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Forum
-> Parenting our children
amother
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 Today at 10:50 am
I'd love to hear your POV as a parent re: your teen's safety when getting rides from other parents
DD had a school Yom Iyun and an early end. I was doing carpool pickup, which includes DD and two girls in my neighborhood. There are 3 seats in the back of my car, but when I arrived, 5 girls piled into the back seat - one extra girl in the area (whose mother chooses not to carpool, and tells her to "get a ride") plus two friends who were going to her house.
I expressed my discomfort with the lack of safety and it being against the law and asked two girls to please leave the car. I'm told by DD that "everyone does this" and I was embarrassing.
I'd like to know your POV as a parent. Are you aware that your daughter "getting rides" may actually be compromising her safety (and everyone else in that car) plus putting a parent in a difficult position with her teen (not your problem, I know, but just putting it out there)? Do you actually think this is "no big deal" or did you just not know this is what happens when you don't make plans for bringing your teen home? What would you do if ch'v there was an accident and your teen was hurt in this situation?
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amother
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Today at 12:07 pm
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My teen knows better. I'd ground her forever if she got into a car that has more people than seatbelts. Also, her teen friends can't drive her. Only adult parents (older sibs not allowed). Yes, I'm strict but I also want her alive and well. She's learning to drive herself right now and is all about following the rules so she is safe too. It's definitely not the norm to care so much but that's how we are.
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amother
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Today at 12:10 pm
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That’s horrible. I’d have kicked them out too. Parents need to parent! Teach your kid good choices, or/ and work a little harder setting them up with arrangements.
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amother
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Today at 12:12 pm
Come on. Mandatory seatbelts for back seats are pretty new.
How long would they have been in the car for? 5 minutes?
I doubt they would be belting themselves even if it was only 3 girls.
What do you think people do in cabs in Monsey?
You do what you gotta do.
I think you were being nitty gritty and making it into a bigger deal than it is.
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amother
Pear
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Today at 12:16 pm
I wouldn't allow that either, unless maybe I was rescuing them from a terrible emergency.
But I'm that mom and I don't care.
I've told my kids frequently that even if nobody else in the car is wearing a seatbelt they must put theirs on and be a good example.
I'm very proud of DD who refused a ride from a teen friend because she was not comfortable with how that friend drove.
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amother
Blueberry
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Today at 12:16 pm
| amother Lightpink wrote: | | My teen knows better. I'd ground her forever if she got into a car that has more people than seatbelts. Also, her teen friends can't drive her. Only adult parents (older sibs not allowed). Yes, I'm strict but I also want her alive and well. She's learning to drive herself right now and is all about following the rules so she is safe too. It's definitely not the norm to care so much but that's how we are. |
You’d ground her forever?
What does that mean?
Personally I don’t like it. And my kids know to try to not make it happen. But if it does happen on the rare occurrences we’ll double buckle. I’d rather do that than leave the kids stranded.
Safety is confusing. Is it safer to leave kids stranded 1 am in a deserted area. I had this recently.
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amother
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Today at 12:17 pm
| amother Nasturtium wrote: | Come on. Mandatory seatbelts for back seats are pretty new.
How long would they have been in the car for? 5 minutes?
I doubt they would be belting themselves even if it was only 3 girls.
What do you think people do in cabs in Monsey?
You do what you gotta do.
I think you were being nitty gritty and making it into a bigger deal than it is. |
I guess you are that problematic parent
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amother
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Today at 12:18 pm
| amother Nasturtium wrote: | Come on. Mandatory seatbelts for back seats are pretty new.
How long would they have been in the car for? 5 minutes?
I doubt they would be belting themselves even if it was only 3 girls.
What do you think people do in cabs in Monsey?
You do what you gotta do.
I think you were being nitty gritty and making it into a bigger deal than it is. |
Huh?? I live in Monsey and would never agree to this. I don't move my car until every child is seatbelted. If there is no room in the car, then we apologetically tell others than we don't have room for them.
Safety is first and foremost. Doing what you gotta do in this scenario is telling some kids to find a different ride. If there is no other ride available, do two shifts.
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amother
Dimgray
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Today at 12:20 pm
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The marginal risk of driving without a seatbelt adds up to a smaller risk than driving twice as long. Do you minimize your driving time?
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amother
NeonBlue
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Today at 12:23 pm
| amother Nasturtium wrote: | Come on. Mandatory seatbelts for back seats are pretty new.
How long would they have been in the car for? 5 minutes?
I doubt they would be belting themselves even if it was only 3 girls.
What do you think people do in cabs in Monsey?
You do what you gotta do.
I think you were being nitty gritty and making it into a bigger deal than it is. |
Mandatory seat belts became a thing for a reason!
I work in the medical field. There's a real reason for it!
My teen knows I wouldn't allow it and she would tell her friends.
She usually asks how many people I have room for (varies if I have other kids with me) and reports back to her friends "3 of you can come" or whatever the # is
I hear that your daughter was embarrassed in the moment but it's worthwhile to have a conversation with her about it. Regardless of what other parents do, you're not comfortable with it and if she doesn't want to be embarrassed again then she shouldn't tell her friends they can get a ride if it's more than fits in the car safely. Give her the responsibility to avoid the uncomfortable, unsafe situation in the future
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amother
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Today at 12:24 pm
| amother Nasturtium wrote: | Come on. Mandatory seatbelts for back seats are pretty new.
How long would they have been in the car for? 5 minutes?
I doubt they would be belting themselves even if it was only 3 girls.
What do you think people do in cabs in Monsey?
You do what you gotta do.
I think you were being nitty gritty and making it into a bigger deal than it is. |
With the insane local traffic going on, about 40 minutes, actually (even though really it's only a 15 minute drive).
I don't really care about cabs in Monsey. I don't think I was being nitty gritty, but thank you for giving me insight into how these teens got to be how they are.....I guess what you gotta do is, make people like me feel like idiots for caring about safety and the law.....in order that you not shlep out to pick up your kid.
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amother
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Today at 12:27 pm
| amother NeonBlue wrote: | Mandatory seat belts became a thing for a reason!
I work in the medical field. There's a real reason for it!
My teen knows I wouldn't allow it and she would tell her friends.
She usually asks how many people I have room for (varies if I have other kids with me) and reports back to her friends "3 of you can come" or whatever the # is
I hear that your daughter was embarrassed in the moment but it's worthwhile to have a conversation with her about it. Regardless of what other parents do, you're not comfortable with it and if she doesn't want to be embarrassed again then she shouldn't tell her friends they can get a ride if it's more than fits in the car safely. Give her the responsibility to avoid the uncomfortable, unsafe situation in the future |
You better believe I had a conversation with her. She claims that only one girl asked for a ride (which we had room for) and she didn't realize there were two others coming to that girl's house. But that kids do this all the time. And once it happened she was embarrassed to speak up. And that I embarrassed her (which I didn't back down from, and told her that's what's going to happen if you don't prevent this situation in the first place.) I told her next time someone asks for a ride, ask for how many people. Tell them we have only one spot on top of the regular carpool.
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amother
Acacia
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Today at 12:35 pm
She needs to say there’s no room sorry she put you on the spot did she expect you to just say whatever
I once went to a camp reunion Shabbos and we were told dw there will be rides for from the bus to the place we were staying never did I imagine we would alllll cram into a car 15-20 girls squished in the seats in the trunk standing sitting on laps I was so upset and davening all way there that we shouldn’t get into an accident.
I learnt my lesson ask before
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amother
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Today at 12:37 pm
| amother OP wrote: | With the insane local traffic going on, about 40 minutes, actually (even though really it's only a 15 minute drive).
I don't really care about cabs in Monsey. I don't think I was being nitty gritty, but thank you for giving me insight into how these teens got to be how they are.....I guess what you gotta do is, make people like me feel like idiots for caring about safety and the law.....in order that you not shlep out to pick up your kid. |
Defensive much? I'm usually the one doing carpool for my teens. I don't have babies so I try to volunteer when I can so mothers with babies don't need to juggle it.
I would rather offer to do two shifts (if my time allows), then squeeze kids into a car like this. Statistics show that majority of accidents happen close to home and I would never take the risk.
It's not so much the law that I'm worried about. It's safety. It's the lives of the kids. Even if it works out 99 times, 1 time is all it takes for a disaster.
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amother
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Today at 12:58 pm
| amother Blueberry wrote: | You’d ground her forever?
What does that mean?
Personally I don’t like it. And my kids know to try to not make it happen. But if it does happen on the rare occurrences we’ll double buckle. I’d rather do that than leave the kids stranded.
Safety is confusing. Is it safer to leave kids stranded 1 am in a deserted area. I had this recently. |
It means I'll cancel her new car that I ordered. And take away her cell phone. And cut off her credit card. Ground her forever is my way of expressing that I would teach her a very serious lesson. Safety isn't confusing. If a child is alone at 1am in a deserted area, her parents and the other adults in her life have failed her. Why would her friends leave her alone at 1am?! Who drove everyone else away and didn't split the kids between two cars - even if the second car was a cab? Safety shouldn't be complicated. Don't. Do. Stupid. Things. See? Simple.
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amother
Gardenia
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Today at 1:23 pm
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I used to pick up my sons from yeshiva on Fridays (no carpool). A bunch of boys asked for a ride. I said only as many seats. When they tried to convince me more boys than seatbelts were OK, I said I wasn't driving until people got out. I think they realized I was serious and a few guys got out.
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amother
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Today at 2:32 pm
| amother OP wrote: | With the insane local traffic going on, about 40 minutes, actually (even though really it's only a 15 minute drive).
I don't really care about cabs in Monsey. I don't think I was being nitty gritty, but thank you for giving me insight into how these teens got to be how they are.....I guess what you gotta do is, make people like me feel like idiots for caring about safety and the law.....in order that you not shlep out to pick up your kid. |
So the traffic is insane and a fatal crash is somehow supposed to happen?
We're talking about teens here. Not little children.
If cabs don't need seatbelts in the back seats or car seats for local traffic, I think you're being paranoid.
Did your mom never drive a full ride when you were a kid?
It's one thing if you're taking a highway, but local heavy traffic? That's exaggerating.
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amother
Geranium
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Today at 2:36 pm
| amother Darkblue wrote: | Huh?? I live in Monsey and would never agree to this. I don't move my car until every child is seatbelted. If there is no room in the car, then we apologetically tell others than we don't have room for them.
Safety is first and foremost. Doing what you gotta do in this scenario is telling some kids to find a different ride. If there is no other ride available, do two shifts. |
You make teenagers buckle up? Seriously? In the back seat?
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amother
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Today at 2:38 pm
| amother Geranium wrote: | | You make teenagers buckle up? Seriously? In the back seat? |
Of course. Adults too. I don't drive until every passenger is buckled in.
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amother
Sunflower
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Today at 2:47 pm
Our carpools are a few blocks max 5-10 minutes of driving on local streets so yes I frequently double buckle.
But my kids have manners, if a mother told them there’s no room they wouldn’t try negotiating they would call me or ask someone else.
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