Should I let my dd have a bf?

amother

Ginger ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’m just new to having a teenager so wanna know how common this is in by circles and if ppl do let there kids have bf/gf?

Girls in BY circles do not have boyfriends, but are also not usually friends with the opposite s-x either. Personally I don’t see how you can really have one without the other. Did you not think that her having guy friends would probably lead to her wanting a boyfriend?

I can’t answer about whether or not you should let based on your circles. But I will say that a daughter having a relationship you approve of and are involved with, is waaaay way way better than a relationship you don’t even know about

Mamushka ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:36 pm

How about discussing with her what it would mean to her having a bf. What would she expect from such a relationship. What is a healthy relationship look like?

ftm1234

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:36 pm

If boys are attracted to her bc of the way she looks, my answer would be NO.

They are teenagers with raging hormones and if they want her bc she’s “hot” I can easily see this going in the wrong direction.

Not safe, IMO.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:36 pm

amother Hyacinth wrote:

I think it's time for a haskafic conversation on why you don't want her to have a bf..or at least what the risks are. Are you are letting her decide or telling her you don't approve? I think you can say this is not what you want for her bec it comes with all these kinds of risks and how does she feel about it. But really depends if you're ok with it at the end of the day.

Idk if I’m ok with it. It’s less abt me and more abt her and if this will ruin her future etc

amother

Lime

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:36 pm

If you have the power to dissuade her it's obviously the better option. If she sincerely meant to ask you permission you can discuss with her all the negatives of being close to a boy outside of marriage.
Frum BY girls don't have boyfriends. It never leads to good things. Again, only if she can be convinced by you that you are on her team and only want what's best for her. Otherwise she can go behind your back. So it all depends on your relationship and how much she will accept your opinion.

amother

Sienna ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:37 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’m just new to having a teenager so wanna know how common this is in by circles and if ppl do let there kids have bf/gf?

When you said “in by circles” did you mean bais yakov circles?
In bais yakov type schools girls don’t have boyfriends. I can’t tell you how to parent or what your values should be but if you’re asking how by girls behave, they don’t have bf’s and wouldn’t ask.

amother

Lemonlime ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:37 pm

Does she plan on being shomer negiah? Because that’s almost impossible. And if she isn’t, are you ok with that? That isn’t “very frum” anymore.

amother

↑ Bluebell ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’m just new to having a teenager so wanna know how common this is in by circles and if ppl do let there kids have bf/gf?

In BY circles? Absolutely not.
Is that who you identify with?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:39 pm

amother Ginger wrote:

We are fam friends. They never hang out alone type. I know that if she is gonna go down this path it’s gonna be w someone I approve of and we are very close and I really hope if I say no she won’t rebel. But how can I be sure

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:40 pm

ftm1234 wrote:

This is a good point.

amother

↑ Gold ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

You can’t be sure of anything. But if she’s a BY very frum girl as you say this shouldn’t really be an issue. Explain to her why it’s problematic. Explain that it’s not done in these circles and she will be ruining her future if she planned on staying a BY girl. So what does she want? Is she not interested in a BY sem or living this way?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:41 pm

amother Sienna wrote:

We really are in by circles. It’s oot by so a bit diff but still I didn’t think asking is the worst thing ever. I’m honestly happy she asked and didn’t just do

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:42 pm

Mamushka wrote:

Why do you need to be home before shkiya?

lol for her to daven mincha. She’s very frum in that way

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:42 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

Does she plan on being shomer negiah? Because that’s almost impossible. And if she isn’t, are you ok with that? That isn’t “very frum” anymore.

I’m def not ok w it. And she does. She’s such a good girl it’s for sure just hormones but omg this is so hard

amother

↑ Cappuccino ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:42 pm

ftm1234 wrote:

I agree. She’ll most likely end up heartbroken by a guy who doesn’t even care about her in the long run.

OP, if it were my daughter I would say absolutely not, no discussion, and shut down the topic for good. Very rarely do these relationships last. Maybe put her in a hobby where she can have goals to achieve so she’s not thinking about this.

Maybe also tell her she can start shidduchim at around 18 at least so she can begin dating soon, just not now.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:43 pm

amother Bluebell wrote:

In BY circles? Absolutely not.
Is that who you identify with?

Yes. She does at least

amother

↑ Bluebell ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

We really are in by circles

Somehow doesn't sound like it based on the circumstances, her question, your reaction...

amother

↑ Gold ↓

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’m def not ok w it. And she does. She’s such a good girl it’s for sure just hormones but omg this is so hard

What’s so hard?

amother

Chocolate

Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:44 pm

You should both listen to the Rabbi Dovid Orlofsky speech on this topic. I'll try to find it.

ETA: I think its this one. https://www.rabbiorlofsky.com/.....ships