No family vent | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 9:14 pm

My DH is a BT and from OOT, so we don't see his family often. My family doesn't live close and all I have is my immediate family, no cousins, aunts etc. Also my family dynamic is complicated and often draining to spend time with them.
Everyone is so busy having fun get together and parties on chanukah and complains about how busy it is... and I'm here feeling sad that we just stay home and do fun activities with the kids at home but they're getting older and my son said he wishes we had a big party to go to with lots of cousins and lots of bubbies lol
I also really want to go away for shabbos chanukah and get a "vacation" but we have no one to go to besides my family who is a) far away so will be tiring b)doesn't really have room for us so it's going to be a squeeze and c) will come back probably drained from them anyways....
We also live in a community where there aren't really neighborhood events, etc. Everyone is busy enough with their own lives type of vibes.
This is more a vent, but open to ideas (or invites lol)

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 9:25 pm

amother OP wrote:

We have the same problem so we invite people that have no family to big hugs

amother

cornflower

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 9:25 pm

Make your own fun. Invite people without family, friends who are divorced or widowed, single children, people who could really benefit from an invite. Serve something nice, play uplifting music, smile, and enjoy making your own good time. Have a nice outing . Go for a hike if it’s warm enough or go to the mall and pick a small gift. Volunteer at a local food pantry or soup kitchen. You can also bake something for first responders and say thank you.

amother

NeonPink

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 9:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thanks all
I know we can invite ppl and I'll try to think of who to invite, but I really would love to be invited Sad

I buy cute activities to do at home, play games, etc. We have a lot of fun family rituals at this point. But I also want my kids to have the "normal" chanukah experience

You set the tone in the home. If you feel that you are lacking, they’ll pick up on it, when they otherwise would not have cared. I’m in a similar boat, and one dc is very upset about having no family and being different than the other families, and the rest of my kids don’t care. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.

Iymnok

Thu, Dec 19 2024, 11:51 pm

We e made some rituals for chanukah.
Someone else passes out chocolate coins after we sing maoz tzur.
We make sufganiyot with all the toppings and fillings one night.
8th night we go on a walk (or drive if it's raining)around the neighborhood to see all the chanukiyot and find the building with the most.
I have made a chanukah party that was basically my sister and her family. But only if I have the energy that year.
I try to make more special dinners, often dairy.

amother

DarkCyan

Yesterday at 12:13 am

Growing up my family was the same, but my parents made each night fun.
Make your own 'traditions' so that in 20 yrs your kids will have the chanuka family times with their married siblings and children.

We don't live close to family so just have one night with DH family so the other nights we make our own family party.
Each night we do something special after lightning, either a family toy gift and play together as a family, plain doughnuts we decorate together, making latkes already in the afternoon to eat, play dreidel with choc chips, chocolate lentils or anything small that we can each have loads of and have a long fun game. Some nights it's chanuka activities, we bought last yr window paints that you decorate on a plastic and transfer to windows after it's dry, it doesn't leave any marks when you peel off, we did all chanuka decorations and the kids are waiting to do it again this year, they see it the whole time in the craft cupboard but it's a 'chanuka activity'.

It's definitely gets harder as they get older but if they have the fond memories from when they are young they still enjoy themselves and you can ask them to help the younger kids create the memories, make them incharge of a fun activity one night each.

Elfrida

Yesterday at 12:14 am

amother OP wrote:

Thanks all
I know we can invite ppl and I'll try to think of who to invite, but I really would love to be invited Sad

I buy cute activities to do at home, play games, etc. We have a lot of fun family rituals at this point. But I also want my kids to have the "normal" chanukah experience

This version of normal, having a big chanukah party for all the family, has become normal within the past generation. It didn't take place that way in previous generations, living in different countries. Which doesn't mean your son's (and your) feelings aren't valid.

You want to fit in to a big family, with the warmth (and the quarrels) of multiple generations who gave known each other for ever. Does this also come up on other chagim? What accommodations have you made there? Can you adapt them to chanukah?

amother

Blushpink

Yesterday at 1:00 am

How old are your kids? Like other people mentioned, we tried to make a fun supper every night. As my kids got older, I would put a different one in charge every night. They planned and made a fun dinner themselves (or with help for the younger ones). Lots of fun for the kids and I got to feel like I was “invited out” too.

imaima

Yesterday at 2:18 am

amother Opal wrote:

Both DH and I have huge families. We still can’t go to parties. I have one sister in law who objects to my very disabled child’s iPad. So I have learned to do without. We put out cute decorations and have a really nice self pity free yom tov.

Wow she is probably not the one who would complain about Chanuka without family. She doesn’t really seem to appreciate that she has you

heidi

Yesterday at 2:30 am

amother DarkCyan wrote:

This!
My friend made aliyah with literally zero family.
She recently told me how happy she is that her kids and grandchildren will have the extended family parties she lacked

amother

Obsidian

Yesterday at 3:02 am

amother OP wrote:

This is nice. This is wonderful. If you didn't have all your neighbors going to their giant family parties to compare yourself with, it would probably never dawn on you to feel discontented.

We're also BTs with no big family parties to go to. And it was a surprise to me that when I tried to make parties here for friends and neighbors they were largely too occupied with their own families -- all 8 nights! But I've learned to focus on all the fun things we can do here with just our immediate family and not concern myself with what everyone else is doing. And one day IY"H all our kids will grow up, marry, have large beautiful families, and there will be big family parties to make and attend then.

amother

Seashell

Yesterday at 3:10 am

amother Opal wrote:

Your SIL should be the one not to come. But I'm assuming that she's from one side of the family, so at least go to the party from the other side.

amother

Bergamot

Yesterday at 6:00 am

I grew up with BT parents and felt the same way. My parents tried to make Chuankah fun, and when my siblings and I were older, we’d each choose a night, get a budget, and plan something really fun for the family. So that’s an idea…
Now BH I have a family of my own, and DH comes from a nice sized family, but we live OOT so we have no family near us. IyH we will fill each night of Chanukah with so much fun and warmth so that our kids walk away satisfied and happy.

amother

Oatmeal

Yesterday at 6:13 am

Is it an option to go to a Chanukah hotel program for Shabbos Chanukah? There are some events in the tristate area advertised and they sound so nice! It's not an option for us because we have an extended family major event on Motzei Shabbos. I don't know if it's feasible for financial reasons or if you're even in the tristate area though.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 6:43 am

amother Oatmeal wrote:

I was looking at them but there's no way we would financially be able to swing it but it does look nice

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 6:43 am

amother Bergamot wrote:

That's a cute idea when my kids are older