Teen wants to talk right when she gets home

amother

Papaya

Yesterday at 8:23 am

amother OP wrote:

On the nights where things are not insane (probably about 50/50 at this point) that's what we do. She knows I'm listening, but not with 100% attention. And she's okay with that. Later in the evening we'll schmooze/she can retell me the parts I missed. But often later she just isn't as interested. It's like this excitement right when she gets home and that fizzles as the evening wears on. But at leastbshe knows I'm available and willing if she wnats me. The bigger issue is nights like tonight, where I can't even devote 2% of my attention. It's true what others have said, it's not fair to make her wait and yet I have no choice. I feel like I'm creating a situation where she'll eventually lose all interst in even trying to tell me about her day.

I think there are times as a parent where we can't get everything 100% right all the time. If on the nights she gets home and you are able to you pause to listen, she may have to learn that there are other nights where you can't. However, if possible, try to give her that response without snapping. Honey, give me a few minutes because things got out of control here right now, but I really want to listen to you, your day sounds so happening.

Just want to give you a hug as another mother whose child went thru a mental health crisis (as a teen) and it was challenging to stretch myself in all directions and give to this child, to that child, to meet everyone's needs during a challenging time. This was quite a number of years ago, and both children involved have moved on and married (yes including the child with managed mental health condition). Gam Zeh Yaavor. You do your best as a parent, it's all you can do.

Mama Bear

Yesterday at 10:40 am

Your post is reminding me of those years when Mendy was still living at home and it was absolute chaos, and Shimmy at the time was around 10 or 11 and he would constantly want things from me even though I was literally falling apart trying to keep everyone safe and the house together. And yes, I resorted to a lot of yelling and crying at the time bc I was under so much stress!

So, OP, I want to share a few thoughts with you:

You are 100% normal. During a time of extreme chaos and craziness it is impossible to pay attention to something that seems to have time for later. I don't blame you for your reaction at that time.

However, what your daughter wants from you right then and there, is not even to tell you her rambly stories; she is craving attention and acknowledgement from you. She sees the chaos unfolding around her and thinks, "I'm also worthy of my mother's time!" Also, since I dont know her, she might also have so impulsive streaks that make it impossible for her to wait. All of this is frustrating.

So here are 2 possible ways for you to deal with it:

1) The next quiet opportunity, sit down with her, and explain to her very gently, on her own terms and on the level that you think she'll understand, that while you absolutely want to hear about her day, she can see with her own eyes that it's too chaotic and even dangerous, to stop what youre doing and ignore the house at that very moment. Help her see that this is literally life-and-death and while you wish you can give her private time when she walks through the door, it's just not humanly possible.

2) I think a better way of dealing with the whole sitution is *not* to tell her, "Sorry shaifeleh I cant listen to you right now bc look what's going on around here," bla bla -- just continue what you're doing, and listen and nod and say, "Sure, just a sec," etc -- she'll see for herself that you're trying your hardest but you literally can't. Unless she has some cognitive limitations, doesn't she see the chaos? If it's not chaos, then your little ones should be able to also stop nagging you for a minute so you can listen to the at least part of it.

3) Another method you can use is to enlist her in helping, while she's talking. "Hello shaifeleh! I'd love to listen to your day, there's just so much going on now, can you maybe sit next to me here by the bath / here in the kitchen while I feed the toddler / bread these cutlets / build this lego tower? I can listen to you for X minutes, but I'll be interrupted. Are you okay with that?"

4) have her sit down and write some bullet points of what she wants to tell you, and check in with her a lot sooner than 1-2 hours later. More like half hour later. When the chaos has died down. and when you have a little more help. SHe doesnt want to wait that long to talk to you. But if it's just unimportant rambling stories, she can write some of it down so she doesnt forget. and if she doesnt like writing, she can record it into a recording device.

5) If all of this fails, therapy might be in order. I felt TERRIBLE that I couldn't give Shimmy all the time and attention he needed bc everything in the house revolved around Mendy. And shimmy literally wouldn't/couldn't understand it, even though he saw it right in front of his eyes. He was only 9/10/11 at the time, but I took him to play therapy (later in the evening when my husband was home already), and he continued for about 2-3 years, and I explained the situation to the therapist. He got the extra attention he needed. And it turned out he wasn't even that upset at the situation at home. He just liked to talk. A lot. He's now 19, bh, kne"h, and still loves to chew my ear off, and I absolutely love it! Bc how many teenage boys tell their mother stuff? I have an amazing relationship with him BH -- all this listening to his childish/teenage stories paid off. (Heaven help me when he gets married iyh, *I'll* need therapy! lol)

I want to say that I really commiserate with you, its really hard to juggle a family that has high-needs kids and regular needs kids. The regular kids feel like they're being overlooked, while you feel like youre splitting yourself in 3. Remember to also take care of yourself! You're also a human being.

Hugs. Hopefully bez"H this too shall pass.

amother

Mauve

Yesterday at 2:37 pm

Mama Bear wrote:

I love your writing style!

amother

↑ OP

Yesterday at 2:48 pm

Thank you to all who responded. I really appreciate and needed to hear the words of chizzuk and validation. I don't have time right now so close to shabbosb to respond individually to each post. I will try to come back after shabbos and rsponf to speciifc points brought up.
Based on the responses here I see I'm already doing most of what's been suggested. On most days I do make the time to listen to her right when she gets home. It's not always with my full attention, and she knows and is ok with that. I buy her little treats just because to show her I love her. I've spoken to her about how sometimes I just can't be available right away, but at the rnd of the dau every child wants their mothers attention and a part of her is hurt when I can't be availble to her. I think deep down I know that I'm handling it as best as possible given the difficult circumstances. I guess it's just my Jewish mother's guilt at not being able to give everyone what they need all the time.