What's reasonable re 14yr old babysitting

amother

OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:40 pm

I'm new to this stage as this is my oldest dc. I'm trying to figure out what's fair to expect of her. Can I ask her to "babysit" for about an hour to an hour and a half once every other week. The reason I put babysit in quotes is because it would be at night and all my other kids are in bed. She doesn't have to do a thing. She can shower, talk on the phone, have a neighbor over. I'm really chilled. My kids almost never wake up before midnight. I also have a box of chocolates that I'd let her take from while I'm out.
Is this Ok? Or asking too much?

amother

Slategray

Yesterday at 9:47 pm

100% normal even for it to be 2-3 hours. Definitely don’t abuse the system but, every 2 weeks, or every so often even every week. Especially when all the kids are sleeping and she just gets the house to herself, is perfectly normal. If you’re going out with DH to eat then maybe bring her back some leftovers or an appetizer or drink or dessert etc. (not every time but here and there to make her feel special and to show you appreciate it)

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:48 pm

I try not to ask her to do too much childcare unless I know it's something she likes to do, like bathe my toddler, or something she offers to do. At first, she seemed ok with this arrangement but lately she's been protesting sometimes so I was wondering if I'm being unreasonable.

amother

↑ Bergamot ↓

Yesterday at 9:51 pm

If you hardly ask your teens to help out then they will protest a lot. It’s not normal for them to only do super fun easy jobs. It’s ok for them to push their limits a bit. And sitting at home doing whatever she’d normally be doing, not sure why she’s protesting. You need to change the whole dynamic.

teachkids

Yesterday at 9:52 pm

Can you be flexible with which night? Let her choose which night is good for her to babysit. And definitely some sort of reward for it.

amother

Taupe

Yesterday at 9:53 pm

Did you ask her why?

Is she afraid to be home by herself, or she had other plans, or she wants to go with you, or something else?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 9:54 pm

amother Bergamot wrote:

She does help in other areas, not tons, but I do ask her to do things for the family like set the table, cut up vegetables for salad, etc. I meant specifically in the area of childcare, I don't ask for much. I grew up in a very big family and had way too much responsiblity for younger kids from way too young an age. So I'm careful not to burden my kids with their younger siblings.

amother

↑ Bergamot

Yesterday at 9:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

The other extreme is not healthy either.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 10:03 pm

amother Taupe wrote:

Did you ask her why?

Is she afraid to be home by herself, or she had other plans, or she wants to go with you, or something else?

She's bored, I think. Some nights she follows me around and shmoozes with me.

amother

↑ OP

Yesterday at 10:11 pm

amother Bergamot wrote:

The other extreme is not healthy either.

I hear you. I'm finding my balance.

I'm sure it wasn't normal that I came home from school in 9th grade and there was no supper planned for a houseful of little kids so I had to pull something togather myself for them. And bathe them and put them to bed otherwise there'd be toddlers running around til 9 or 10pm when they passed out on the couch. And do homework with my little siblings. And plenty more, I won't bore you with the details.

I was very resentful and couldn't help thinking that I wasn't the one who chose to have these kids so why am I responsible for them. I don't want my older kids to resent their younger siblings. While I find my path, I'd rather err on the side of caution.