Kollel Wife being Supported in Israel AMA

amother

Feverfew

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 9:15 am

amother Nemesia wrote:

You mentioned that you're married 5 years and having your fourth kid!!!

I live in Jerusalem too and the baby culture here is overwhelming!

Some of my family and friends have babies every 1.5 years! And the minute they move back, they seem to space their kids more. I am overwhelmed for them when we sit in the park or by simchos etc.

Do you think there is pressure here to have many babies? I think Rabbonim here are much stricter about BC. What are your thoughts?

(I am married five years too and just had my second)

Not op but for many ppl the years In Yerushalaim are very relaxed in terms of schedule and other pressures- both husband and wife on an easy schedule etc so they are less stressed and can handle the babies. Once they move back, many, not all! Slow down because life gets more stressful- husband working etc.

amother

Dill

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 9:18 am

amother DarkRed wrote:

Would you advise someone to do what you’re doing if they don’t have support or very little support?

I don't want to derail OPs thread but I'm doing this. It's doable if you want it to be.
You just can't go visit your family as often and have to be extra careful where you live and on what you spend.

tryinghard

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 9:22 am

amother OP wrote:

He will likely stay in kollel in the US, I would love to move out of town, but we will probably end up near family (our parents live in the same city).
He has a specific way of learning that will likely not be possible in a small out-of-town kollel which also influences that decision

Can you imagine explain this? I’m so curious

amother

Sienna

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 9:28 am

amother Feverfew wrote:

So true!!!! I had 3 babies in my 4 years I lived in Israel and 2 more babies in my 9 years in America following israel. I worked such crazy hours and was the breadwinner , no family nearby but for some reason baby after baby was no big deal. I get to America , hubby goes to work, I'm a sahm and only manage to pump out 2 more... Go figure

amother

Tanzanite

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 9:40 am

amother Nemesia wrote:

I think it depends. Pretty much all the people I've met who have a lot of kids close together have been open about that that's what they wanted/chose or it was BC fails.

amother

Tanzanite

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 9:41 am

amother Feverfew wrote:

Maybe it's the more pressured lifestyle.

amother

Lawngreen

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 9:46 am

Can you give us your personal numbers.

How much you earn
How much support you get from each side

Do you have savings, debt?
Cost of childcare there?
Food?

How much money per month do you think do you think it’s realistic to live

amother

NeonBlue

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 9:51 am

amother OP wrote:

My parents give more than my in-laws, both are loving and so generous

I work 25 hours a week at a remote job for a US company, and have a 5-10 hr/week side hustle that is commission based.

How long do you think you will keep getting support?

amother

Sage

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 10:01 am

amother DarkRed wrote:

Would you advise someone to do what you’re doing if they don’t have support or very little support?

Not OP but we're doing this without support and love it! 13 years and going strong. Husband works a few hours here and there in the evenings, I work full time from home in hi tech. We live pretty minimalist but can still afford enough nice things not to feel too pressured. Like the occasional hotel stay, meals out, all new clothing, toys and books etc.

amother

Milk

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 10:10 am

amother Sienna wrote:

I would also think that by the time you get to America, you've had those first few kids who are now preteen-teenagers (no picinic) on top of having more kids....you are also getting a little older. So I'm not sure it would have been different had you stayed in Isreal - quite possibly it's just slowing down in your 30's vs. your 20's.....

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 10:45 am

amother Nemesia wrote:

TBH this pregnancy is my hardest (so so tired) and my thoughts are that there will be some time for the next...iyH
Right now, my life has lots of flexibility, so I worked from home the whole year with an infant- in the US, you dont have that option if your high-paid in an intense office, or doing other forms of work. I can make up lost workday hours at night.
I live in a small apartment and don't have exceptionally high expectations how things have to go, so adding a baby to the mix doesn't necessarily thow other factors off. If that makes sense.
I'll agree with other posters that when all the kids are young and life is very very toddler-baby focused, its easier to have another one, than when also balancing the schedules of older kids/teens (this is how I remember growing up, I'm at the top of a large family).

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 10:49 am

amother Feverfew wrote:

I responded on a different post about the flexibility I have now with WFH and making up hours at night, and in general I think having older kids makes smaller spacing between kids even harder, so I agree that things will likely change (going with the flow with what has been making sense till now and will continue to do so )
But happens to be my husband's schedule is far from easy- he's out at 7 in the morning and comes home for an hour for supper (7:45-8:45) and only comes home from night seder close to 12, so I am very much on my own with kids every day

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 11:06 am

amother Lawngreen wrote:

Can you give us your personal numbers.

How much you earn
How much support you get from each side

Do you have savings, debt?

Cost of childcare there?
Food?

How much money per month do you think do you think it’s realistic to live

I make about $1500/month in my regular job, my commission based job is usually another $500-1500/month

Cost of childcare: Child 1: in Irya (government nursery, so paid about 1800 nis for the whole year- this is around $400 for the year)
Child 2: pay 750 nis/month (a bit over $200)
Child 3: Gan in my house so I pay 150 nis ($44) (before I wasn't paying and keeping this child home)

My food bill is about $200/week.-it might have gone down since I last checked

Our rent is about $2000/month

I don't feel comfortable sharing how much support we receive, because our parents are very okay that the amount they give still allows us to save and the way its going we have been able to, but I don't want to share numbers. (when we were first married we were basically receiving the same much and it was harder to manage, but my job is a bit better and I've also learned how to budget better)

I am very curious what other people think- but I think it costs at least $3600 to live a month here

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 11:09 am

amother NeonBlue wrote:

How long do you think you will keep getting support?

Both my parents and in-laws are very proud of my husband, I can't be objective as his wife, but iyH he can become very great in learning and teaching Torah so as long as they can afford I know they want to help (and they can so far afford to comfortably)
Before I got married, I had some big career plans that will likely come to fruition once we are back in the US so I'll be able to contribute more meaningfully towards our finances as well.

amother

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 11:10 am

amother Sage wrote:

would you feel comforable sharing your nubmers?
I would love to hear what it would take to make things work more independently

amother

Sage

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 11:49 am

amother OP wrote:

would you feel comforable sharing your nubmers?
I would love to hear what it would take to make things work more independently

Don't want to go into too much detail, but we need an average of $5500 per month after taxes to cover our bills comfortably with some extras. Rent takes up $1200 of that. About $600 extra goes to savings straight from my work. Five children under 10. No car. Most medical expenses through the healthcare system, occasional private therapies etc.

Elfrida

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 11:52 am

amother OP wrote:

The career plans won't have suffered from five to ten years of bring disconnected from your field?