Teen wants to talk right when she gets home

amother

OP ↓

Yesterday at 6:28 pm

My teenage daughter gets home from school right around 6:00. This also happens to be the craziest time of day in our house. DH isn't home from work and I'm always right in the middle of homework, supper, bathtime craziness with my younger kids. And several of my home kids are fairly difficult and I'm generally treading a tightrope desperately trying to avoid epic meltdowns. When my teen gets home she acts to tell me everything about her day as soon as she walks in the door. And I feel awful because I'm simply unable to be available to her right then. I know she's still young and wants her mother's attention too and it's great that she wants to share her day with me, and I really do want to hear it, I just need her to wait an hour or 2. And I know, I know it's not the same later. She gets busy and by then the excitement has worn off and she isn't as interested. I've tried speaking to her at a calm moment and explaining to her that I want to hear about her day but I'm not available right when she gets home. And yet, everyday she still tries to talk to me right then. And then she gets insulted that I'm not interested in her day. How do others in this situation handle it? I don't want her to stop sharing because she feels unimportant but I really need to focus on my other kids right then.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 8:15 pm

To all those saying or isn't fair to make her wait and carve out a few minutes to speak to her, I really do. On nights where things aren't crazy o do listen to her, and I may to ask her to pause for a minute to answer a question or tell a younger child something. And that she's OK with. She isn't thrilled but she accepts it. The problem is on nights like tonight, which unfortunately happen too often.

I have a younger child with some serious mental health challenges. Yes we're working with a therapist and said child is on psychiatric medication, but those only do so much. And this is on top of my other kids who have very strong, intense personalities and my youngest who sees their older sibling's behavior and mimics a lot of it.

To paint a picture of how this plays out.... Tonight my 4 year old threw a tantrum because after asking me to put ketchup on her pasta she decided that really she wanted to put it on herself. 20+ minutes later when I finally got dc 4 calm they decided the solution was to wipe each piece of pasta off with a paper towel to get the ketchup off so that they could then proceed to put ketchup on them on their own. Then, while trying to help my 7 year old do homework my 10 year old had a question about their homework. But instead of just asking for help this child barges into the room screaming how they don't understand what to do. When I had the audacity to please ask DC 10 to wait a minute while I finished listen to DC do kriyah DC 10 flung their book on the floor and stomped out of the room screaming. Less than 2 minutes later DC came back in the room and saw DC 4 holding a special item I had just bought for a project they were doing for school. DC 10 ran over and tried grabbing it out of DC 4 hands. I told DC 4 to put it down, and of course being 4 (and having a desire to drive big sibling crazy) DC 4 decided to put it high up on a shelf. I told DC 10 to stop as DC 4 was putting it away, but DC wouldn't calm down or stop grabbing it. So of course a corner of it got crumpled and DC was furious. In a fir of anger she grabbed a fork that was lying nearby and threw it right at my face, hitting me right near my eye (yes this is the child with the mental health challenges). And then....into all this walks my teen wanting to talk about her day. I would have loved to give her 5 or even 2 minutes of attention, but I was literally trying to keep everyone safe, myself included. And when she started telling me some story about her teacher and I told her I just can't listen to a story about other people right now she got so insulted. Yes, looking back now that this calmed down I know I could have said it in a nice way. But everything was so heightened right then that I wasn't even thinking.

About 45 minutes later once I had this back under control I approached my teen and told her I was sorry that I snapped at her earlier and that if she wanted to talk to me now I was available to listen. And she just started crying and yelling at me that no, if it don't want to hear it she's not interested in telling me. I feel like while she's still young she should be old enough to be able to read the room and see that right then wasn't a good time to tell me a story about school. But her desire to talk to me trumps everything in her mind, she doesn't yet seem to have that maturity to understand that while it might not be fair yes sometimes (often times right now due to my other child's challenging behaviors) she is going to have to wait. Nothing about living with a sibling with a mental health challenge is fair, but I can't do anything to change that. And I do make sure to make myself available to my older kids later in the evening, even when I'm exhausted and feel like falling on my face I make sure to stay around and available so they can talk to me then. But somehow it's not enough for her, she my attention right away and I don't know how to balance that with keeping my home from devolving into complete dysfunction.

Sorry this ended up turning out much longer than I expected. If you read the whole thing, thank you.

BH Yom Yom ↓

Yesterday at 8:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

My kids are very young, so I have no advice, but I just want to say that you sound like a very devoted and caring mom with a difficult situation!

amother

↑ Cappuccino

Yesterday at 8:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’m sorry if I was too harsh. Sounds like you really have your hands full. Sending you strength Hug

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 8:52 pm

amother Candycane wrote:

Similar situation here. I've told my HS girls that they are welcome to talk at me as soon as they get in, but I can't promise I'll be able to take it all in, as I truly do not multi-task all that well and there are things that just need my doing at that time OR if they can contain themselves, I put aside 20 minutes special time just for us later in the evening to just sit with a cup of tea and schmooze about everything going on. They generally still spill everything out at me right away but they no longer get upset that I'm only getting 25% of what they're saying because they know they'll have my undivided attention later. But it's really important to have a time slot and stick to it. Because otherwise everyone gets busy, gets tired, and it doesn't happen, and even though it might be as much their fault it didn't happen as it is yours, they'll feel slighted.

On the nights where things are not insane (probably about 50/50 at this point) that's what we do. She knows I'm listening, but not with 100% attention. And she's okay with that. Later in the evening we'll schmooze/she can retell me the parts I missed. But often later she just isn't as interested. It's like this excitement right when she gets home and that fizzles as the evening wears on. But at leastbshe knows I'm available and willing if she wnats me. The bigger issue is nights like tonight, where I can't even devote 2% of my attention. It's true what others have said, it's not fair to make her wait and yet I have no choice. I feel like I'm creating a situation where she'll eventually lose all interst in even trying to tell me about her day.

amother

↑ Babypink ↓

Yesterday at 8:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

It does seem like there's alot going on bh. Where is your husband in the picture? When does he get home? Maybe you can rework the daily schedule in the house & the kids can do their homework after 6, after your teen comes home. Perhaps you can serve dinner earlier? It is very possible that your teen feels ignored & that you don't give her enough time an attention. Yes, it difficult to juggle it all, but I like to say to myself that it's not the older children's fault that they have demanding/difficult younger siblings & that mom can't manage. No one likes to feel ignored, especially when they get home late after a long school day.
Maybe you can treat your daughter from time to time to show her that you care & think about her. Putting a treat in her backpack, can go a long way.

amother

Chambray

Yesterday at 9:04 pm

My high school daughter also used to always talk to me when she would come home. My brain could just not process what she said. Later when it was quiet I tried to explain to her that when the kids are around, I just can't process what she is telling me. I really really want to hear what she says but I just can't understand when all the little kids are around. She still would try to talk to me when the kids are around and later when she would continue to talk after the kids whent to sleep, I asked her to repeat everything. I honestly didn't remember what she told me. I explained to her that I really want to hear but my brain doesn't process when all little kids are around. She is disappointed but at this point, she understands that I can't understand a long story when the kids are around. She will still try her luck once a week or so but usually she is able to wait until later. I try very hard after the kids are already asleep to sit on the couch and talk to her.