Spinoff tuition thre... I am not some magical mythical being

amother

↑ Midnight ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 5:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

Actually I am not lauded or praised. It's with a smug "I could never do that". Or they ask for money and don't work. And say they have never tried to work, don't want to work etc.
I shouldn't have to run myself ragged to pay for you to stay home and relaxingly do your laundry, match socks and cook elaborate dinners. And yes, asking for a tuition discount or community help when you choose to not work is asking money from me. Because my tuition goes up. And I am not given a discount the years we needed it.

So many women assume they can't. But if they tried many really can...

When do you take your kids to therapists (therapist who only work during work hours)?

honey36

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 5:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes, this is not right.

OP, you shouldn't be working so hard. Why does your tuition go up? Why does everyone else get a discount except for you? Is it because you have a higher income? So tell the tuition committee you will quit you job and become unemployed like all the other mother's in your school. Will they give you the discount then?

amother

↑ Heather ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 5:19 pm

amother Scarlet wrote:

A lot of women, if they were working, could not bring in enough money to cover the costs of working, as Lightyellow mentioned. And even those who can, it's not always by much. Should women run themselves ragged to bring in 5-10K a year?

The advantage of that is when their youngest is in school they will be making a high salary as opposed to joining the workforce at entry level. Presumably when the youngest is in school they will be making weddings and paying tuitions and still need the money.

amother

Powderblue

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 5:21 pm

OP. I think it’s important for you to know that we are not here in this world only to pay bills.
G-d had granted us life so that we should enjoy living, build relationships, do chesed, be happy!!
I’m not saying that we should be partying all day and shirking responsibility. What I’m saying is that there is so much more to life than paying bills!
How can it be that you are prioritising paying bills over being happy? Who is telling you that this is what the Torah wants from us? Is this the Judaism that you want to teach your children?

amother

↑ Dustypink ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 5:25 pm

amother OP wrote:

I agree that tuition discounts shouldn't be a given for a non working parents. A set amount should be attributed to a SAHM and Kollel man into the income calculations.

But I still don't agree with your overall perspective. This isn't life. If you can't breathe and be a person and take moments to appreciate everything around you, what the point of being on the hamster wheel. Is it just to keep moving forward until something breaks?.

I get it, I'm doing it myself, but as I mentioned earlier, I'm beginning to take stock and I have lots of regrets. I'm asking myself, what's the point of doing this? And what's the point of promoting this for my children. Are we 'living' just for the sake to get through the day and then pay tuition for my kids to end up repeating the same cycle?

Is that what we are here for? Work and live in a setup that has us merely surviving? Something is very very wrong in this picture and I wish I have an easy answer to solve it. But what I do know is that encouraging everyone else to join the hamster wheel isn't the answer.

amother

↑ Whitewash

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 5:28 pm

amother Powderblue wrote:

Of course it is good to enjoy life; I guess this is the crux of the tuition issue though, if parents can’t afford their kids tuition for school then seemingly they would need to earn more or have less kids, idk. If the wealthy can fund tuitions for those that can’t afford then that would be amazing but doesn’t seem to be happening.

amother

↑ Dustypink

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 5:28 pm

amother Powderblue wrote:

OP.
How can it be that you are prioritising paying bills over being happy? Who is telling you that this is what the Torah wants from us? Is this the Judaism that you want to teach your children?

Exactly. Our children are watching us and absorbing everything around us. If they think this is their future, where do you think they'll end up? If yiddishkeit means running yourself ragged all day with no room to come up for air, why would people find beauty in it.

We have multiple issues in our community. Crazy lifestyles, high tuition, parnossoh problems etc. But pushing everyone to their breaking point isn't going to fix it. It will only break it further.

↑ mummiedearest

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 5:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

You have not answered my question- what is your goal here? I tell you what the impression you give is, and you argue that you are not lauded. That’s not answering anything, really.

We often interpret others’ words using our own projections. It sounds to me like you think your community looks down on you for working and that is the interpretation of these comments. I don’t know what community you are a part of, but I can tell you that I have said similar things to women who look like they have it together. I mean that I am impressed by their abilities, maybe a bit jealous that I’m somewhat less capable , and that I am cheering them on. There is no smugness there. On the flip side, I only learned to appreciate receiving compliments well into adulthood. Until then, they did not sit well with me.

Tuition discounts are something to take up with the school. Find out what the calculation is. You don’t know these women’s circumstances. You do sound jealous/bitter over that. I do think that is a reasonable thing to be. Just realize that more women working may not solve your personal issues at all, and it likely won’t help all of their’s either.

As I said before, there is value in having a serious discussion of working vs. Staying home. This thread is not that.

BaltoMom65

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 5:37 pm

Op, working makes no sense for many mothers in America. Being a SAHM is actually not a higher class choice these days. For many, it makes no financial sense while children are young. I myself homeschooled. People need to do what is best for themselves. As an aside, there is no evidence that those who pay full tuition are subsidizing those who get breaks.

amother

Pistachio ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 5:44 pm

amother Whitewash wrote:

I'm so confused by the tuition crisis.

I'm very uneducated so can someone please explain this to me:

Don't we have free Hebrew/kiruv schools and what-not for secular Jews? Funded by Tzedakah. I'm thinking of one in my community for example - I think it's mostly kids from Russian heritage. They are provided with a free Jewish education and a lot of them become frum and it's very beautiful. And the parents don't pay a penny (or very very small percentage) AFAIK, because they would just send to public school. The school has to beg them to send their kids!

But for kids who are already frum, we can't provide them with a "free" Jewish education, funded by Tzedakah. Is this not what every Jewish child deserves? Sure, parents should still be encouraged to pay tuition, but at the end of the day, if it's a struggle, yes it should be covered by the community!

amother

↑ Heather ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 5:48 pm

BaltoMom65 wrote:

Yes they are covering for ppl who aren't paying. Case in point there were some schools that kept tuition lower and said no breaks for anyone and if worked. But if a lot of ppl are getting breaks schools need to raise tuition to make up for it

amother

↑ Mintgreen ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 5:51 pm

amother Heather wrote:

Maybe for your kids school but for my kids school everyone who asks gets a small discount, and everyone who doesn't get a discount pays only for their own kids. The subsidies are all paid for by donations.

amother

Violet

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 6:01 pm

amother Lightyellow wrote:

Everyone's 'truth' is different. OP manages, and so do many others.

But there is no way I could've worked when I had 5 kids under 6. No way in the world. That is MY truth.

I tried working, I tried working not full time, I tried working from home, I tried being in school…..even now, when I’m not working, I still can’t do it all. BH I have cleaning help, but by the end of the day (just around the time when all my kids are home) I start getting tired and running out of patients.

amother

↑ Pistachio ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 6:02 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

Same for my school.
Don't all the schools have cause-match campaigns, days of giving, dinners, teas to raise money? Where is all that money going?

ETA:, I live in a large OOT community. Maybe this is only a Lakewood problem?

amother

↑ Midnight ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 6:02 pm

OP, I don’t actually think I can and maintain my sanity but even if I actually can I choose not to. Not because I don’t like hard work but because Hashem gave me a baby I carried for 9 months, I choose to spend time with that baby nurturing it and nurturing myself with the connection to that baby. I choose to be a mother who can have time to clean up and maybe even prep dinner before kids come home. I choose to be that Mom who is not always harried and stressed. I choose to be a Mom whose main goal isn’t money.
I also choose to not be able to pay full tuition (throw tomatoes), but I do hope to be able to pay as much as I can to the schools when my kids are older. I choose to not be able to pay my bills sometimes. I choose to learn and believe that money is from Hashem and I can’t control it by being harried and stressed. I choose to live in the moment with my kids and my life.

amother

↑ Lightyellow

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 6:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

I am not a magical mythical being.
I am human.
Yes it is possible to work full time as a mom, take care of kids, take care of our apartment, manage appointments, and do laundry.
I am tired of people telling me "good for you but I could never do that..." or "there is no way I could do without... (something not necessary but therefore can't work)". Or "you are superhuman".
No I am not. I am struggling and I don't have an option.

So I don't socialize. I don't do fun activities, go to evening events, or exercise formally. I use my evenings to cook, do laundry, homework, sweep etc.
I teach my kids to help.
My apartment isn't fancy. Isn't decorated. Isn't neatly organized.

But I do it because tuition has to be paid and my kids have to eat and I have to pay rent.

If it is important to you, you do it. (I am not talking about true medical issues that prevent working. But normal stressed moms who dont work).
I don't want to be evicted. I don't want my kids to not have food.
So many women don't realize their strength and that they can do more than they expect. That they can work.

Why don't you stop working or cut down your hours and ask for a tuition break?

Ema of 5 ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 6:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

1. Because I am dealing with almost everything you listed. Just to start: Special needs kids- plural, family members with health needs. My life isn't fun, easy or perfect. I could go on but don't want to out myself. But yes mental health issues in the family, emotional/verbal abuse too. I could go on.
2. You do it if you have to. I am exhausted. I prioritize my kids over me. There is a lot to do with mindset and willpower and the fact that there is no other choice or you will be the proud owner of the tent in the park. So many people assume they can't. Or they had one bad experience but switching jobs, changing hours etc can make the difference.

Some women never bother to try. Or can't get over the "I need perfectly updated and cleaned homes daily" which is totally a want, not a need. I don't live a fancy life.
Mindset matters. Read up on Carole dwek and growth mindset.
You can increase your capabilities and get "more energy" to do it all

Some people would break if they had to do it all. Is that better?
The only mindset here that needs to change is yours. Why do you feel the need to judge others?

amother

↑ Heather ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 6:10 pm

amother Midnight wrote:

Does your husband earn a high salary? Can you afford food and clothes for your kids? Camp?