Teen wants to talk right when she gets home

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 6:08 pm

amother Bluebonnet wrote:

Nothing will happen if you pause everything for ten minutes to listen to her

Edit: sorry I read your second post after. Can you get a mothers helper?

I've thought about it but honestly not sure sure it would be fair to them. The high school girls aren't getting home until 6bor later, and by then it's already too late, if we're having a bad night things are already beyond the scope of a teenager by then. And hoenstly as the mother of teens myself I wouldn't want my girls going into a home that had what happens in my house going on. It's not really fair to put them in that situation. I would need to hire someone older, like a college student and that would cost me $20+ an hour, if I could even find someone. Not that we can afford it right but I may need to do it anyway if things don't stabilize.

amother

IndianRed

Yesterday at 6:31 pm

Op I don't have advice. But if this is any consolation to you just know that there is at least one more household (mine) that is just as crazy as yours. I could've written what you wrote almost word for word.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 7:40 pm

amother Babypink wrote:

It does seem like there's alot going on bh. Where is your husband in the picture? When does he get home? Maybe you can rework the daily schedule in the house & the kids can do their homework after 6, after your teen comes home. Perhaps you can serve dinner earlier? It is very possible that your teen feels ignored & that you don't give her enough time an attention. Yes, it difficult to juggle it all, but I like to say to myself that it's not the older children's fault that they have demanding/difficult younger siblings & that mom can't manage. No one likes to feel ignored, especially when they get home late after a long school day.
Maybe you can treat your daughter from time to time to show her that you care & think about her. Putting a treat in her backpack, can go a long way.

My husband gets home at around 7. There is no option for him to get home any earlier. He currently works 3 jobs, one of which is teaching in a boys yeshiva in the afternoon. Class ends at about 6:20 and then he has a 35/40 minute drive home. Short of quitting his job (which is something we have talked about so he can be home but we need the money) there's nothing to do about his schedule. I could push off homework for the older child (10 year old) but 7 year old needs to do everything earlier because she needs to be in bed by 7ish. My kids first get home at 5 (they also have a commute from school) and eat dinner the minute they walk in the door. They leave early in the morning (wake up 6:15/6:30, on the bus just after 7). So the younger ones really need to be in bed early. When I've tried putting her to bed later she can't get up in the morning.

It's absolutely possible that teen feels ignored. I do my best to give her time/attention later. I agree that it's completely not her fault that her younger siblings are demanding, but that doesn't change the reality. I often buy her little treats, her favorite snacks, small tchotkes just because, I'm spending a lot more on her chanukah present than I normally would to her her something I know she really wants, etc.

She's not my only teen, I have another older 1 and a younger not quite but almost teen. But I don't have the same issue with them, at least not to the same extent. They also want to talk to me right when they get home but are better at recognizing and understanding when things are simply too crazy. This one daughter wants my attention no matter what other craziness is going on, and gets insulted when I just can't give it to her. Obviously she needs it more than the others, but sometimes it's just not possible. I feel bad for her and I just don't know what else to do about it.

amother

Phlox

Yesterday at 7:42 pm

She's needs u just like everyone else does.

Don't know her age but some stop sharing and put up a wall and it takes a lot effort to get them to share anything

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 7:43 pm

amother Babypink wrote:

Would you be open to reaching out to a parenting expert to help you figure this out?

I'm totally open to suggestions if you have someone to recommend. I talk to my child's therapist about it, but at the end of the day her job is to work with my child, not manage the whole family's dynamics.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 7:44 pm

amother Tealblue wrote:

Just want to say I have a child going through a be hard mental challenge right now. Bh I only have two children at home but it’s not an exaggeration to say she takes up hours of my day. The fact that you’re juggling more makes you superwoman. It’s so, so hard. You give and you give and it’s never enough.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with too. I think only those who have/had a child who struggles in this way can really understand how much it takes out of you and how badly it affects the whole family.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 7:51 pm

amother Starflower wrote:

It sounds like you really have your hands full. Even though you may not be able to change the situation right now I think a little bit of validating your daughter could go a long way. Like the story tonight instead of snapping at her you could say. I really really want to hear about your day, I know you just came home you missed a lot of craziness. I need to get things control, as much as I hate to do this can we pause and talk about this later. And at another time tell her how much you hate that the timing of when she comes home things are so chaotic how much you wish you can listen to her right away. How hard this must be for her to have to wait after a full day of school etc

You're right, I totally should not have snapped at her. I'm not defending it or saying it was ok. And as soon as I did I regretted it and felt awful. But it's very very hard to think straight when you have sharp projectiles being thrown at your face and multiple kids melting down at the same time. As soon as things calmed down I apologized to her and tried explaining, but the damage was done. B"h a few hours later she had calmed down and she, my preteen and I enjoyed fully loaded cups of hot cocoa together while we chatted.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 7:55 pm

amother Amber wrote:

I have a teenager with adhd. I have learned to listen with one ear. She repeats a lot which makes it easier. It's hard but try every so often to focus and respond. You don't need to the entire time.

So, many nights this is what I do. She chats, I insert some noncommittal noises here and there while catching only half of what she's saying. And that's enough for me to be able to ask her further questions later when I can be more focused to fully hear what she was trying to say earlier. But like I said in my earlier post on too many nights these days I literally cannot devote any brain space to listening to her right then.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 7:56 pm

amother IndianRed wrote:

Thank you for the validation. Though I feel terrible that you are also struggling and dealing with challenging behaviors. It's so so draining.

Sebastian

Yesterday at 7:58 pm

sorry but I think she needs to learn that the world doesnt revolve around her and she needs to wait. I also had a challenging sibling and I cant imagine demanding my moms undivided attn if that kid was having a meltdown. she sound clueless and selfish

in the meantime let her talk and smile and nod (unless objects are headed your way).

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 8:00 pm

amother Phlox wrote:

She's needs u just like everyone else does.

Don't know her age but some stop sharing and put up a wall and it takes a lot effort to get them to share anything

This is exactly the reason I posted about this. This is my biggest fear, I don't want her to stop sharing. I love that even though she's a teen she still really wants to tell me about her day. And I want to hear it, I want to know what's going on in my child's life and inner world. I just wish she had the maturity to understand that sometimes that means waiting a bit. And it's not because I care about her less, in fact the opposite. Because I care I really want to be able to focus and listen. And right then I can't do that.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 8:14 pm

Sebastian wrote:

So she definitely does have some of those types of tendencies. The problem is that it's been a rough few years for our family as I have more than 1 child with serious mental health challenges/diagnoses. B"h the others are doing much much better now, and only the 1 is still struggling on a regular basis. But this daughter hasn't been put 1st in a long long time. And I think that's where a lot of this is coming from. It's one thing when it's for a few months while you stabilize a challenging child, but when we're heading into year 3 or 4 it's a totally different story. She's never voiced this out loud but I think that sub consciously that's where some of these behaviors/attitudes come from. She wants to feel like she matters too. Just because she isn't challenging it isn't fair for her to be put last all the time. So I'm loathe to label her clueless and selfish. More like deprived of her parents attention for so long that it has forced her to demand it in a way that's maybe less than age appropriate.

imaima ↓

Today at 2:53 am

amother OP wrote:

My teenage daughter gets home from school right around 6:00. This also happens to be the craziest time of day in our house. DH isn't home from work and I'm always right in the middle of homework, supper, bathtime craziness with my younger kids. And several of my home kids are fairly difficult and I'm generally treading a tightrope desperately trying to avoid epic meltdowns. When my teen gets home she acts to tell me everything about her day as soon as she walks in the door. And I feel awful because I'm simply unable to be available to her right then. I know she's still young and wants her mother's attention too and it's great that she wants to share her day with me, and I really do want to hear it, I just need her to wait an hour or 2. And I know, I know it's not the same later. She gets busy and by then the excitement has worn off and she isn't as interested. I've tried speaking to her at a calm moment and explaining to her that I want to hear about her day but I'm not available right when she gets home. And yet, everyday she still tries to talk to me right then. And then she gets insulted that I'm not interested in her day. How do others in this situation handle it? I don't want her to stop sharing because she feels unimportant but I really need to focus on my other kids right then.

I deal with this too so my tips are:
1) if she comes at predictable times, try and don’t start a bath/ meal/ whatever right before it. Maybe settle the kids with toys or snacks that they eat independently so you are a bit calmer.

2) let her talk to you even though you don’t register what she is saying. Then follow up when you have the time.

3) let her share the activity with you, for example, I let her follow me to the bathroom whete I am supervising little kids, or cooking

↑ imaima ↓

Today at 2:56 am

amother OP wrote:

To all those saying or isn't fair to make her wait and carve out a few minutes to speak to her, I really do. On nights where things aren't crazy o do listen to her, and I may to ask her to pause for a minute to answer a question or tell a younger child something. And that she's OK with. She isn't thrilled but she accepts it. The problem is on nights like tonight, which unfortunately happen too often.

I have a younger child with some serious mental health challenges. Yes we're working with a therapist and said child is on psychiatric medication, but those only do so much. And this is on top of my other kids who have very strong, intense personalities and my youngest who sees their older sibling's behavior and mimics a lot of it.

To paint a picture of how this plays out.... Tonight my 4 year old threw a tantrum because after asking me to put ketchup on her pasta she decided that really she wanted to put it on herself. 20+ minutes later when I finally got dc 4 calm they decided the solution was to wipe each piece of pasta off with a paper towel to get the ketchup off so that they could then proceed to put ketchup on them on their own. Then, while trying to help my 7 year old do homework my 10 year old had a question about their homework. But instead of just asking for help this child barges into the room screaming how they don't understand what to do. When I had the audacity to please ask DC 10 to wait a minute while I finished listen to DC do kriyah DC 10 flung their book on the floor and stomped out of the room screaming. Less than 2 minutes later DC came back in the room and saw DC 4 holding a special item I had just bought for a project they were doing for school. DC 10 ran over and tried grabbing it out of DC 4 hands. I told DC 4 to put it down, and of course being 4 (and having a desire to drive big sibling crazy) DC 4 decided to put it high up on a shelf. I told DC 10 to stop as DC 4 was putting it away, but DC wouldn't calm down or stop grabbing it. So of course a corner of it got crumpled and DC was furious. In a fir of anger she grabbed a fork that was lying nearby and threw it right at my face, hitting me right near my eye (yes this is the child with the mental health challenges). And then....into all this walks my teen wanting to talk about her day. I would have loved to give her 5 or even 2 minutes of attention, but I was literally trying to keep everyone safe, myself included. And when she started telling me some story about her teacher and I told her I just can't listen to a story about other people right now she got so insulted. Yes, looking back now that this calmed down I know I could have said it in a nice way. But everything was so heightened right then that I wasn't even thinking.

About 45 minutes later once I had this back under control I approached my teen and told her I was sorry that I snapped at her earlier and that if she wanted to talk to me now I was available to listen. And she just started crying and yelling at me that no, if it don't want to hear it she's not interested in telling me. I feel like while she's still young she should be old enough to be able to read the room and see that right then wasn't a good time to tell me a story about school. But her desire to talk to me trumps everything in her mind, she doesn't yet seem to have that maturity to understand that while it might not be fair yes sometimes (often times right now due to my other child's challenging behaviors) she is going to have to wait. Nothing about living with a sibling with a mental health challenge is fair, but I can't do anything to change that. And I do make sure to make myself available to my older kids later in the evening, even when I'm exhausted and feel like falling on my face I make sure to stay around and available so they can talk to me then. But somehow it's not enough for her, she my attention right away and I don't know how to balance that with keeping my home from devolving into complete dysfunction.

Sorry this ended up turning out much longer than I expected. If you read the whole thing, thank you.

Sorry to hear that. Maybe it’s on her to read the room…

↑ imaima

Today at 2:58 am

amother OP wrote:

Thank you for the validation. Though I feel terrible that you are also struggling and dealing with challenging behaviors. It's so so draining.

Is there a way to have another parent or family member or a helper for this time of the day?
Maybe even invite a playdate for the evening so they are occupied with someone else and don’t need your attention (while also not accomplishing what needs to be done, but at least you can deal with your teen).

amother

Mintgreen

Today at 3:32 am

Wow this sounds like such a hard situation and I commend you OP for realizing even through all that that it's wrong to ignore your daughter you just don't have the tools (maybe the tools don't exist Wink

) to listen to her.

I would recommend that aside from strong projectiles being thrown at you any questions or comments that are being asked to you during those first 10-15 minutes after she comes home you say "No Sweetheart I'm busy with your older sister now". This has to be a firm boundary. If she sees you trying she will understand that you are human and absolutely don't have a head to listen when sharp projectiles are thrown at you.

I also struggle with a child like yours but deep down I KNOW that I absolutely cannot let my other kids feel like he is my first priority so I go to parenting classes and talk to a mentor about this and am always validated to leave him and focus on the other children

amother

↑ Bluebonnet

Today at 4:16 am

Op wow I am crying. You sound like an amazing amazing mother. I will daven for your situation to get lighter. Putting your daughter aside I am not sure how long a mother can survive in a situation like this all by herself without breaking.

I thought of another thing, is there any way in the world that you can get your daughter to come home earlier once a week?
Alternatively can you take her out for lunch once a week? Even if it’s just homemade salads in the car?

↑ BH Yom Yom

Today at 4:27 am

amother OP wrote:

You sound like such an attuned mother—I give you so much credit! I see it happen so many times that parents automatically disregard the older child because of a demanding younger child and frame it as, “well he/she is older, therefore, they can continuously be put on the back burner” - which makes the older one feel constantly sidelined and rejected, and doesn’t help the relationship. I really want to commend for NOT doing that, and for sensing what your daughter is likely feeling and and needing. Even though things are very tough right now and you’re being pulled in all directions, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Your kids are fortunate to have such a caring and connected mom. Applause

amother

Lightgreen

Today at 4:54 am

Sounds like you are doing a great job op. Sometimes kids just need more than we are able to give.
Would it work to tell her that you always want to hear what she has to say (you do that already) but when she comes home she should assess If you are busy by looking at what you are already doing (if it's cooking or laundry-available. If it's homework with another kid or any sibling is tantruming-not available) and pick up the phone to call a grandmother, aunt or friend instead just until you have time to listen later.

amother

Trillium

Today at 5:13 am

Hi, OP. I’m dealing with a very similar situation, and I just wanted to send you love and koach. The fact that this is something you are spending your (precious little) free time worrying about and trying to fix means that your daughter IS a priority for you. No matter what happens in the day to day bustle, she knows that she is loved or valued because she is. She’s just a teen, so she may not be able to understand or express that. But it doesn’t mean that it’s not true! You are a strong, caring mama, and in the long run that’s what your kids will remember.

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