My unpopular opinion

amother

↑ Skyblue

Fri, Dec 20 2024, 12:48 am

amother Babypink wrote:

This a million times!!!

Other kids have electric bikes and scooters. But they're dangerous (and silly--taking away the few forms of exercise they happily do on their own!). So I don't get them for my kids. I'll happily get them regular bikes and scooters.

Other kids get to go to Florida on vacation. We have better ways to use our money. We don't. I don't apologize. We are living according to our values. We might take them camping, make a bonfire, eat smores, have a great time, and spend a tiny fraction of what their friends' parents are. They are not losing out, but they are also not getting the same as their friends. That's okay.

When we go to a kiddush or a party or are eating dessert at Bubby's house or whatever, I remind them to take "like a mensch." That means making sure there's enough to go around. It also means not taking more than you can eat, or more than you SHOULD eat. I don't have to remind my teens anymore, and generally not my tweens either. They know, and take accordingly.

My kids are not deprived. They also may not have the brand-name item that their friends have. But they have plenty of clothing. They may not have the packaging their friends have on their snacks. But they have plenty of food. And you know what? I tell them to let me know if there's something they really want that I don't normally buy, and I'll wait until it goes on sale or splurge on it for a special treat every once in a while. They understand why. And honestly, they appreciate that I make it a priority to get it for them. If I bought it all the time, I don't think it would even be seen as something to be grateful for.

I also am not deprived. If I need clothes, I buy them, but I price compare and don't buy overpriced clothing unless I have no choice (I.e., can't find the item at a lower price). I say no to myself all the time. Sure, I'd love to have full-time cleaning help, but NOT having it does not mean I'm deprived. I'd love to buy take-out every day I'm not feeling well, but I don't. I do buy it on a very rare occasion, and it feels like a special treat. The same way I do for my kids and their own treats.

It seems like this mindset has gone out of fashion. I set material boundaries on myself, for financial reasons but also because I think it has value to do so. I set boundaries on my kids as well.

Why is everyone so afraid to set boundaries for their kids? I don't get it.

Can't like this enough!!!

amother

↑ Babypink

Fri, Dec 20 2024, 8:32 am

Just to add one thing -- To people who feel like they're saving 15 bucks at the end of the day...Do the calculations.

Let's say it's 15 dollars each week. 15X50 (52 weeks in a year, but let's make it easier) is 750 dollars. Not a fortune, but not pennies either. And over the course of five years, that's almost 4000 dollars.

It's the same thing as saying no to buying a 3 dollar daily coffee. Each coffee is only 3 bucks, which seems like nothing. Over the years, though, you are down thousands of dollars that you would have had if you made yourself a cup of instant.

That's the way people used to live. I'm not saying to never buy yourself a specialty cup of coffee, or to never buy your kids a snack bag. I'm saying that being careful with pennies does lead to saving dollars, to the tune of thousands.

Don't think you can live like that? Think that you'd feel deprived? I actually think it's a great feeling to know that you are keeping your material needs satisfied while only indulging in your material wants occasionally. Think about it: If you buy yourself that special cup of coffee once a month as a special treat, you'd probably enjoy it much more than if you had it every day. That's the opposite of deprivation.

This is the mindset I'm giving my kids. And one that I think is becoming extinct in our communities, to some extent. I know I'm fighting against the tide, but honestly, I'm fighting against the tide by not giving my kids regular screen time. I'm fighting against the tide by not having a smart phone or whatsapp. I'm fighting against the tide by teaching them nuance, that while some things in life are black and white, we need to recognize the grey. I'm fighting against the tide by teaching them that people who hold differently than we do are often following their own valid mehalech, and that it's not our place to judge.

As a parent, I feel like my job is to teach them to feel comfortable going WITH the tide when it's harmless or beneficial, but against it when there's a valid reason for doing so. And yes, I have several teens, as well as younger kids, so I'm speaking from experience.

I'm sorry that others don't feel that way...

amother

↑ NeonGreen

Fri, Dec 20 2024, 8:56 am

Thinking about the opinion that allowing kids unlimited [nosh] will lead to them not "needing" it so much...

There are balanced approaches even within this mindset. My (little) kids aren't allowed to take whatever they want in our house.
But
At a party, Purim, etc. they get to choose what to eat. I'll remind them things like, look at all the options first so that you can pick what you like best. if you eat just candy, you'll have a lot of energy right away and then you might feel icky and tired.
Sometimes my 5yo will say, "I think I ate too much candy today at the birthday party and now my tummy hurts. Can you not give me any more nosh for a few days?" LOL

I don't serve a dessert at every meal, but there's never a rule that they need to finish their rice or chicken before they can have cake. There's X amount of chicken available, Y amount of rice, and Z amount of cake. (Obviously the amount that I anticipate being enough for the family.) Each person can have their portion of each food. One kid can't have the whole cake just like he can't have the whole chicken or the pan of rice.
Some (all?) of my kids prefer squash soup or chicken thighs over cookies or cake. But they all love candy

↑ pause

Fri, Dec 20 2024, 9:49 am

amother Babypink wrote:

It's people like you whom I need as friends Smile

and mechutanim
and neighbors

Yes! to all of your examples.
It's not easy going against the tide when your common sense tells you otherwise. When "everyone" is "letting their kids be kids" and "that's what you get when you invite kids to a simcha" while I remind my kids to choose one or two things from the sweet table because it's meant for adults.

I don't have time now to type up all the rest, but I strongly believe if parents would realize the disservice they're doing to their kids and teens by allowing them to become sheeple, many many more would try to withstand the pressures and give their kids TOOLS to deal.