Nervous about encouraging weight loss

amother

OP ↓

Yesterday at 1:25 am

Teenage DD is very overweight and talks about it. I feel bad for her, but don't want to nudge her too strongly to choose the veggies at dinner, not take a bag of chips, do exercise, etc. because my mom did it to me and it was sooo painful. The memories of how my mom tried to "help" me cause me to be nervous when dd tries eating less. I give occasional suggestions, but no more. Any ideas?

amother

Powderblue

Yesterday at 1:38 am

You sound like a great mother! Speaking from experience (as both the overweight teenager and mother of teenagers) I would wait until she brings up the conversation. I would stress that the most important thing is to be healthy and happy. Follow her lead and ask her if she wants to just have a sympathetic ear to vent to or does she want help. Ask her what kind of help she would appreciate. Tell her she’s beautiful! Even if she asks for help, tread carefully…

amother

Chocolate

Yesterday at 1:44 am

I wouldn't bring it up if she didn't, but since you say that she talks about it then you can use that as an opening. Next time she brings it up, you can ask her how you can help. Listen to her if she has any ideas and work together to figure out a plan that seems workable for both of you. If she asks you to make her a fresh salad to take for lunch every morning, that might not be something you can manage, but you can help her figure out how to bring healthy food to school, for example. You can offer to take her to a nutritionist or pay for some kind of exercise classes or go on walks with her three times a week, or whatever works with her schedule. You can offer to provide healthier options at meals and for snacks at home. If you have other children at home then it gets a little tricky to not deprive them of their favorite foods in order to remove temptations for your daughter.

Things not to do that my parents have done to me over the years:
- Put her on a diet without her consent (I was on Weight Watchers in 6th grade)
- Control her food portions in a very obvious manner (slivers for her and normal size portions for her siblings)
- Discourage taking seconds, especially if she had a small portion to start (I can't tell you how often I left the table still feeling hungry)
- Watch every mouthful of what she eats with a disapproving look on your face
- Move food away from her when she reaches for it
- Offer to buy her a new wardrobe if she goes down a size or two
- When going clothes shopping, tell her that everything would look so much better in her if she would just lose x lbs
- Make comparisons between her and other girls, especially sisters or if they have different body types
- Use fat shaming language
- Use guilt as a tool

Edited to add: I got the perfect amother name! I would literally gorge myself on chocolate from my hidden stash whenever my parents did (or still do) any of the above. No wonder I look like I do (I fall into the obese category.)

amother

Silver

Yesterday at 3:31 am

It's okay to encourage a healthy lifestyle for our children. I don't know why we're so scared to do that. Not in a derogatary or shaming way, just matter of fact.

You can suggest going on a weekly walk, swimming or cut down on unhealthy snack bags in the house in general. Much better to stick to popcorn and chips if you must have them around.

I don't live in the USA but I've been there a couple of times and the culture is to blame for unhealthy weight patterns in the younger generation.

What you can do as a parents is limit junk food and sweet drinks for Shabbos and even then with a limit and if you're doing the cooking, you can stick to unprocessed and better food choices e.g. less mac and cheese and more chicken, rice and vegatables.

Turning this into a battle or stressful topic is bound to backfire but if she's feeling uncomfortable, I think it's okay to do the abovementioned suggestions.

I wish my mother would have.... It took me until I was married to realize this on my own and make healtheir choices which led to a happier me.

amother

NeonBlue

Yesterday at 4:36 am

You’re right to be nervous! Don’t focus on just your daughter. If you want to introduce healthier lifestyle behaviors do it for the whole family. Maybe on Sundays go on a walk, or at night do a dance workout with your kids.

Encourage everyone to have a healthy food before a snack. Make wholesome healthy dinners.

You can speak to a HAES dietitian for guidance for yourself. Avoid at all costs any weight loss dietitians. Guidance should be focused on introducing healthier lifestyle behaviors and NOT on weight loss or limiting calories etc

amother

↑ OP ↓

Today at 3:26 pm

Thank you for your wonderful responses! You sound like such smart, special ladies!

Chocolate, poor thing for what your parents did to you! My parents did less than that, and who can forget the stinging that I felt all over inside of me when everyone else was allowed to have something that I wasn't allowed to have.

I'm thin, and try to have healthy food around, but it looks like dd got genes from dh's side, along with a love of carbs, junk, and no exercise. I tell her she's beautiful and she says she's fat.

amother

Leaf

Today at 4:35 pm

I would offer to go to the gym with her every day before school. My own mother did this with me and it changed my life, because I started exercising and also waking up early and being so productive really made me make much healthier choices the rest of the day

Work on a meal plan for the whole family that is healthier

I honestly had zero body shame or anxiety until I went on bc pills and gained a ton. And even now, it’s mostly from how I feel health wise rather than how I look. I HATE that I’m winded after a flight of states. I hate the random aches and pains. It’s uncomfortable. I think the goal needs to be health, not skinny. Work towards BMI goals and healthier habits. Don’t be afraid to go on this journey with her, because she will still feel bad about how she looks at the end of the day and maybe she’ll blame you for never encouraging her to change her habits, the same way you blame your mother for always nagging you. There can be a good middle ground that doesn’t result in obesity or eating disorders