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-> Children's Health
amother
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 Mon, Sep 16 2024, 10:59 pm
| amother Calendula wrote: | And then you end up with a teen - now young adult - with severe medical trauma who also hates their parents and doesn't have that relationship. Is it worth it? Possibly it would depend on the situation. Should you try everything else first? Absolutely yes.
This isn't the type of thing where you go, I'm the parent and I will exert my authority. You're causing trauma, violating their body, and inflicting serious pain. This isn't like insisting they do their homework or no more screentime.
Save this idea for if there is absolutely no other choice. |
When the option is death or a child who hates me, I will 100% choose a child who hates me every single time. This has nothing to do with me exerting my autonomy. It has to do with me knowing that if I allow my child to make their own choices, they will die. I'm guessing based on OPs post that we're not talking about something like antibiotics for strep throat, but something far more serious. I don't know how time sensitive the situation is, but if a single day of waiting would lower my child's chance for a full recovery, I would not wait a single day to start treatment, even if it meant taking away my child's autonomy. At the same time, I would get my child a therapist who specializes in childhood illnesses and work on setting up a lot of support to make it easier for them (big sister, family, exciting trips etc), but no, I would not risk my kid's life even if they will hate me for the rest of their lives. And this is unfortunate, but pediatric doctors deal with this all the time. It's part of their job.
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amother
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Mon, Sep 16 2024, 11:01 pm
| amother Freesia wrote: | | No dr would be liable because the child refused treatment. |
They would absolutely be liable as it is considered medical neglect if the parents don't force treatment. Doctors are mandated reporters and they'd legally need to report this to CPS.
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amother
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Mon, Sep 16 2024, 11:02 pm
| amother Freesia wrote: | | Not so simple. A teen does have some autonomy within the medical system- especially an older teen. Is there a mental health issue like depression that could be addressed? |
They 100% do, but when it's a life or death situation, it's very easy to override that.
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amother
Lightcoral
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Tue, Sep 17 2024, 5:06 pm
Unless you actually have experienced this scenario it’s very difficult to understand it
There’s a lot of emotions involved here. The parent is scared for child’s health (life) and the child is dealing with fear as well as unpleasant effects of the treatments
Another point is that teenagers by definition think that “it won’t happen to me” and the more the professionals and parents emphasize that the child’s life depends on it- the more scary and emotional it becomes and the child may try to do everything in their power to remove themselves from this scary situation (denial is a great coping mechanism- so ironically- sometimes the more you emphasize the scary parts- the more they want to deny it. The adults think “we have to explain it better” and it backfires because the kid understands too well)
This can cause a very intense emotional situation in which the intense emotions of both child and parents feed off each other
A therapist can be very helpful here, and possibly a psychiatrist can evaluate for anxiety and/or depression, sometimes medication is called for, sometimes not
Chai Lifeline, Tanzers and other volunteers can help the child as they are going through the actual procedures (which are by definition very unpleasant)
The most important thing I found as a parent is to really sit with the child and listen to them. And understand their world. And show them that you really understand them. And feel with them
It’s easier said than done. Especially when there are so many practical logistics to attend to
It’s also the only thing that will work
There is only a limited time that “tough love” will work and for those people saying that they would take away their child’s autonomy and they would force the child; It’s not so simple. And it’s definitely not sustainable
The child is going through an objectively real difficult emotional time. They need to know that their parents are totally there for them. To really listen, understand and be there for them. Sit with their pain and emotions, as unpleasant as they may be. And help the teen come to acceptance by themselves
It’s a difficult journey for all concerned. Wishing you strength and courage and patience. Refuah Sheleima for your teen
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amother
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Tue, Sep 17 2024, 5:35 pm
| amother Lightcoral wrote: | Unless you actually have experienced this scenario it’s very difficult to understand it
There’s a lot of emotions involved here. The parent is scared for child’s health (life) and the child is dealing with fear as well as unpleasant effects of the treatments
Another point is that teenagers by definition think that “it won’t happen to me” and the more the professionals and parents emphasize that the child’s life depends on it- the more scary and emotional it becomes and the child may try to do everything in their power to remove themselves from this scary situation (denial is a great coping mechanism- so ironically- sometimes the more you emphasize the scary parts- the more they want to deny it. The adults think “we have to explain it better” and it backfires because the kid understands too well)
This can cause a very intense emotional situation in which the intense emotions of both child and parents feed off each other
A therapist can be very helpful here, and possibly a psychiatrist can evaluate for anxiety and/or depression, sometimes medication is called for, sometimes not
Chai Lifeline, Tanzers and other volunteers can help the child as they are going through the actual procedures (which are by definition very unpleasant)
The most important thing I found as a parent is to really sit with the child and listen to them. And understand their world. And show them that you really understand them. And feel with them
It’s easier said than done. Especially when there are so many practical logistics to attend to
It’s also the only thing that will work
There is only a limited time that “tough love” will work and for those people saying that they would take away their child’s autonomy and they would force the child; It’s not so simple. And it’s definitely not sustainable
The child is going through an objectively real difficult emotional time. They need to know that their parents are totally there for them. To really listen, understand and be there for them. Sit with their pain and emotions, as unpleasant as they may be. And help the teen come to acceptance by themselves
It’s a difficult journey for all concerned. Wishing you strength and courage and patience. Refuah Sheleima for your teen |
100% this. Sometimes doing this with parent and child and a family therapist can be helpful. (Think couples counseling, where you practice listening to each other.)
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amother
Kiwi
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Tue, Sep 17 2024, 6:26 pm
| amother Lightcoral wrote: | Unless you actually have experienced this scenario it’s very difficult to understand it
There’s a lot of emotions involved here. The parent is scared for child’s health (life) and the child is dealing with fear as well as unpleasant effects of the treatments
Another point is that teenagers by definition think that “it won’t happen to me” and the more the professionals and parents emphasize that the child’s life depends on it- the more scary and emotional it becomes and the child may try to do everything in their power to remove themselves from this scary situation (denial is a great coping mechanism- so ironically- sometimes the more you emphasize the scary parts- the more they want to deny it. The adults think “we have to explain it better” and it backfires because the kid understands too well)
This can cause a very intense emotional situation in which the intense emotions of both child and parents feed off each other
A therapist can be very helpful here, and possibly a psychiatrist can evaluate for anxiety and/or depression, sometimes medication is called for, sometimes not
Chai Lifeline, Tanzers and other volunteers can help the child as they are going through the actual procedures (which are by definition very unpleasant)
The most important thing I found as a parent is to really sit with the child and listen to them. And understand their world. And show them that you really understand them. And feel with them
It’s easier said than done. Especially when there are so many practical logistics to attend to
It’s also the only thing that will work
There is only a limited time that “tough love” will work and for those people saying that they would take away their child’s autonomy and they would force the child; It’s not so simple. And it’s definitely not sustainable
The child is going through an objectively real difficult emotional time. They need to know that their parents are totally there for them. To really listen, understand and be there for them. Sit with their pain and emotions, as unpleasant as they may be. And help the teen come to acceptance by themselves
It’s a difficult journey for all concerned. Wishing you strength and courage and patience. Refuah Sheleima for your teen |
This is such an excellent post.
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amother
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Tue, Sep 17 2024, 11:10 pm
| amother Lightcoral wrote: | Unless you actually have experienced this scenario it’s very difficult to understand it
There’s a lot of emotions involved here. The parent is scared for child’s health (life) and the child is dealing with fear as well as unpleasant effects of the treatments
Another point is that teenagers by definition think that “it won’t happen to me” and the more the professionals and parents emphasize that the child’s life depends on it- the more scary and emotional it becomes and the child may try to do everything in their power to remove themselves from this scary situation (denial is a great coping mechanism- so ironically- sometimes the more you emphasize the scary parts- the more they want to deny it. The adults think “we have to explain it better” and it backfires because the kid understands too well)
This can cause a very intense emotional situation in which the intense emotions of both child and parents feed off each other
A therapist can be very helpful here, and possibly a psychiatrist can evaluate for anxiety and/or depression, sometimes medication is called for, sometimes not
Chai Lifeline, Tanzers and other volunteers can help the child as they are going through the actual procedures (which are by definition very unpleasant)
The most important thing I found as a parent is to really sit with the child and listen to them. And understand their world. And show them that you really understand them. And feel with them
It’s easier said than done. Especially when there are so many practical logistics to attend to
It’s also the only thing that will work
There is only a limited time that “tough love” will work and for those people saying that they would take away their child’s autonomy and they would force the child; It’s not so simple. And it’s definitely not sustainable
The child is going through an objectively real difficult emotional time. They need to know that their parents are totally there for them. To really listen, understand and be there for them. Sit with their pain and emotions, as unpleasant as they may be. And help the teen come to acceptance by themselves
It’s a difficult journey for all concerned. Wishing you strength and courage and patience. Refuah Sheleima for your teen |
Thank you for posting this. You sound like an incredible parent. Your kids are lucky to have you.
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