Sil didn't compliment even once!

amother

↑ Gladiolus ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 9:03 pm

amother Aqua wrote:

OP got acknowledgement. The SIL said thank you. The BIL gave compliments.

Sounded to me sil said a simple thank you only at the end of shabbos. Imho that is pretty rude not to say anything else a whole shabbos. I understand she’s shy etc but even nodding or agreeing with her husband when he complimented would be better.

zohar

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 9:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

I spoke about shy people in general. That perhaps knowing people may get insulted they should go a tiny bit out of their comfort zone to make people feel acknowledged and appreciated.
And not to use shyness as a cop out.
And it can come across as lack of middos.

Her coming for Shabbos and saying thank you was her going more than "a tiny bit" out of her comfort zone. That's what your not getting.

amother

Electricblue ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 9:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

It's also more of a question if I should invite them again. My bil was ultra complimentary. I told dh afterwards that we should really invite them more often. But his wife's behavior really turned me off.
Maybe I should be the better one. But I can't stand when people act like this.

Really???? Please tell me you're not that shallow.
She clearly is extremely shy.
Her husband was ultra complimentary on behalf of both of them.
She said thank you.
Really??????

amother

↑ Aqua ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 9:06 pm

amother Gladiolus wrote:

They came for a meal, not for shabbos.
SIL said thank you at the end of the meal, and that is perfectly fine.

amother

↑ Gladiolus ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 9:07 pm

amother Crocus wrote:

She was acknowledged, though, extensively by everyone else, and once by the sil. She's picking on the sil because she didn't provide a response OP feels is befitting her grand occasion.

Again, it’s very nice that everyone else complimented to me it’s off that sil didn’t compliment all shabbos or say thank you at the end of each meal. Maybe op is being very strong in her negativity but I get why she’s frustrated

amother

↑ Electricblue ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 9:08 pm

amother Gladiolus wrote:

After a shabbos MEAL, not a whole shabbos.

amother

↑ Gladiolus ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 9:08 pm

amother Aqua wrote:

They came for a meal, not for shabbos.
SIL said thank you at the end of the meal, and that is perfectly fine.

I misunderstood then. While I still think something more would be nice, and more appropriate, if it was just a meal and she said thank you at the end it’s ok.

amother

↑ Aqua ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 9:09 pm

amother Gladiolus wrote:

SIL DID NOT COME FOR THE WHOLE SHABBOS! SHE CAME FOR 1 MEAL AND SAID THANK YOU AT THE END OF THE MEAL.

amother

↑ Electricblue ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 9:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

Hosted my new sil and other guest for a Shabbos meal. Went all out with the decor and food. Everything was delicious and decor was stunning, if I may say so myself. Other guests were ultra complimentary. She didn't say a word. When she left she said a simple thank you.
I was so turned off. When I eat out I make sure to compliment every course.
She is ultra shy but I think besides for that she comes across as more of a cold person.
What's your take on this?

You yourself say the answer. You said she is ultra shy. That is the answer.

Yes, when you go out you make sure to compliment every course. That is you. You have your strengths and weaknesses, and she has hers.

Yes she is shy. Maybe with time she will warm up and be more effusive.

(Maybe she happens to be very accepting and non-judgemental of others.)

amother

Skyblue

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 9:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

OP, I'm going to post this and then not return to this thread, because if people respond negatively it's going to be really unhelpful to me. I hope that I can express my side accurately in this one post.

It's hard for me to thank people, especially in a situation like a Shabbos meal where there are already a number of expectations to adhere to. And when I say "hard", I mean that for me, saying "that fish was delicious" would trigger anxiety like someone trying to pet a tiger. I push myself (and it's a lot of effort) to say a general thank you at the end.
Yeah, it's trauma. Yeah, I'm working on it. But I'm working on the aspects like keeping myself safe and other similar priorities of functioning.
I'm definitely not your SIL. But I could totally imagine being described as ultra shy (I guess I am) and cold (I'm not) by people who don't know me well. To all potential hosts: It's totally your choice if you want to host me. I often turn down invitations because I don't want to offend people, but sometimes I "have" to accept them because I don't want to offend people....
My main point is, rude behavior is not necessarily an indication of a rude person
And, OP, it sounds like you put a lot of effort into that meal and hosting guests

amother

↑ Electricblue

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 9:25 pm

amother OP wrote:

Amazing how you all attack on her.
Maybe all of you should take this as a lesson to be a better guest.
There is something called middos.

No, this is a lesson for you to be less judgmental.

Many of us are outgoing and friendly and very complimentary. wonderful guests.

But we are not her and she is not us. She has her own set of strengths and weaknesses.

And so do you.

You need to work on letting go of your judgementalism.

amother

↑ Lightgray ↓

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 9:26 pm

amother Gladiolus wrote:

A. It was a meal, the sil thanked her at the end of the meal
B. Bil complimented and sil added her gratitude to that

amother

Hunter

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 9:41 pm

OP, you seem to have difficulty relating to people who view the world differently from you. As someone who's had social anxiety, for me, it would be difficult to compliment excessively because at a certain point it feels fake and patronising, and I have difficulty being fake. The idea that you wouldn't invite someone back because they didn't compliment you and only said thank you is unrelatable to many of us.

If you wanted to be noticed for your efforts, you simply could have asked her: how do you like the meat? Mil is a hostess personality, and works very hard to do so. She often asks people what they think of one dish or another and people give their (always) positive feedback. You expect sil to compliment at every course because that's what you do. But maybe that's not what she or her family ever did. So politely ask for it. No use in sitting silently and stewing about it. And who knows? After prompting her for feedback for a while, she might one day give it spontaneously.

Also, just mho but when OPs compliment certain responses by negatively comparing them to other (more critical) responses, it comes across to me as manipulative.

amother

Mauve

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 9:46 pm

I keep seeing this thread pop up and read partially through it. Is it really such a big deal that a new, shy SIL didn’t go overboard on the compliments and said a simple polite thank you? Do we only host guests on shabbos so others can praise us? Is there no such thing as dan l’kaf zchus anymore?

I’m not trying to be rude OP but this seems really off to be so concerned about.

amother

Green

Sun, Dec 29 2024, 9:59 pm

OP, the harder a mitzvah is , the more Hashem repays. You did the hachnosos orchim beyond the norm and Hashem will repay accordingly regardless if anyone acknowledged it. If one of your guests doesn't thank you which means you had less pleasure from this mitzvah then Hashem will repay even more.