Chumash play or funeral?

amother

↑ Clover ↓

Sun, Jan 12 2025, 9:01 am

amother Topaz wrote:

Why are they waiting two days for the funeral? That is very unusual. The niftar should be buried ASAP so that the neshama doesn't have any tzar.

Do you think OP has any decision making over when her husband grandmother is buried?

amother

Aquamarine

Sun, Jan 12 2025, 9:01 am

I would ask my child.
Not to make final decision but to know how much he understands if you decide to go to funeral and how disappointed he'll be if you didn't attend Chumash play.

amother

↑ Topaz

Sun, Jan 12 2025, 9:03 am

amother Clover wrote:

Do you think OP has any decision making over when her husband grandmother is buried?

tear.

I don't know the family dynamics but very possible that yes.

amother

↑ Vermilion ↓

Sun, Jan 12 2025, 9:03 am

giftedmom wrote:

I would choose Chumash play. Live child over dead grandmother sorry.

It’s not that simple. The chessed of attending a funeral is a big mitzvah for precisely that reason, because you’re doing a chessed for a person who isn’t able to return the favor.
There will be many other opportunities to be there for the child.
I still think one parent goes to one, one to the other is the best solution.
I never had this exact thing but that’s how dh and I handled conflicts with attending important things that ended up happening at the same time.

amother

↑ Vermilion

Sun, Jan 12 2025, 9:06 am

amother Clover wrote:

Do you think OP has any decision making over when her husband grandmother is buried?

Her husband might have a say. It’s his grandmother. If he’s religious and other relatives aren’t maybe he can explain what a terrible thing it is to postpone a funeral. It’s not like trying to explain dietary restrictions to people who have no interest. Kavod hameis is a concept many people are open to if it’s explained the right way.

amother

Hotpink

Sun, Jan 12 2025, 9:15 am

amother Aquamarine wrote:

I would ask my child.
Not to make final decision but to know how much he understands if you decide to go to funeral and how disappointed he'll be if you didn't attend Chumash play.

A child that age is way too young too understand how he'll feel when he sees all the other parents there.

amother

↑ Clover

Sun, Jan 12 2025, 9:42 am

amother Topaz wrote:

tear.

I don't know the family dynamics but very possible that yes.

Please. On what planet does an grandchild in law determine when a burial takes place?

Brit in Israel

Sun, Jan 12 2025, 9:42 am

Definitely you go to the Chumash party. Your child will forever remember that you weren't there. He won't remember all the times that you did attend his milestones only the ones you didn't.

My friend 40 yrs still remembers her mother didn't come to her show when she was 5, she can't remember why or how important the other things are but she still holds the pain she felt then when all her friends had their mother and she didn't.

If your husband can go to the funeral he should or even better if you can fit them both in by flying.

Right now, the biggest milestone your child has ever had is getting his Chumash and he wants you to see him successful and recieving it.
For us it's just another show another milestone of kids but for him it's his biggest and all.

amother

Magenta

Sun, Jan 12 2025, 9:43 am

familyfirst wrote:

Go to the funeral

Best, ask the school to push off

Do not miss the funeral. Your child will have other milestones. This is a teachable moment for him.

I would definitely give opposite advice!

Yes if school willing push off excellent

Do not miss childs event.
Your child will forever remember

You can miss the funeral the family with understand you had childs event to attend

Hashem_Yaazor

Sun, Jan 12 2025, 9:44 am

I feel the dilemma. No way can the school postpone the Chumash play this late in the game. With zoom options for funerals, that's probably your best bet to be part of both.
I personally missed my grandfather's funeral (I was in Israel), my grandmother's (I was 2 weeks postpartum), my father in law's (I was home with all my kids while my husband was there, an 8 hour drive away, and the funeral was a few hours after the petira). It's hard, but when you can still feel like you're a part of it, it does help.

Hatzlacha on gaining clarity and I'm sorry for your loss!

amother

Ivory

Sun, Jan 12 2025, 3:54 pm

Chumash play.
The child just lost a great grandparent and might be grieving too. I wouldn’t leave them at such a time.
I flew for a levaya myself we were told not to leave the kids it’s not fair to them they are hurting too. It was either all or one of us to go.
So being it’s your husband’s relative he goes you go to the chumash play.

amother

Nasturtium

Sun, Jan 12 2025, 4:04 pm

A woman in my community lost her husband the week of an event in school for her preschool son. The Menahel told her to go to the event during shiva. Little children don't understand levayas. They do understand no parents at a major event. At least one parent needs to be there. Chumash is 6 years old. He is little. It is hard for us but all he will remember is you not being there.

amother

Sienna

Sun, Jan 12 2025, 4:08 pm

DD still talks about the time I missed a 5th grade fair and all The other mothers came. I would pick a child Over the funeral. You can go to a shiva - zoom in etc. but your child will ALWAYS remember you not being there when all the other parents were

amother

Melon

Mon, Jan 13 2025, 6:46 am

My mother missed my play for similar reason. I understand completely and don't think she did the wrong thing but it was hard and I do still remember it. Id say to ask a rav and also to discuss with your child.