Im horrified! Ds read private letter!

amother

OP ↓

Yesterday at 11:05 pm

Ladies, I need help how to handle this situation.

Few weeks ago, my husb and I had big fight. I was Soo mad at him, that I sat down to write a heartfelt letter with all my emotions, anger, resentment towards him. I wrote everything where I felt he was wrong. How he treated me etc.. lots of personal details in the letter. Bh now the fight is over, and we love each other's again, we basically have a great marriage bh, but this was just a normal marital issue that spiraled a bit out of control , prob due to the fact that I'm pregnant and very sensitive and hormonal. I took the letter I wrote and hid it. Don't ask me why I didn't tear it up!
Anyway, my 15 year old son was looking for something all over and believe it or not, he found this letter. I literally don't know what to do with myself now. I would never ever want him to know all these intricate details of my marriage. Obviously the letter had some harsh comments and angry words. Everything was out in the open here. There's no way he would have ever known of these fights between dh and I, if not for this letter. We do argue in public sometimes but try to be very careful around kids.
What do I do now??? I don't want him to think of my marriage the way the letter put it down. I don't want him to think of dh the way I wrote in the letter either.
I want him to respect dh and myself and always know that we love each other's.

WhatFor

Yesterday at 11:16 pm

This offers multiple learning opportunities.

1. Either you or your son need to learn better boundaries. Meaning, either you put this in a public place (which I assume not), or DS was looking someplace he shouldn't have been. In which case, he needs to be told that he shouldn't be sticking his hands and nose where they don't belong.

2. There's nothing wrong with your DS knowing that you and DH get into serious disagreements but learn how to resolve them and your relationship survives. It should be helpful for him going into a relationship. Too many people go into marriage thinking it will be all roses and gravy with no idea that the nicest looking relationships can take lots of work.

I'm curious how you know that he found it though. You saw him or he told you? Because if he asked you, that gives me more of those vibes that he needs to learn about boundaries.

amother

↑ OP

Today at 12:17 am

WhatFor wrote:

That's definitely an issue that he needs to keep his nose out of my stuff, but it's irrelevant for now. Dh hid something from him for very valid reason and he was looking for it in territories that don't belong to him. It was very well hidden.
I know about it, Bec he told me, when dh will give him back his item, he will give me back the papers he found. ( Which he didn't even take. He just had to let me know he saw it)
I know that was real chutzpah, but that's for another topic. Now im concerned about what he read in the letter. And although I know it's ok for kids to know about the ups and downs in marriage, I still think this letter was wayyyy wayyy too much. Too many personal details. He doesn't need to know that. I feel horrible that he read all that.

amother

Honeydew

Today at 12:25 am

amother OP wrote:

You and your dh, both, should have a stern talk to him about this chutzpah and violation of privacy so that ds can't use the contents of this letter to blackmail you in the future or to drive a wedge between you and your dh. That's the danger I foresee in a kid that's already trying to use the letter to get his item back. If you trust your dh enough, get him on board, tell him what happened without going into the details in the letter.

amother

Clematis ↓

Today at 12:56 am

amother Honeydew wrote:

This really isn’t the point right now though. OP just likely traumatized her son, now is not the time to be focusing on his bad behavior. She should address it absolutely, but as another poster said damage control needs to be happen first

amother

DarkKhaki ↓

Today at 1:03 am

amother OP wrote:

I think you have bigger issues than the letter. I’d honestly just move on from it. It is what it is. But his level of chutzpah and crossing these red lines are concerning. Going into your private spaces, threatening you, using your stuff against you… I’d personally get a teen parenting expert involved.

amother

↑ Dill

Today at 1:19 am

amother Clematis wrote:

No. She did not. Her son traumatized himself by reading something private that was in a personal space he knew he shouldn't be in.

When I was a kid I asked my mother something. She answered in way too much detail, and I never asked her anything again.

I'm sure that was not my mother's intention ftr, but it was what happened nonetheless.

amother

↑ Clematis

Today at 1:22 am

amother Dill wrote:

So you asked your mother a question, her answer traumatized you and you never asked her anything again. Regardless of whose fault that was (um, your mother?) the end result was the same- you were traumatized and stopped asking her questions

It doesn’t matter who’s at fault here, OPs son read the letter and now both of them will be dealing with the fallout

amother

NeonOrange

Today at 1:25 am

You have no choice. You need to sit down with him, explain the situation openly and honestly. Let him know that you and Totty have a close and loving relationship, but like many people, disagreements happen. Share that, in order to process your feelings, you needed to vent and write them down. Make it clear that this was a private exercise, not meant for anyone else to read, and it’s not how married couples typically interact on a regular basis. Reassure him that you and Totty resolved the issue right away and are in a good place now.

amother

Oldlace ↓

Today at 1:37 am

amother Clematis wrote:

No, her son did something he knew was wrong and ended up traumatized.

OP I would tell your son, "You read a private letter. You are no longer welcome in my room and you will be grounded next time we discover that you were in there - even if we find out two months later. I will not answer any questions on what you read and neither will Tatty, because that was between the two of us and it is not your business. You already have information that you shouldn't have and we're not adding to it, and that's final. Your punishment for looking in my room for your object is ___________. When we put something in our room, or when we take something from you in general, you do not dig in our private belongings to find it. Additionally, using what you read to try to force us to give you what you want (unless I misunderstood OP) is essentially blackmail, and we will not stand for it."

Say this together with your DH, if possible with his arm on your shoulder (my therapist told me it sends a message of "we are together and you're not going to get between us") and then have him pipe up and say that whatever DS read does not affect that the two of you love each other and support each other, and you will not be used by him to hurt each other.

Lots of people are going to disagree with me on this, this is what we did in similar situations.

We did not discuss the letter because DS would have been completely sidetracked by that discussion and then used it as "proof" that we were so far in the wrong that his act of violating our privacy is a nonissue. We discussed the contents of the letter months later after we felt that the core lesson of "do not dig in other people's private belongings and do not read that which is not yours" was understood, and when DS was calmer and no longer had a stake in it (the object had been returned or was no longer relevant).

DrMom

Today at 1:37 am

amother OP wrote:

So your son rifled through your personal belongings, read mail that wasn't addressed to him, and is using it to blackmail you?

He's totally out of control. I'd worry less about him being traumatized and more about this behavior.

amother

Peach

Today at 1:40 am

There are so many layers here, the letter is only one of them.

Why was your husband hiding stuff?
If something is off limits, your son should respect that at his age and not turn the house over looking for it.

If he found papers, he shouldn't read them.
If he read them, he definitely shouldn't be hiding them from you as "revenge".

The contents of the letter are a small item compared to what is clearly a teenager going in a direction that is quite frankly worrying.

amother

↑ Oldlace ↓

Today at 2:00 am

amother Peach wrote:

Agreed.

One caveat, I was much more worried about my DS who did similar before we discovered that he is HFASD. Very very high-functioning. Had been previously diagnosed with ODD, DMDD, and similar. Turns out to be HFASD. He's not being oppositional or manipulative on purpose, he just misses major social cues and doesn't understand - or misunderstands - social rules. Also why we have to be very clear about the rule itself and not mix in the contents of the letter. He can't understand both if they are presented together. One, and then much later, the other.

He also didn't see it as "revenge" on us, rather on "you did to me so I do to you as you did to me, if you can do it why can't I do the same" - I.e. completely nonexistent social hierarchy. (Social hierarchy = parents can confiscate children's items but children may not do the same to parents; parents can say "you can have chocolate after you are in pajamas" but children cannot tell parents "you can have your letter back after you give me what you took from me").

Also why can't he read papers if you didn't tell him he couldn't? You never said he couldn't so it's not a problem.

Etc.

ALL of it turned out to be a result of HFASD and when we stopped looking at it as intentional manipulation and started seeing it as completely missing social rules, and then explained the social rules without judgement, things started getting better. (When we explained social rules and he took it well and explained his misunderstanding we gave a symbolic consequence, nothing more, and said "now you understand, next time there will be severe consequences." If he kept insisting that he is right then we just slapped on the regular consequences. Because if you don't want to learn/ refuse to learn/ insist you are right - then we'll treat you as if you understood.)