Who is right? me or DH? (giving a gift)

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 22 2008, 1:22 pm

I cannot stand the pay for meal concept.
I am one out of several married cousins, who are close to each other. Our incomes and lifestyles vary considerably.
My kids did not have Upsherin, and very simple Bar & Bat mitzvahs, while others had black tie, mini weddings. I was upset that while other grankids got expensive kids, while my kids got little or nothing.
Of course I did not mention to my kids or my Mom.
My Mom asked me to help her pick out jewelery for other girls Bat Mitzvahs, while my DDs got nothing, (the only had a party for their friends in our house).
That being said, though I disagree vehemently with my mothers stance. It is her money and she can choose to dole out gifts whichever way she chooses.

anon

Mon, Dec 22 2008, 2:57 pm

I don't know what your relationship is like with your mother, but I think that you should definitely say something if you have a decently close relationship with her. You're not telling her how to spend her money. You're explaining that you feel bad for your children that they don't get gifts simply because their parents can't afford to make them expensive parties. Your children shouldn't be overlooked by their grandmother just because they don't come from a wealthy family.

The issue of "not telling parents how to spend their money" comes into play when adult children want their parents to help them out more, whether it's to buy a house, support them while the husband is learning, buying baby clothes and furniture, etc. I don't think it applies when a child thinks they're being treated different than the other children.

The again, having a conversation like this only works if you have a stable, functional relationship.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Dec 22 2008, 3:41 pm

anon wrote:

I have a close relationship with my mother and I'm sure, if I told her she would definitly buy them gifts, but I feel kind of strange, it's like asking for gifts on my children's behalf.
My Mom is the type who would give the shirt of her back for any of her kids or grankids, so perhaps if they ever need money in the future for school or a trip, we could approach her. BTW my children don't seem to mind that they don't get gifts.
My Mom always felt that the gift should be of equal value of the dinner, even if the Bar- Bat Mitzvah kid keeps the gift & the parents pay for the affair.

DovDov

Thu, Feb 05 2009, 5:27 pm

Raizle wrote:

Are you going to the wedding? yes. Are you planning on eating? probably yes?

Rule of thumb is you spend on a gift approx. the amount that the baalei simcha would be spending on your meal.

Of course if you can't afford it then you do what you can afford but I don't think it's nice to not spend anything at all.
They are just starting off their life and the gifts you give them are meant to help them get started.
I think it's strange going to a wedding and not giving a gift

The amount you spend should be calculated based on your relationship and what you can afford.
If it's someone close and if you had the money then it should be more. If you don't have the money then you do what you can afford and hopefully a good friend will understand

A bunch of people expressed these same two points that I see as conflicting, so I'm not picking on Raizle - you're just the one I happened to click on.

1. The point is to help a couple starting out.
2. Gift should approximate seat costs at the wedding.

No one else thinks those conflict? Just because my wealthy friend can afford a $200/person wedding means I should give her a gift in that range? If I had that kind of money to spend, I'd think it much more appropriate to give to my other friend who had to have essentially a chesed wedding because she just can't afford to waste that kind of money on one night of her life.

I believe in giving a thoughtful gift that will be appreciated. I don't give my wealthy friends money at all -- I try to give them something that costs next to nothing but has meaning, because the fact is my funds are limited and I'd far rather spend them on people who need it.

devorahrivka

Thu, Feb 05 2009, 7:55 pm

In Peggy Post's book of Etiquette she says:
"its the thought that counts" and "choosing a gift is a matter of deciding what you belive will give pleasure."

Also: The idea of buying a gift that costs as much as your seat is what she calls a "modern myth"

I remember when I got married, I was just so happy to have people to share the day with. I really didn't care what I got. On the other hand, I did get a few gifts that I thought were nice but useless...what do I need with a museum quality vase...so I should worry about it??? Have something else to dust??? I would have rather the cost of the vase go to a nice set of towels...no one ever thinks to buy the towels, they always want to do better...I could still use some good towels years later...

Look at the registry, when I registered I made sure to include lots of small things for people who couldn't afford the big stuff...

Crayon210

Thu, Feb 05 2009, 8:31 pm

1. I don't get the whole "pay for your meal". Why? Why don't we all just keep our money and forget it? It sounds silly. "I'll pay for you to eat chicken and soup and salad, and you'll give my daughter the amount that I spent for you to eat that." Why not just give your daughter the money and don't invite me?

2. I agree with your husband about the principle. I think that it would be wonderful if everyone would decide not to go overboard with gifts and everything else that is more "optional", and then we could watch the tuition crisis and the poverty in our community disappear. The pressure is a terrible thing for everyone all around, and I think that there's nothing to be ashamed of at being one of those people who gives a modest gift.

3. A practical piece of advice for this situation: Bed Bath and Beyond (where a lot of people register these days) have 20% off coupons all the time that never expire. So you could spend $40 on a gift that sells for $50, or $20 on a gift that sells for $25, etc.

↑ amother

Thu, Feb 05 2009, 8:43 pm

OP here:

I agree that the "pay for your meal" mentality is, well, almost offensive. I don't care about paying for my meal, I'd much prefer to go out to dinner alone with my dh and order from an entire menu, thank you very much.

I also agree with my dh on principle. The financial obligations and expectations these days can be crushing, and if I had to give $100 + to every simcha that I went to, well, I'd prefer not to be invited.

We both agree that we'll give modest gifts, but the question was, "how modest?".

We ended up using the 20% discount coupons at Bed Bath and Beyond, and spent an amount that was a compromise between the amounts that we each originally wanted to spend.