You have too many kids, ma!

amother

Dahlia ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 11:58 am

amother Banana wrote:

I believe that when teens act out, it's generally a cry for attention, a cry to be seen or heard because they feel misunderstood or ignored.

Yes so in essence their theory is right
More kids = more difficult situation on all fronts (time/attention/financial/etc)
But you can balance that out saying this is what Hashem wants (mesirus Nefesh, we need to grow the Jewish nation as compared to how it was during the holocaust and a big portion of people were nifter, etc.)
Finish off by saying
“I love you, but we have responsibilities, and it is hard, is there anything I can do to make it better or easier for you?”(a hug, treat as reward for cleaning, more time to talk, etc.)

amother

↑ Eggplant ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 11:58 am

amother Banana wrote:

I believe that when teens act out, it's generally a cry for attention, a cry to be seen or heard because they feel misunderstood, ignored, or frustrated.

Do you have teens? Because often it’s just a tactic because they see the parent recoils and they end up getting out of the job. Not every tantrum about helping needs to be taken so seriously.

amother

↑ Banana ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:00 pm

mha3484 wrote:

I agree that behavior is communication but its not an excuse to lay down and take it. It makes our teens bratty and entitled adults. We need to communicate with them, teach them how to do the tasks we want them to do and set expectations that they will do it. I find myself thinking a lot about what kind of adult do I want my kid to be and then how can I get there starting now.

Of course we parents don't have to tolerate chutzpah & disrespect. Those our teaching moments & not times when parents should lose it & get in to a power struggle with our kids.

amother

Firebrick ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:09 pm

https://www.instagram.com/kris.....PqwQ/

Teens will be teens! Don't take it personally! In general most kids don't like to help. It's erev yom tov, everyone is a little more stressed! So she said that to make you feel guilty for asking her to help out.
When my kids are in those moods I try not to ask them anything at all! (As tempting as it is to ask for help, I basically act as if they're not around!)
If you have other kids at home that do help, make sure to shower them with loud compliments and give them treats to thank them for their help.

amother

↑ Eggplant ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:10 pm

amother Firebrick wrote:

https://www.instagram.com/kristinakuzmic/reel/DBHIbIlPqwQ/

Teens will be teens! Don't take it personally! In general most kids don't like to help. It's erev yom tov, everyone is a little more stressed! So she said that to make you feel guilty for asking her to help out.
When my kids are in those moods I try not to ask them anything at all! (As tempting as it is to ask for help, I basically act as if they're not around!)

But now you just created an easy method to never lift a finger. They put on the mood and magic you leave them alone. You just got played. I ignore the mood and proceed with my request as if I didn’t hear the whining and talk back.

amother

↑ Banana ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:11 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

Do you have teens? Because often it’s just a tactic because they see the parent recoils and they end up getting out of the job. Not every tantrum about helping needs to be taken so seriously.

Yes, I have afew teens, and I believe that there's something behind their chutzpah. It's not just because. There's something triggering their behavior.

amother

Peach

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:13 pm

I agree its possible OP is right and her teen is being chutzpadik like many teens do.
But we were given no information...its technically possible that the teen really is shouldering too much and is feeling it.
Without knowing the ages of the other kids, the atmosphere of the house, and the things this teen is asked to do, noone has any way of knowing the real situation

amother

↑ Eggplant ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:14 pm

amother Banana wrote:

Yes, I have afew teens, and I believe that there's something behind their chutzpah. It's not just because. There's something triggering their behavior.

I think just creates anxiety in them to be honest. They can have a burst of hormones and that’s all it is, or they didn’t sleep enough. It’s not healthy to make them think there is so much behind each thought and feeling.

amother

Olive

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:15 pm

amother Banana wrote:

Yes, I have afew teens, and I believe that there's something behind their chutzpah. It's not just because. There's something triggering their behavior.

Yes, but the trigger can have nothing to do with the parent. I would PMS really badly as a teen until my hormones regulated.....

When I was PMSing I was totally obnoxious it was like a monster took over me....

Was a learning curve for all of us for few years....

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:16 pm

She didn't want to help. I was having a really rough day. I usually don't ask for help during the evening hours. She's not a night person. My husband was out. The younger ones were acting crazy. My teen was off the entire day from school. She also made a comment I'm not off from school to help you.( I bet her principal would beg to differ). My other teen who I asked for help said it doesn't matter how much I help you'll still be stressed. That's why I'm not bothering. And walked away.

I just want to say that I try not to ask for help when I can do it myself . I can twist myself into a pretzel to be there and help my teens when they need help with something. I needed some help yesterday. I dont expect them to twist themselves into a pretzel for me . Just some basic decency. And I got these cruel responses. I keep on thinking how did I do such a poor job raising them??? This is not some dysfunctional family that the parents are checked out and the kids are running the house. Isn't it basic decency that if you see someone needs help it's okay to give 20 minutes of your time??

amother

↑ Firebrick

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:17 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

Yes on that day, they get away with it. Sometimes it's worth not getting into a power struggle.

What do you do if you proceed with your request and teen ignores you?

amother

↑ Banana ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

So 2 of your teens made comments about the household/helping?
I bet there's truth to what they're saying.
Are you always stressed & nervous & this is their way if telling you? Do you generally talk calm to your kids or are do you often snap & are nervous?

amother

Denim ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:20 pm

I would use this as an opportunity to get to the bottom of what they’re feeling. Talk to them and show them you really want to understand them. Once they feel heard and taken care of I’m sure they’ll want to help you as well.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:27 pm

amother Banana wrote:

So 2 of your teens made comments about the household/helping?
I bet there's truth to what they're saying.

I don't enjoy your posts, banana. And I really think you're projecting your unhappy experience to this thread. I doubt you have teens ,yet, either. I keep on seeing the common tactic of passing the buck around with my teens. If one teen refuses to do it, the other one passed the buck as well. If (insert name ) isn't helping then why should I help, too?
So you would like to hear the truth? The truth is like I said in my original post I also have multiples. I usually dont ask for any help. But they were acting cuckoo I needed another big person in the room (I was there too!!!) to help me because I was worried someone was going to get hurt. All I asked was for a body on the couch. Yes, bring your phone or device. I didn't care. Just be present. And that was too much!!!

amother

↑ Banana ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:30 pm

amother Olive wrote:

Correct. I didn't say that the trigger always have something to do with the parents. But there's generally a trigger for chutzpah behavior. PMS is a common trigger for teen girls acting out & parents need to keep that in mind & not feed in to their outbursts.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:31 pm

amother Denim wrote:

I know exactly what they are feeling. That life changed dramatically after the multiples were born. We used to do teen oriented trips and really fun family things together. I'm still trying to find my footing. I do most things without any help. But if I ask for very time limited help like take a toddler and buckle them into the car seat so I only have to do one its the end of the world.

amother

↑ Banana ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

As I said upthread several times, I do have afew teens. If my teen would tell me that "no matter how much I help you, you'd still be stressed", I would look in to where that comment is coming from. Especially if a different child also expressed something along those lines.
Your teens may feel unheard, misunderstood, or that you're not available for them. They may feel like you're always stressed, kids can feel it even if we don't think so. Maybe they feel like you only talk to them when you want something from them.
I'd look in to what is triggering those comments.

amother

Skyblue ↓

Tue, Oct 15 2024, 12:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

Do they know that you know?