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Forum
-> Working Women
amother
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 Today at 9:54 am
Ok this is embarrassing and I've never told a soul. When I was 18 I worked in a corporate completely non Jewish environment with all men. I was a sheltered frum bais yaakov girl. My co workers often discussed inappropriate websites and my curiosity got the better of me and I started watching por*. It lasted about a few months before I stopped. One terrible thing happened that I've been thinking alot about lately. (It's 27 years later now...) one night I was giving my 4 years old brother a bath and curiosity got the better of me from what I had been watching and I put his _____ in my mouth for a second to see what it felt like. I don't think he really realized what happened and I think the shock of what I just did may have been the catalyst to stop watching cold turkey.
So there I said it. It's been bothering me alot lately. How do I do teshuva for this? I can not ask my brother forgiveness (hes currently married with 4 kids).
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amother
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Today at 9:56 am
Oy, you molested your brother.
I don't know what the proper teshuva for this is. Would you be open to discussing it with a Rav or mentor, maybe without sharing all details?
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amother
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Today at 10:15 am
| amother NeonYellow wrote: | Oy, you molested your brother.
I don't know what the proper teshuva for this is. Would you be open to discussing it with a Rav or mentor, maybe without sharing all details? |
Not really. Maybe anonymously over the phone?? Wouldn't know how to go about this.
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amother
Dahlia
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Today at 10:18 am
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You need the right Guidance for yourself to move on and yes you do owe your brother some form of apology you don't know what effect you left on him and if he suffered alone emotionally his whole life for what you did to him
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amother
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Today at 10:20 am
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You've moved on and never repeated your mistake. You've done teshuva.
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amother
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Today at 10:20 am
| amother Dahlia wrote: | | You need the right Guidance for yourself to move on and yes you do owe your brother some form of apology you don't know what effect you left on him and if he suffered alone emotionally his whole life for what you did to him |
Woke
Op Don't let anyone convince you to share this with your brother. He was too young to remember please don't create tension
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amother
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Today at 10:21 am
| amother Pewter wrote: | | You've moved on and never repeated your mistake. You've done teshuva. |
This is not proper teshuva according to halacha.
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amother
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Today at 10:24 am
| amother Pewter wrote: | Woke
Op Don't let anyone convince you to share this with your brother. He was too young to remember please don't create tension |
He may or may not remember, and even if he doesn't, it may or may not still have an effect on him. And if it did affect him, he may or may not benefit from an apology. This isn't something you can decide or OP should decide on her own. Hopefully OP can find a professional and a rav to speak to.
It's not woke to say she should apologize. Teshuva for something against another person involves asking their mechila.
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amother
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Today at 10:26 am
| amother Periwinkle wrote: | He may or may not remember, and even if he doesn't, it may or may not still have an effect on him. And if it did affect him, he may or may not benefit from an apology. This isn't something you can decide or OP should decide on her own. Hopefully OP can find a professional and a rav to speak to.
It's not woke to say she should apologize. Teshuva for something against another person involves asking their mechila. |
But I wonder what would be the benefit of telling him at this point? It may do more harm than good.
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amother
Wine
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Today at 10:26 am
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The first free p-rn sites didn’t start until the late 90s-early 2000s. Story doesn’t add up.
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amother
Honeysuckle
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Today at 10:27 am
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Imagine if OP’s brother is absolutely fine and has no recollection of the incident. Imagine the havoc it might wreak if OP goes and apologizes for this. It might suddenly give him issues he never had, cause problems in his marriage. All in the name of making OP feel better. I see that as a very unwise and selfish move.
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amother
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Today at 10:28 am
| amother NeonYellow wrote: | | But I wonder what would be the benefit of telling him at this point? It may do more harm than good. |
Maybe. But that's not for me or you to decide.
Maybe the right rav would be able to speak to the brother or the brother's rav/rebbe and try to determine if it would be helpful, without directly telling what happened.
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amother
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Today at 10:29 am
[quote="amother Wine"]The first free p-rn sites didn’t start until the late 90s-early 2000s. Story doesn’t add up.[/quote
This was in 1998.
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amother
Maroon
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Today at 10:31 am
I'm no rav but the Torah gives up clear guidance for teshuva go 3 steps. Sometimes it's the simplest things that are overlooked. You need to regret it sincerely, stop doing it, and take upon yourself something for the future. Talk to Hashem, tell him how you feel and ask him for forgiveness. We don't need to do confessions in booths, we have direct access.
If you want maybe tell a rav that you did something in your past that you don't feel comfortable sharing and you want to know how to do teshuva.
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amother
Orange
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Today at 10:35 am
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It's probably a serious shailah if your supposed to ask mechila, if doing so will cause the person more pain.
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amother
Ballota
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Today at 10:35 am
This happened to me when I was about 10. A teacher exposed a private part to me. I told my mother, who spoke to the other parents who also hired this teacher, and he was fired. At the time, we didn't realize that it was S* abuse, we just saw it as rude behaviour, and we giggled about it.
As adults, we realised what it was all about, but I think had it been made into a 'thing' it would've made it into a big deal for nothing.
The teacher was fired, there was no need to bring it up again.
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amother
Clear
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Today at 10:36 am
| amother Wine wrote: | | The first free p-rn sites didn’t start until the late 90s-early 2000s. Story doesn’t add up. |
How doesn’t it add up? So it happened 25 years ago…
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amother
Calendula
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Today at 10:36 am
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Don’t bring it up, you may make it worse for him
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amother
Hosta
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Today at 11:34 am
| amother OP wrote: | Ok this is embarrassing and I've never told a soul. When I was 18 I worked in a corporate completely non Jewish environment with all men. I was a sheltered frum bais yaakov girl. My co workers often discussed inappropriate websites and my curiosity got the better of me and I started watching por*. It lasted about a few months before I stopped. One terrible thing happened that I've been thinking alot about lately. (It's 27 years later now...) one night I was giving my 4 years old brother a bath and curiosity got the better of me from what I had been watching and I put his _____ in my mouth for a second to see what it felt like. I don't think he really realized what happened and I think the shock of what I just did may have been the catalyst to stop watching cold turkey.
So there I said it. It's been bothering me alot lately. How do I do teshuva for this? I can not ask my brother forgiveness (hes currently married with 4 kids). |
This is a painful story all around. No advise other than I'm sorry this happened to both of you.
It's a sensitive topic and an opology should only be done if it will be helpful for him.
I was groomed and abused and it would be hugely helpful to get an apology.
But this is different because there was no grooming or mind games here. Just curiosity and exploration. (Still not ok)
Maybe posters who've experienced this can chime in what would be helpful.
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amother
Seashell
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Today at 11:41 am
Honestly I wouldn't worry about the teshuva part. You need to seek help for yourself so you can work through the shame and guilt over this. Once you do that you can feel more clear on what to do regarding your brother, if anything.
IFS might be a good modality for this
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