot of adjustments at the beginning of marriage-new husband, home possibly other new things and she may be feeling overwhelmed.
Remember at the end of the day, you don't have to have every family member as a bff, be friendly and accomodating. And it may be she'll become more of an acquaintance that you keep up with and are there together at family simchos, or maybe she'll warm up and become your bff.

amother

Salmon

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 3:08 pm

You said she's very shy. And your bil complimented you. I know a few coupleswhere the wife is so shy that she lets the husband speak on her behalf. One friend of DH says thank you whenever they leave and compliments everything and the wife just nods along and thanks us without compliments. Some ppl don't like to speak a lot.

amother

↑ Hosta ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 3:08 pm

If you’re inviting them for compliments from each of them, then I guess don’t invite them again

If you’re inviting them just bec you want to spend time with them and host the new couple, then yes invite them

I personally don’t invite people to get compliments. I invite to share company or be helpful and gracious.

lamplighter ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 3:10 pm

She's shy and newly married. She said thank you and her DH complimented you. Sounds perfectly appropriate.
She may have even been intimated by all your obvious effort and over the top hosting. Many people are uncomfortable with that kind of hosting.
When I have newly married couples I actually dial down the menu and decor, I want the newly married wife to feel comfortable and like she can do this.
If you want to build a relationship with this SIL, don't try to impress her and catch her out on things, get to know her and appreciate her for who she is.

Raizle ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 3:19 pm

Not sure if anyone mentioned this but when you have a few people complimenting you (OP said bil and other guest were) and being talkative, then it's natural for the quiet person to either not speak up or get heard. Could be she didn't know how to get a word in while others were being effusive. Or she nodded in agreement and you didn't see or she quietly agreed with her husband "yes it was delicious" and you didn't hear.

I think you are looking for the validation too much. Just leave her be and give her a chance. I'm assuming she's young too.

amother

Starflower

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 3:44 pm

[quote="amother OP"]It's also more of a question if I should invite them again. My bil was ultra complimentary. I told dh afterwards that we should really invite them more often. But his wife's behavior really turned me off.
Maybe I should be the better one. But I can't stand when people act like this.[/quote}

If you’re hosting your new SIL with the goal of getting compliments then you’re doing it for the wrong reason. Do it to do it. Do it to make her feel welcome. Do it for her not for you. Do it with a whole heart

amother

Cream

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 3:48 pm

I'm very shy and my DHs family definitely overwhelmed me for quite a while after we got married. I would have probably done similar, not said much but said thank you at the end. Please don't judge her. It's so hard being a new sil in the family and doubly hard if she is shy. Welcome her and make her feel comfortable and eventually she will open up.

asmileaday

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 3:54 pm

Please don't try so hard and don't put so much effort into the food and decor. I'd be very uncomfortable if someone did that to me.
Host them again only if you truly want to and dial back on the prep. She may have felt overwhelmed.
Did Bil compliment you in front of sil? If yes she might feel like she complimented you thru her husband.
When dh compliments his family I feel as if it's coming from the both of us.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 3:58 pm

amother Hosta wrote:

You just contradicted yourself.
I didn't need her to gush. One time saying everything was delicious would be enough.

It's weird not to say a word about your hosts food. Even if I ate at someone who cooks horribly I would still say something.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 3:59 pm

For all you saying you were or are too shy to compliment a hosts food. Please know it can come across very insulting.
BH I know I'm a good cook. But for someone who's unsure they can really be complexed.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:00 pm

[quote="amother Starflower"]

amother OP wrote:

It's also more of a question if I should invite them again. My bil was ultra complimentary. I told dh afterwards that we should really invite them more often. But his wife's behavior really turned me off.
Maybe I should be the better one. But I can't stand when people act like this.[/quote}

If you’re hosting your new SIL with the goal of getting compliments then you’re doing it for the wrong reason. Do it to do it. Do it to make her feel welcome. Do it for her not for you. Do it with a whole heart

I'm not hosting for compliments.
But if someone acts cold and uncomplimentary it's a huge turnoff for me.
I am the exact opposite. If someone took the time and effort to cook for me I will acknowledge it.

amother

↑ Hosta ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 4:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

She doesn’t always say the food was good- sometimes just my brother does. They both say thank you. And they ate the food so I assume they thought it was good. I don’t host them for the compliments. She helps clean and serve etc she has good middos and I don’t need her to compliment my cooking.