DD has friend that I don't like

blondie ↓

Mon, Feb 23 2009, 3:07 pm

My DD age 8 has a friend in her class who lives nearby.... I just can't stand this kid. I know it sounds harsh being that she's only 9 (she is supposed to be in the grade above but was held back), but she is at our house constantly. She's basically sweet, but I think she's slightly too "old" for my DD. She has a nebach family situation- her mother has some health issues, her family has parnassa issues, and older teen brother at risk etc etc. The mother doesn't really keep track of where her kid is. This kid has knocked on my door at 7:15 in the morning (their bus comes at eight). I have let her sleep over 2x when her mother had to be in the hospital, but the parents barely communicated with me at all, in fact they wanted her to sleep over a second night in a row and I said no (I had just had a new baby a few mths before and felt this was way too much to ask of me- my DH also felt this way).
I told DD to tell her friend she must call the house to ask if she can come over and not come uninvited. I also told the kid directly not to come over before the schoolbus comes, for goodness sake!
I realize we're in a more fortunate situation than her, she really enjoys our apartment and our family. I'm lucky to be the "cool" place that DD's friends want to come to, but this kid seems to be unable to recognize social cues and boundaries. I believe a playdate should be a sometimes thing, not an always thing. My DD, by the way, is kind and sweet and I've told her I am proud of how she helps this girl, but she is not particularly attached either and I feel she is being forced into this friendship.
Am I wrong to feel this way?
Perhaps I am resenting her b/c I resent her mother's attitude.... kind of like I am a free babysitter. The little sister (age 6) will very often tag along, and she definitely needs supervision while she's here. On the other hand I just feel bad that the mother is unhealthy. What would you do in this situation?
Confront the mom? (yikes) confront the kid? Rolling Eyes

ShakleeMom

Mon, Feb 23 2009, 3:29 pm

Personally, if I would know that there are issues, my nature is to bend over backwards risking my family… I get too carried away emotionally. I always have to be smacked over the head by dh to realize what I’m doing. In your case though if you feel you cannot, don’t. tell your dd that you no longer want her to be so close to this girl for reasons you do not have to share with her. However as a chessed, she should be friendly with her in school. Explain to her the difference between friendly and friends. Then, keep saying, I’m sorry, not today when they call and eventually they will stop.

Mrs Bissli

Mon, Feb 23 2009, 3:40 pm

Hmmm. it sounds like you have an issue with not with the friend, but her parents? Why should the kids that young be blamed for inadequate parenting skills of their parents? Maybe you just have to communicate the house rules both to the girl and her parents, esp if she comes to your house all the time and not the other way around?

I also don't think there's nothing wrong with the kids hanging out with someone slightly older/younger.

smilingmom

Mon, Feb 23 2009, 5:10 pm

Sorry Blondie, I can't sympathize with you.
You have to set boundries if you want, especially if you cannot do a chesed, but to ask your DD to tell her friend to call before she comes is wrong. You should be telling her.
One should never do chesed at their families expense but it seems to me, that you don't want your DD to be so friendly with a nebech case. I suspect that you fear that it may ruin your DD's popularity. There is nothing from what you wrote, that is wrong with the girl or her 6 year old sister, just her brother and parents. Since all the socialization is going on in your house, (not at that friends negative enviorment) by trying to put a stop to it, you appear to seem to think that your daughter is better, than the other girl.

When I was sick, I did not let people know the details of my illness. My daughter often hung out at other people's houses longer than I would normally allow, and I was too tired to call and tell her to come home. I often had very early doctors appointment and my DD would go to other peoples house to wait for the bus, I often did not give an explanation. I relied on my neighbors kindness and respect for my privacy to rule.

chocolate moose

Mon, Feb 23 2009, 5:12 pm

blondie wrote:

You only dislike one? Be happy it's not more !

↑ blondie ↓

Tue, Feb 24 2009, 1:33 am

Smilingmom, I'm not asking for sympathy nor venting, just asking for advice. This isn't about popularity or nerdiness (which is completely different here than in America at least in 2nd grade) It's fine with me if she comes and the kids play outside together rather than inside....
What's irking me most is the lack of family time and privacy- we're in a small apartment. I think my own problem is lack of assertiveness and being taken advantage of, and then I come to resent her and her parents.
Her mother has chronic back issues. However, the father is home often, the older brothers are home, she isn't being sent out to me as a chessed (besides from the sleepovers) necessarily- I mean the mother doesn't know whose house she's at anyway. Besides that, apparently she's allowed to be home alone anyway during the day. I don't let DD go over there much besides shabbos b/c I wonder who's supervising. As I'm reading your responses and self-analyzing I'm realizing I have to say no more often if it's getting out of control and as someone said, not leave it in the hands of DD to have to say no. Well, thanks everyone.

AMMom

Tue, Feb 24 2009, 1:53 am

ShakleeMom wrote:

tell your dd that you no longer want her to be so close to this girl for reasons you do not have to share with her.

Unless the girl did something so wrong that would be inappropriate to share with a child, a parent should not just say "You can't be friends with this person" with no explanation. She says the girl is nice. It sounds like Blondie just has to set some boundaries that make her comfortable. You never know someone's situation and what kind of chesed you might be doing for the family... if you can do it, for sure try to stretch yourself I say.

Ima'la ↓

Tue, Feb 24 2009, 3:04 am

It sounds like this girl does not have the healthiest family situation, so unfortunately is not learning social-correctness at home. For your own sake, it might be best to simply teach her.
"Hi, Shprintzy! It's always nice to see you, but we don't have playdates before school."
"Hi, Shprintzy! We love when you come, but we like to know in advance. DD can only have friends over if they call first."
"If you want to bring you little sister along, then when you call to see if you can come, please ask if it's ok if your sister comes, too."

chavs

Tue, Feb 24 2009, 10:29 am

Personally I would be happy that they play in your house and I wouldnt encourage them to play outside if you are not comfortable with this girl. In your home you have a lot more insight as to what the talk about or play then if they are outside.
I wouldnt talk with the kid, speak with her parents if you have an issue. Would you appreciate someone telling your dd of? This kid sounds like she doesnt have much and that your family is good for her. By continuing having her over you are teaching your dd hachnasos orchim and being kind to others. If she is not a bad influence I am not sure what the problem is.
I remember I had a friend when I was around your dd's age and she didnt come from a good background. My mother didnt let me play at her house but our doors were open to her and my mother treated her with love and cooked for her and I was always in awe of how kind my mom was to her and I knew that my mom made her feel good and like she wasnt alone. MY friend began confiding in my mother and my mother was there for her and because my mother was close with her she knew whether she was a good influence to me or not. My mother is not a push over but she really helped this girl and I learnt a lot from her.