Say something nice

↑ Cheiny ↓

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 12:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

I hear that
But you might hate bc it’s old or wtvr
But another woman might love the way it looks on you or she might like the colors /design /style .
I think a compliment might make u less hard on yourself , unless there’s a specific reason u absolutely don’t like the dress .

When People rely on others’ compliments and validation to make them feel good about themselves it’s an indication of low self esteem and lack of self confidence. That’s something that can never be filled by others… no matter how many nice things they say about you, it will never be enough.

↑ Cheiny ↓

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 12:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is sad.
We don’t Compliment , just stare and sometimes that makes a woman feel insecure (she’s looking at me - is my makeup on wrong ? Do I look bad in this ? Etc )
I wish you would say something nice to me - it would reall make me feel better and get through my day .
You never know what your good word can do to someone - it might change their idea of a suicide .
Chas vashalom- not thinking that but u never know what ppl are going through and u might just change that for the better .

I think you’re conflating 2 different things. Yes, being nice to someone who’s depressed and worse, contemplating suicide c”v, can definitely help them.

Giving a compliment about a dress is not the same thing… that’s looking for outsiders to boost your self esteem which only you can give yourself…

↑ Cheiny ↓

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 12:54 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

If I saw you I would compliment you! Definitely. I try to compliment everyone I see (without it being too often and feeling rote) . But as I said, I don’t live in Brooklyn, Monsey, or Lakewood.

What on earth does the city you live in have to do with anything? Are you saying giving compliments is limited to certain areas????

↑ Cheiny ↓

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 12:56 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

What can I tell you, I only know what I read here, and that is what I have learned on this site. I wouldn’t have thought it, but have read it here, time and time again.

You might want to consider instead that your interpretation of what’s said and your conclusions are what’s faulty, not people from certain areas…

↑ Cheiny ↓

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 12:58 pm

amother NeonPurple wrote:

Im a bit nutty about this
I love to compliment people
Its a game I play with myself
Standing on line checking out. Find something to compliment random stranger for and their whole posture changes.

That’s true, and I find that even saying “Good morning” to a stranger always puts a smile on their face. Such a small act, with a big impact.

amother

Wandflower

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 1:03 pm

I have a bad habit of discounting compliments.

Like:
Your earrings are beautiful! Oh I didn’t pay full price for them
Your dish was delicious! Oh it’s one of only things I make well lol
You always know what to say! Oh I was going back and forth in my mind if I should
Your children are so well mannered! Oh I guess I was just blessed because I fall quite short as a mom
You are such a responsible worker! Oh I guess it’s one benefit of having an uptight personality he he he.

↑ Cheiny ↓

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 1:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

Interesting
I find still nice to compliment. For example I might not like ur dress on me bc of the color/fabric /style but I like it on YOU. That’s what important. Making the other Person feel good .
I’ve worn a pretty flattering dress a few times . Love the way it sits on me and the way it feels . Felt so happy in it .
However not one person has mentioned that they like it on me , the color, etc .
It hurts . Makes me rethink if the dress is really pretty and to get rid of it . But BAruch Hashem I’m at a good place emotionally (but sometimes I do fall in not such a good place bc I don’t get positive feedback from ppl- not that I live on it 100% , it’s the sprinkles on top - nice to get complimented every once in a while ya know ) that I can manage without and feel confident that I am beautiful, perfect, amazing etc just the way I am .

So if you say you feel happy when you’re wearing a certain dress and know it’s flattering on you—but if no one happens to compliment you on the dress, it then makes you rethink “if the dress is really pretty, or whether to toss it,” it’s a clear sign you’re not secure in your own judgment, taste, opinion.

That’s something that can be worked on in therapy. It’s about your own feelings about yourself and your own self image. No amount of compliments from others will alleviate that issue for you,

↑ Cheiny

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 1:06 pm

amother Wandflower wrote:

That’s common. It comes from feeling insecure about yourself.
The best way to respond to a compliment, whether you believe it’s accurate/earned or not, is simply, “Thank you.”

zaq ↓

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 1:55 pm

DRTL, but... we've become so paranoid about making personal remarks, never knowing what may "trigger" someone (gosh, I hate that word, so overused), be labeled "inappropriate," or be considered intrusive. Don't tell someone she lost weight, it implies she was fat before. Don't say "that's a pretty blouse," it implies the skirt isn't. And why are you mentioning something so personal, anyway? Who asked you to comment?

However, I'm with you, OP. I do try to remember to compliment anything I see that looks nice. I walk up to total strangers (women only, natch) and tell them I like the color of their jacket ( then show them my umbrella or gloves that are the same color, and continue on my way) or admire the embroidery on their blouse. My mother used to say "If you think something nice, say it aloud." It does put a smile on people's faces, and it feels good to connect with someone in a pleasant way for that brief moment.

↑ zaq ↓

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 1:58 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

If I'm wearing a dress I hate, then anyone who compliments it is insulting my taste.

No they're not. They're sharing their taste. If I think it's pretty and you think it's ugly, it's MY taste that's being insulted.

And why do you wear dresses you hate, anyway? Give them away to someone who likes them and make both of you happy.

Last edited by zaq on Tue, Dec 24 2024, 2:30 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Coral

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 2:10 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

I find most compliments demeaning.

.

Maybe you could use some therapy. I say this seriously, not as a knee-jerk Imamother response. It's true that many American women don't know how to accept compliments gracefully (hence, the "what? That old thing?" response to being told what a lovely bridal gown you wore) but to call them "demeaning" is a very peculiar reaction, unless you just accomplished a major feat at work and your male boss responds " how lovely you look today." Yes, that would be demeaning--not to your looks but to your brain and your work.

↑ zaq ↓

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 2:16 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

I am not thrilled that every potential compliment listed is about appearances, clothes, etc. There are many ways to compliment people that are about them vs what they are wearing. The amother who go the sheitel compliment ended up feeling great about her skill and management of setting her own sheitel, for example.

I'm not saying don't compliment on appearances. But please, there are other things to find too. Many people who do not want to have appearance things noted and pointed out will be happy to hear they have a great smile, or you are impressed by their ability to do something.

And please, if you see something that stands out negatively, don't search for a positive about that thing and say it- it tells the person you are noticing that thing. Look for something different.

A great smile is part of their appearance. Just saying. And random strangers in the street, all I know about them is how they look. I don't see their brains, compassion, parenting skills or anything else. I see their emerald green jacket or embroidered blouse.

And I can totally see how someone might feel condescended to if they were told in the supermarket "you handled your toddler's tantrum so well." Because now you're pointing out that you noticed the tantrum. Better to pretend you didn't notice anything.

↑ zaq ↓

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 2:20 pm

amother Quince wrote:

It's a very funny thing.

There are some people who always have a compliment on their tongues. Always. As soon as you see them. And it feels so genuine and appreciated.

And there are other people who will give a compliment and somehow it comes off as forced and phony. I don't mean like an insult. Like they're saying they love your dress but you can tell they really hate it. I just mean it's like you can sense they made a mental note to compliment you on something. Anything.

Because I love how nice it feels to get a compliment that feels genuine, I am working on myself to give compliments to others. But I always wonder if others are perceiving my compliments as fake. I'm not making up things, telling someone their earrings are so pretty if I don't really think they are. But still it's not 100% natural for me, so a work in progress and hoping my compliments are received well.

If you're selective and compliment now and then, not at every encounter not every person, not about the same thing each time, and only if you really admire something, you'll be fine. Sincerity shows even if awkwardly expressed.

amother

↑ Wheat

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 2:24 pm

OP why put so much weight towards a compliment on clothing. Sorry, if I do compliment it's not to your clothing.
Firstly, I may not even notice what you're wearing. Honestly most people care what they're wearing but not what other people are wearing.
Secondly, clothing are such an external thing. I consider them comments. Not compliments.
Like yay you like my shoes. That doesn't make me feel a tiny drop better than I did a second ago. I didn't make these shoes, Target did.
If I sewed a dress and you compliment it sure that would make me feel good. But if you like a dress that I'm wearing, I don't even know what to respond. Usually it's like "well so do I that's why I bought it" I don't bother with such comments. I rather say sincere compliments.

↑ zaq ↓

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 2:28 pm

amother Wandflower wrote:

This is part of our "fear of ayin hara" culture. We hasten to refute a compliment to neutralize any potential ayin hara. We also live in fear of appearing arrogant, so rather than saying "thank you," which could be interpreted as agreement, we negate it, not realizing that by refuting the compliment, we are implying that the person giving the compliment doesn't have good judgment. "What, this shmatteh? It's forty years old (which means you have no clue as to what's in style)."

↑ zaq ↓

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 2:38 pm

Here's a thought: how about we all wear custom campaign buttons that let people know what topics not to bring up with us?

Leaf's will read "Warning: DO NOT COMPLIMENT, I find them demeaning"; Wheat's will say "DON'T COMPLIMENT EXTERNALS" and OP'S and mine will read "Compliments sincerely given, gracefully accepted."

amother

↑ OP ↓

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 3:16 pm

amother Cinnamon wrote:

I happen to hate compliments from anyone other than my dh.
I was at the mikvah last week and the lady at the front desk said something like "you have such a beautiful smile, its the cherry on top". was totally awkward and strange. It could be she feels the need to compliment thinking shes calming people but it irked me. My smile is normal nothing beautiful so I don't go for people trying to make you feel good.

This is a little strange . I would feel weird about it

fbc

Tue, Dec 24 2024, 3:32 pm

zaq wrote:

I respectfully disagree. I think most people just don't know how to respond to compliments/ feel awkward just saying thank you and then leaving that hanging in the air (ex: "hey that sweater looks so pretty on you, it really brings out your eyes!" "Thank you!" *Silence* like, who's supposed to say what next?). I have really tried to work on this as I love giving compliments as much as I love receiving them. It was a process! At this point what works for me is to have some ideas in my head of which direction to take the conversation post thank you. So, for my above example, I would probably respond something like "thank you! I've been trying to pay attention to colors that suit me better, so I'm happy to hear it's working!" Or something along those lines. "Thanks! I've been trying to stay away from all black, and I saw this sweater and just couldn't leave it in the store!" Then it most often leads to more conversation and gets rid of the awkwardness.
When I was going through my "awkward to just say thank you and leave it at that" stage, it had nothing to do with ayin hara at all.