When you or DH have a past

mha3484 ↓

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 5:50 pm

I don't want to post this in the BT and Geirim forum because I think it applies to a wider range of women then that. As my oldest is getting into the teen years, I find myself trying to find the right balance of not glorifying my past but also not pretending I never did anything wrong. My own mother was pretty wild as a teenager and then when we asked her about it as teens she faked ignorance and I remember feeling like she was lying and I did not like it. But I also don't want my kids to copy some of my dumber life moments either.

When my oldest started bar mitzvahs we talked about drinking and I made a comment about how nothing good in life comes from hard liquor on an empty stomach and he wanted to know how I knew that and I kind of glossed over it. Then recently he asked if I drank as a teenager. Technically no that was more of a college thing but I just found myself not sure what I want to say. I would love to hear how others discuss this with their teens.

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 5:57 pm

Im MO FFB. Was a goody too shoes.
My gusband is a MO BT in his teens. He has an active past. He shares things. His rabbi even told him that its so important to nrver forget where you came from. And its fine. The children know that daddy grew up differently than we are living. They know it. They fully get it. Thats it.

amother

DarkMagenta

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 6:06 pm

mha3484 wrote:

I'm a BT. I partied very hard! But it was totally normal and acceptable for the circles I was in. I went to parties starting at 15. I become frum around 20, got serious about around 21 but I still went out and drank until I was 23. I don't feel the need to share details with my children. Why would I? They don't need to know details. They will put the dots together on their own since I'm a BT. If my children questioned me I would provide honest answers with very little details. It's the same thing with yiddishkiet. I'm not giving the blow by blow about all of the trief food I once we enjoyed and (still!) Kind of miss lol.

amother

Clover

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 6:09 pm

I share only what serves a purpose. I don't casually speak about my wild past. I'd be more inclined to speak about my use of alcohol and experimentation with drugs then my promiscuous behavior. I hope there will never be anything going on in their lives that I feel sharing those stories will somehow help them make better decisions.

amother

White

Mon, Dec 16 2024, 6:16 pm

My dh sometimes shares stories about his smoking days in yeshivah. I shush him because my son is listening. But he claims sons should know about their father’s history and learn from the good AND the bad. He also claims that our son will one day benefit from knowing his father used to smoke, an$ worked hard to quit. It’s out in the open. Let’s see.

We don’t preach about how horrible it is every time it comes up. Kids see right through that.