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Forum
-> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
amother
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 Mon, Dec 16 2024, 9:12 pm
| amother Heather wrote: | | Does your husband earn a high salary? Can you afford food and clothes for your kids? Camp? |
No he doesn’t and no we cannot. Food is sometimes on cc, we try to be as frugal as possible. Camp I have to send to because at this stage of my life I work part time, so we do what we can but ask for a big break from camp and try to pay in installments but I definitely prioritize paying school over camp.
But my being harried and stressed is ultimately not going to change anything. It may look like I have more parnassa but as a mother my ultimate hishtadlus is as much as I can handle without falling apart. Hashem doesn’t want me to fall apart in the name of money. So if that means debt then that’s the way it is
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amother
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Mon, Dec 16 2024, 9:14 pm
| amother Midnight wrote: | | No he doesn’t and no we cannot. Food is sometimes on cc, we try to be as frugal as possible. Camp I have to send to because at this stage of my life I work part time, so we do what we can but ask for a big break from camp and try to pay in installments but I definitely prioritize paying school over camp |
Everyone is different. Some choose to work harder and pay their bills others choose to work less and live in debt. Everyone does what works for them.
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amother
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Mon, Dec 16 2024, 9:14 pm
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And for the person who said why do we expect it from the men but not from the women- because this was literally Hashems curse to Adam. Our curse was having babies and child rearing. So of course we expect the men to work hard just as they expect us to have babies
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amother
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Mon, Dec 16 2024, 9:22 pm
Yes, in most schools in Lakewood parents only pay for their own children's tuition, anything above that is a straightforward donation. What's good about this is that nobody can say - my tuition is paying for your child, it's not. I didn't realize what a blessing this was until I came to this site and realize the level of resentment in other communities...
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amother
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Mon, Dec 16 2024, 9:24 pm
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OP- you are resentful to pay tuition to moms who work less, would you be resentful instead if you knew your your tuition was going to foot a huge salary for principal or a brand new marble entryway for the school or wasted on something? We as the lay people don’t know where our money goes and don’t get to question. If we pay more we trust the school that they are using it appropriately if we pay less we trust the school is working in a fair way to help out anyone who needs
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amother
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Mon, Dec 16 2024, 9:32 pm
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I can’t. I get physically sick, like really, really sick. My limit is about 2 weeks and then I’m stuck in bed for 2-3 days. I know, I did for years. Recently I found something that works for me: I cut back. I pay someone to do my laundry and watch my kids one afternoon a week. My husband does the shopping and supper 3 days a week. And I’m finally making it past 2 weeks without getting sick. Yes, my health is worth it.
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amother
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Mon, Dec 16 2024, 9:50 pm
| amother Midnight wrote: | | And for the person who said why do we expect it from the men but not from the women- because this was literally Hashems curse to Adam. Our curse was having babies and child rearing. So of course we expect the men to work hard just as they expect us to have babies |
It's more, we can't give over pregnancy and childbirth to the men, and most of us also can't give over primary responsibility for running the household.
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amother
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Mon, Dec 16 2024, 9:52 pm
| amother Heather wrote: | | The advantage of that is when their youngest is in school they will be making a high salary as opposed to joining the workforce at entry level. Presumably when the youngest is in school they will be making weddings and paying tuitions and still need the money. |
Not all jobs have upward mobility. Working 20 years at a dead end job means ending up with nothing to show for it at all.
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amother
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Mon, Dec 16 2024, 9:53 pm
| amother Scarlet wrote: | | Not all jobs have upward mobility. Working 20 years at a dead end job means ending up with nothing to show for it at all. |
Most ppl don't stay at dead end jobs for 20 years where they get no raises.
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amother
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Mon, Dec 16 2024, 9:54 pm
| amother Heather wrote: | | Most ppl don't stay at dead end jobs for 20 years where they get no raises. |
Because they know they'll have nothing to show for it. But not everyone can find a better job.
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amother
Green
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Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:06 pm
| amother OP wrote: | 1. Because I am dealing with almost everything you listed. Just to start: Special needs kids- plural, family members with health needs. My life isn't fun, easy or perfect. I could go on but don't want to out myself. But yes mental health issues in the family, emotional/verbal abuse too. I could go on.
2. You do it if you have to. I am exhausted. I prioritize my kids over me. There is a lot to do with mindset and willpower and the fact that there is no other choice or you will be the proud owner of the tent in the park. So many people assume they can't. Or they had one bad experience but switching jobs, changing hours etc can make the difference.
Some women never bother to try. Or can't get over the "I need perfectly updated and cleaned homes daily" which is totally a want, not a need. I don't live a fancy life.
Mindset matters. Read up on Carole dwek and growth mindset.
You can increase your capabilities and get "more energy" to do it all |
You're resentful because you believe that if you increase your workload, you'll increase your capabilities.
I tried it.
I didn't want to take.
I pushed myself to work fulltime plus deal with everything you've listed and more.
It worked for 6 months and then my body went on complete strike.
I am now dealing with major health issues and I've had to stop working completely. I've been to so many doctors and they all agree that I overdid it and I must take at least 3 months of complete rest.
Now, instead of just asking for a school fee discount, I can't even put food on the table. I can't even run my own house, I need help with basic self care.
So no, it's not true. You don't "get more energy" just because you make more demands of your body. You should listen to your body when it is feeling over-stretched.
I regret this every minute of the day.
I should not have pushed myself so hard.
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amother
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Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:14 pm
| amother Heather wrote: | | The advantage of that is when their youngest is in school they will be making a high salary as opposed to joining the workforce at entry level. Presumably when the youngest is in school they will be making weddings and paying tuitions and still need the money. |
The above, and people are also forgetting this is Lakewood. The argument that it doesn’t pay to work disappeared many years ago.
Starting salary for a girl out of school with no skills is $25-$30/hour. If you start working when the kids are young in any random office job you’re coming home with a lot after childcare. Speaking from experience as a manager in a Lakewood office, average girls doing accounts payable for 4 years, working 25-30 hours a week, are making in the range of $60K. Not looking to derail the thread but yes, not working in Lakewood is a luxury. There are well paying part time jobs to be had, for those who want it.
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amother
Amethyst
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Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:22 pm
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Just wanted to say that I was a sahm for many years. I never sat around sipping lattes. I drove carpool 5 days a week (sometimes both ways) saving $4000 a year on busing, ran a committee at shul, cooked dinner and meals for people who were sick or kimpeturins. I paid shiva calls and helped others. I volunteered at our school and for a local organization. I did laundry and taught a volunteer class. The only things I did for myself were walking with a friend (healthy and free) and taking an occasional exercise class. I had cleaning help 3 hours per week. I now work 50 hours a week and it’s difficult, certainly more so than when I was in my 20s. I think you do what you have to do. If my family’s income depended on me, I would have worked. I certainly contributed in my way as most sahms do. I think you can do it all, just probably not at the same time.
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Ema of 5
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Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:24 pm
| amother Heather wrote: | | Everyone is different. Some choose to work harder and pay their bills others choose to work less and live in debt. Everyone does what works for them. |
And that is perfectly fine.
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amother
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Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:32 pm
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I want to add, re: long term thinking, that for a lot of women, learning a trade or taking a course would make the most sense in the long term, but then they'd be monsters spending money on something other than tuition.
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amother
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Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:36 pm
| amother Heather wrote: | | The advantage of that is when their youngest is in school they will be making a high salary as opposed to joining the workforce at entry level. Presumably when the youngest is in school they will be making weddings and paying tuitions and still need the money. |
Just so you know, this is not necessarily true. I know women who switched careers in their forties and even later who caught up pretty quickly.
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amother
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Mon, Dec 16 2024, 10:38 pm
| amother Mulberry wrote: | The above, and people are also forgetting this is Lakewood. The argument that it doesn’t pay to work disappeared many years ago.
Starting salary for a girl out of school with no skills is $25-$30/hour. If you start working when the kids are young in any random office job you’re coming home with a lot after childcare. Speaking from experience as a manager in a Lakewood office, average girls doing accounts payable for 4 years, working 25-30 hours a week, are making in the range of $60K. Not looking to derail the thread but yes, not working in Lakewood is a luxury. There are well paying part time jobs to be had, for those who want it. |
25 to 30 hours a week and 40+ hours a week are not even remotely the same thing.
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flowerpower
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Mon, Dec 16 2024, 11:40 pm
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I just want to say that every day there are 1-3 posts about a woman falling apart. Not everyone can manage working full time while running a hectic household. Want me to link 10 threads right now here?
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amother
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Yesterday at 12:09 am
While I personally don't believe in working full time and being a shmatta for your family, I would just love to know who you all think is going to pay for your kids schooling?
I've been on both sides of the coin and I think bottom line is that kids need a functional parent. But I really do want to know, where do people think the school is going to get their money from? Would love to hear a real answer.
For those of you getting sick every 2 weeks, or having a breakdown and taking off for 9 months, I've totally been there. But what did you do so your kids could get a Jewish education?
(In my case my DH got a second job working the whole night on Motzei Shabbos and Sunday night for 3 out of 4 weeks a month - that was how we paid tuition, our school didn't give us the option of just saying, my wife needs her health to take care of our family).
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