DH invited guest | Imamother

amother

↑ Ballota

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 9:22 pm

Maybe think of another solution.. maybe your husband would agree to buy more things for this meal, desert? Or some other food... I doubt they're expecting a gourmet dinner. People are full from challah, dips and soup Forsure..

amother

Offwhite

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 9:25 pm

Op I get you I get the stress you have from cooking and cleaning and making sure everything is ready and kids look neat and clean and house is neat and clean. It can be exhausting
I never had the gall to uninvite my in laws but I do get why you did

amother

↑ Carnation ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 9:29 pm

amother Honeydew wrote:

It’s far enough in advance it’s not disrespectful to say he didn’t consult with me. Him deciding she said yes is not actually consulting her. There is nothing disrespectful about it.

We're not talking about random strangers here. We're talking about her in laws. To me, uninviting in laws is disrespectful. Regardless if it's still far enough in advance or not.
Unless there's more to the story, uninviting parents or in laws because your meals are hectic, is just not a valid excuse for such disrespect.

amother

Tomato ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 9:46 pm

Honestly you're 100% wrong. It's one meal so you deal with it. Even if it means you get takeout for that meal, you use plastic for that meal, your husband has to help more for that meal. It's disgusting to uninvite somebody especially your in laws. They're probably very, very hurt.
Your excuses sound extremely lame. Lots of us are in the same situation with demanding babies, kids who act up, lots of food to cook, warm it up, set a table, etc.
Even if you didn't want them to come but your husband invited them. It's extremely wrong. It also looks like you have major issues in Shalom Bayis.

amother

Blue

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 9:56 pm

I would’ve presented another option , like “sukkot is very hectic and my baby is demanding. How about a quieter Shabbat when things tone down?”

I still would’nt have uninvited them tho… what’s2 more plates? Don’t clean your house. Tell them it’s dirty before and ask them to make dishes too lol

amother

Starflower ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 10:02 pm

Assuming there are no extenuating circumstances such as shalom bayis issues, a complicated history with inlaws, health or pregnancy issues, or some other reason, I think its in poor taste to uninvite your inlaws.

We are all very overwhelmed, too much to clean and cook, difficult babies, too much yom tov. These are his parents not random strangers. Assuming they are decent people, you should open your home for one meal and deal with it. Imagine you are older and want to spend time with your children and your daughter in law says no because she's stressed out.

I host my parents every yom tov. It's very hard for me. They are difficult, socially off, and exhausting. I work full time and have a house full of babies and toddlers. Too bad on me. I suck it up for two/three days a few times a year because they are my parents. I don't do it for them. I do it for me. Hashem gave me this obligation and I am a better person for doing the right thing.

amother

Waterlily ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 10:05 pm

Sounds like you got upset and overwhelmed and acted in haste.
I think you went about this the wrong way. You should not have uninvited them, that's rude to them and to your spouse and embarrasses him. You basically told your in laws that you and their son have issues communicating and your setting the story straight. How upsetting for them on top of the actual retracted invitation.
What you should have done is discussed it with DH, figured out any which way to make it work, any compromises you could think of, and then HE should have gone back to his parents to explain if there was a change in plans.
If I were you I would repair this asap. Apologize to your DH and call your in laws back to try and make a plan that works for both of you.
This is not boundaries, this is rude.

amother

Stoneblue

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 10:07 pm

amother Carnation wrote:

Random strangers is much, much, much easier than in laws who are walking thru your house judging and complaining about a small succah, and don't have any concept or memory of what it means to be a mother of little kids.

I don't know that I would have had the nerve to uninvite, but I would have never been ok with dh inviting them. They can invite you for a meal, you can get together in a park or something on chol hamoed.

Ruchi ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 10:08 pm

OP may be feeling so overwhelmed that it's too pressurising and stressful for her to even entertain the thought of having guests. If she can't handle this, who are we to judge?

Last edited by Ruchi on Sun, Oct 06 2024, 10:12 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Dustypink

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 10:11 pm

Sorry op
Thought you meant they were coming to stay for all of sukkos including chol hamoed
One seudah…I admit I’d try to find a way to make it work even if challenging
He didn’t invite a guest he invited his family his parents for one seudah
Hugs and hatzlocha

amother

↑ Starflower ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 10:11 pm

amother Stoneblue wrote:

Does this generation understand what kibbud av vaem even means anymore?

So what if they are whiney and difficult?

Unless there is abuse or extenuating circumstances, you deal with it. Feeling stressed or them being difficult is not a good enough reason. Besides, this is one meal. Not all three days. Lucky OP. She has to deal for a few hours.

amother

↑ Lavender ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 10:14 pm

I'm guilty of disinviting. I invited my in-laws this year. But then I came down with pneumonia plus additional things going on. I hope to have them sukkos, but sometimes there really is too much stuff going on.

amother

↑ Starflower ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 10:17 pm

amother Lavender wrote:

How is getting pneumonia which can take weeks to fully recover from relevant?

You had extenuating circumstances.

amother

↑ DarkKhaki ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 10:17 pm

amother Starflower wrote:

Welcome to the Snowflake generation. Where we are all victims of trauma and everything is triggering.

And no offense to op here...she didn't give much detail so maybe she is right and her in laws are horrible critical people. And her husband is selfish and wont help. But for the most part I think the younger generation just doesn't like to inconvenience themselves and doesnt feel obligated to kibbud av like many of our parents did for their parents. I'm guilty of the same. It's sometimes easier to just take the easy way out. But sometimes we have to push ourselves.

tichellady

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 10:19 pm

It sounds like you and dh are not communicating well and working as a team. I think it would be nice to host but you shouldn’t feel like it’s all on you. He should be involved and they could possibly contribute to the meal

amother

Cornsilk

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 10:22 pm

My parents invited themselves! Only one adult single with them.
I was going to invite them, but my mum beat me to it.

And for my father in law, he wants to come to us for Simchas Torah day meal. He's in a home, wheelchair bound a good 40 mins walk away with pushing him uphill. Dh needs to get up 7.30am that morning to go fetch him for shul.
Not easy! But no choice. Kibbud AV v'eaim.

They have a minyan/shul and a sukka in the home but he's lonely and wants to go to a regular minyan!

familyfirst

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 10:26 pm

Can you make a call

Tell them that you made the last call when things were chaotic, but bh things calmed down and you could think more clearly.

It would be an honor to host you- we’d love your company! Please understand that the hiuse may be on wheels and the food won’t be fancy, but if you can overlook it, it would be so nice for us to have the seuda together.

They could be exceptionally gracious and suck it up, and never mention it again. Or they could politely decline, say we see that this is not a good time for you, iyh we’ll have other opportunities and turn down the re- invite.

Either way, they’d be correct.