Who decides wedding date

amother

Birch

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 7:49 am

singleagain wrote:

What's wrong with that?

Start of zman, learning and sets the tone for the whole year. Also often if the chosson is staying in learning, they may be switching to somewhere else to learn post marriage and if they're starting somewhere new, it will be harder to find someone to learn with if they're not starting at the beginning of zman, plus sheva brochos and newlyweds may not be as reliable with sedarim.
It's a bit like starting school-would you ideally want to start school 2 or so weeks into term when everyone is already settled and you're just starting out? Also can you concentrate as well?
Obviously if there's no other option, but if it doesn't need to be then, why can't it be earlier?
The girls side does get priority, but I think most people would take into consideration the boys side and if they have a particular reason for not wanting it then. Usually it goes by the hall availability. You have 3 or 4 dates that the hall you want is available and you pick one of them.
I think the hall being available for shabbos sheva brochos is a fair point. We ended up really struggling to find somewhere when we needed a hall. Originally we were going to have it in my house but there ended up being too many people, and then there was almost nowhere we could find to do it. Also what field of work are the chosson's side in? I work in education and to have a wedding when we start the school year would be really challenging. I would be annoyed about not having it a week earlier when I wasn't working.

↑ singleagain

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 8:23 am

amother Birch wrote:

Ah. That of course makes a lot of sense... I just didn't realize what elul meant in terms of yeshiva since I've never been.

amother

Lily

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 9:26 am

DrMom wrote:

This is what we did when we got married.

I can't imagine insisting on a wedding date that is inconvenient for the other side is a healthy way to start a marriage.

Agree, but for general time-frame. Before YT, after YT, etc. For specific week and day within that time frame, it's the girls call. Simply because her nidda status is a critical factor.

It goes without saying that the girl shouldn't be choosing a day/time that doesn't work for the other side. But the chosson side cannot insist on specific days with a tight window.

Chayalle ↓

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 9:45 am

I think both sides carry weight and ideally you work it out together.
The day before my oldest DD got engaged, I called some halls to find out about available dates. Then I called the Shadchan and told her about the availability, she called my mechutaniste and got back to me about what works, and I went down to book.
With next DD, we actually met his parents about a week before they got engaged (I highly recommend this) and talked about dates. They had dates that didn't work for them so I wrote those down (for example, their DIL's brother is getting married the week before...so obviously we want her to be able to enjoy both Simchas...etc....)the next day I called halls, and then spoke to them directly about the available dates. I also mentioned dates that worked better for us and why. They cared about that too BH.

You are making a Simcha TOGETHER. Each side's needs get taken into account.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 9:48 am

amother Birch wrote:

I think the hall being available for shabbos sheva brochos is a fair point. We ended up really struggling to find somewhere when we needed a hall. Originally we were going to have it in my house but there ended up being too many people, and then there was almost nowhere we could find to do it.

Agree. I was naive last time and didn't check first, and had a hard time getting a hall for Shabbos Sheva Brachos. Ended up getting a shul further away, and it was pouring rain that Shabbos, everyone had to walk there, I was taking various items and walking back and forth in my raincoat.

This time I checked that our shul is available before booking the hall. BH! I'm thinking how happy I will be if the weather is hot and no one has to walk too far BH.

↑ B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 9:48 am

Chayalle wrote:

OPs situation is totally different. re read it. Whats good for one is bad for the other and vice versa.

↑ B'Syata D'Shmya

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 9:50 am

Chayalle wrote:

By the time you figure all the important stuff out, youve marriied off your last.
We should do a spin off of practical tips when marrying off a child.

amother

Butterscotch

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 9:55 am

imaima wrote:

Well that happens.
I had a very stressful preparations and still my cycle worked out.
When something happens, you just deal with it. But why would you a priori schedule at the inconvenient time?

We scheduled DD's wedding for a date that was the most ideal for her. The next week would've been better for her in-laws, but they graciously put her needs first.
And then her cycle totally went off. Had we taken their date, it probably would've worked. No choice now but to use BC...

↑ Chayalle

Fri, Jun 07 2024, 10:00 am

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

OPs situation is totally different. re read it. Whats good for one is bad for the other and vice versa.

So they need to work it out.
Is there another hall nearby available or any other possibilities? No? Then Chosson's side needs to give in here. Is there some extenuating circumstance that makes date Kallah wants unreasonable to the other side (for example, a conflicting Simcha)? If yes, Kallah gives in.
My point was, you have to communicate and work it out.

Even with my oldest - I'm not sorry we made the wedding when we did, even though Shabbos Sheva Brachos was harder. The alternative would have been adding an extra month to their engagement. That wouldn't have been good for them at all. Plus I'm so glad my SIL got to get married before his younger brother - another reason we took an earlier available date. It meant alot to them.

You have to look at the whole picture. And not everything has to be perfect. You give in where you can.