Who is right? me or DH? (giving a gift)

amother ↓

Tue, Dec 09 2008, 10:53 pm

DH and I recently attended his good friend's wedding. We disagree on how much to spend on a gift.

DH is still stuck in his yeshiva mindset. I doubt he would have thought to give a gift on his own, but I explained that the fact that he's married and working puts him in a social status that requires giving gifts. DH wants to spend $25-$35 on a gift. He feels that it's the thought that counts, as we are also coming as very excited and enthusiastic guests who have welcomed the new kallah in our lives. He thinks that there is less of a need to spend a lot on a close friend, especially since his friend knows that we don't have much money (and he is more comfortable). Additionally, he feels that it is doubtful that anyone else who attended the wedding that is from the same yeshiva (even those who are now working) gave anything. This is based on the fact that we did not get anything from his yeshiva (but working at the time) friends when we got married.

As well, DH is of the opinion that people feel too much social pressure to give gifts. He says that ppl probably dread getting invitations because it means they have to expose themselves. So for him, it's not all about the amount of money, but also about the principle.

I think that it's poor social etiquette, and it's not the thought that counts when it comes to gifts for starting a new life together....ppl want gifts to help them with the loads of new purchases they have to make. And $25-$35 for a couple to attend a wedding is a bit too cheap. I think that even just $50 would be more appropriate.

What do you think?

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Dec 09 2008, 11:03 pm

dH wants me to add that he doesn't think this friend gave a gift when we got married. however, this friend was single at the time (though working).

I don't think this is all about his friend. I think that the wife comes into the picture as well. Women tend to be more cognizant of social expectations like these.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Dec 09 2008, 11:08 pm

su7kids wrote:

Can you afford $50? Because if you're just starting yourself, you can't be expected to spend TONS of money.

But, you could find out if they're registered and get something off their registry.

OP here: How does a registry solve the issue? the question is how much to spend. That would apply to spending money on a gift from the registry.

↑ su7kids

Tue, Dec 09 2008, 11:33 pm

amother wrote:

su7kids wrote:

Can you afford $50? Because if you're just starting yourself, you can't be expected to spend TONS of money.

But, you could find out if they're registered and get something off their registry.

OP here: How does a registry solve the issue? the question is how much to spend. That would apply to spending money on a gift from the registry.

If you buy them something they really want, it doesn't MATTER what you spend on it.

The other question is, can you afford it? Can you afford to make this a "standard" for all future weddings you go to?

lubaussie

Tue, Dec 09 2008, 11:38 pm

I thought the etiquette was that you 'pay for your seat', so to speak. For instance if you know they payed around $50 + per head, then give them a gift worth $50. Can you gauge approx how much they spent on you to attend the wedding? How fancy was it? Perhaps use that as your yardstick. If it was a typical fancy wedding, I would say $50 is good unless you really can't afford it. However, at the end of the day depends on the gift, because you can get something worth $50 that looks like it's worth $10 and vice versa. Maybe spend the time searching for something that LOOKS expensive but really isn't? Maybe look for a store that has a huge sale and buy a sale item that usually costs $50 but is now cheaper?

chanagital

Tue, Dec 09 2008, 11:45 pm

I am siding with your hubby... I don't know anyone who gave such extravagance gifts ever... maybe I should have another wedding and invite you if you think that it is appropriate. Ya it is nice to give gifts and get them but I was just happy to get pple to share in my simcha without the pressure of a gift. Gift giving shouldn't be a keeping up with the swartzes activity. It isn't who gives the best gifts it is who is there for the couple once they are married.

ny_ima

Tue, Dec 09 2008, 11:46 pm

The proper ettiquette is to give the amount of what the dinner portion costs at the wedding. (Fancier weddings will cost u more) Not everyone can afford it so ppl give 36 (double chai) and upwards
However, as it is not common practice with ur dh's crowd to gift, and with all the economic hardships, you might want to side with your dh and use the 30 bucks wisely to find a gift on sale, wrap it up pretty and attach a beautiful note. If u feel close to the new couple, u can send them a breakfast basket, that should fit the budget and is thoughtful. Oiff simchas!

Raizle

Wed, Dec 10 2008, 2:24 am

Are you going to the wedding? yes. Are you planning on eating? probably yes?

Rule of thumb is you spend on a gift approx. the amount that the baalei simcha would be spending on your meal.

Of course if you can't afford it then you do what you can afford but I don't think it's nice to not spend anything at all.
They are just starting off their life and the gifts you give them are meant to help them get started.
I think it's strange going to a wedding and not giving a gift

The amount you spend should be calculated based on your relationship and what you can afford.
If it's someone close and if you had the money then it should be more. If you don't have the money then you do what you can afford and hopefully a good friend will understand

ss321

Wed, Dec 10 2008, 7:07 am

I think this might depend on where you live, but in NY giving 36 is pretty much unheard of. We did get some checks for $36 from older friends of our grandprents (some of whom werent even invited to the wedding!) which were very much appreciated, but for someone attending a wedding, the general rule of thumb is you should give at least the amount equal to what your meal is costing the hosts. So 50 or more, at least. I hear what your DH is saying about this guy didnt even give you a gift- differenec was he was single. Does that make it right? still, probably not, alot of my single friends got me shower or wedding gifts, and also, even if that guy was wrong by not giving a gift, that doesnt mean you should "wrong" him back.

tovarena

Wed, Dec 10 2008, 7:48 am

Yes, there is a standard out there that says you should approximate what you're costing the baal hasimcha. But I think it's as much, if not more dictated by the social norms of your circle.

So if most of the married, working couples from DH's crowd give less, then I certainly would feel no pressure to go above and beyond. Get something small but thoughtful.

avigailmiriam

Wed, Dec 10 2008, 8:44 am

I was taught that it is the height of bad manners for a host to expect that a person "pay for themselves" so to speak, by giving a gift equal to the cost of the meal. The host, theoretically at least, invites you because he/she wants to celebrate with you. That is all.

I'm siding with your DH.

sv9506 ↓

Wed, Dec 10 2008, 10:07 am

I am against the whole "giving a gift according to how much the people making the simcha spent on your plate", since it is usually the people who spend less that need the money more (in my experience, more often parents that spend large sums of money are also helping their children with other financial needs - ex: down payment for a house, and the parents who cannot afford to pay a lot for the wedding also cannot afford to give the couple a substantial amount of money to start off with.

That being said, in my circle (I am in NY btw) there is a set amount that is generally given. $75 for a single, $150 for a couple. So I usually give that - if DH doesn't go to the wedding then maybe $100. We did give more to a couple who had a small wedding but needed the money (maybe around $250, but can't remember). There are circumstances where we give less, like if someone didn't give by our wedding then we might give only give $100 as a couple but it depends. Oh, and also a different amount for close friends.

willow

Wed, Dec 10 2008, 11:54 am

avigailmiriam wrote:

Another vote siding with dh. Yes

↑ amother ↓

Wed, Dec 10 2008, 2:37 pm

OP here:

I like the idea of getting something more expensive on sale, especially because there are crazy sales going on right now.

For those of you saying $50, are you talking about $50 per person, or for us as a couple? I'm not planning on giving a check, it's the question of how much to spend on an actual gift.

sv9506, I completely agree with you about not spending how much the meal costs. I think it's disgusting to give a larger gift to richer ppl, simply because they spent more money to make their extravagent wedding. It's the ppl who are lesser off who need it more, especially (as you pointed out) because they will probably be getting less support from their parents. I totally don't go for the paying for your plate logic, it's terrible.

Fox

Wed, Dec 10 2008, 3:05 pm

Yeah, the "paying for your meal" concept is giving me a serious case of the icks! If that's the case, maybe I should contact the hosts of the next simcha to which I'm invited and tell them that I'd really rather have the money they planned to spend to go out alone with DH.

I don't what concept of etiquette would link attending the simcha to the amount spent on the gift, but . . . yuck!

su7kids wrote:

If you buy them something they really want, it doesn't MATTER what you spend on it.

I completely agree with this! One of the best gifts I received was a nice straw laundry basket filled with inexpensive kitchen gadgets and samples of various products. The woman who gave it to me was on a fixed income and had very little to spend. But it was obvious she knew what a new homemaker would need -- and what a new homemaker wouldn't realize she needed until too late. I can't tell you how many times my day was saved by one of those gadgets or a sample box of laundry detergent or whatever!

Since your DH is close to the chosson, have him find out if there's something special the kallah would enjoy. A gift from the dollar store that demonstrates that you know the recipient's needs and desires is worth far more than a lavish gift requiring no thought, effort, or care.