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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
amother
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 Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:12 pm
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DD is 16 isn’t rebellious type at all and recently asked if she can have a bf. Will saying no make her rebel and do it either way, so I should just give in? Thoughts
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kenz
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:17 pm
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Does she have him already, in which case she will just start sneaking around if you say no, or does she plan to go out looking for one? Neither is a great option but your approach should vary greatly depending on the answer.
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erm
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:21 pm
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Do most of the girls in her class have boyfriends? is she is a coed school?
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amother
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:22 pm
| kenz wrote: | | Does she have him already, in which case she will just start sneaking around if you say no, or does she plan to go out looking for one? Neither is a great option but your approach should vary greatly depending on the answer. |
She doesn’t have one yet. She wanted to ask our permission before doing anything she shouldn’t which I appreciate so much. She is very pretty and constantly guys are asking for her number etc so she might have gotten the idea from that. We live oot and my friends w sons her age all tell me how all the guys like her so it prob stemmed from that a bit. I’m honestly torn like I grew up MO and had a bf growing up (I was such a nerd we broke up Bec my grades were down 😂) but now we are more to the right and idk how it’ll affect the trajectory for her
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amother
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:23 pm
| erm wrote: | | Do most of the girls in her class have boyfriends? is she is a coed school? |
I don’t think so maybe a couple and no she isn’t in a coed school.
We live oot so the school ranges from girls who wear pants (not Bec they are rebellious but Bec they mo) to girls who have flip phones and wear knee socks
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amother
Emerald
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:23 pm
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amother
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:24 pm
How does that work ? She actually came to you and asked if you let her have a boyfriend?
Like a shidduch and your supposed to find her one?
Op I don't think she meant the question really to get your permission...she must know someone or be on the look out and she's trying to feel you out.
Time for some important conversations. Sx Ed, protective sx, etc person safety...
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amother
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:25 pm
| amother Cyclamen wrote: | How does that work ? She actually came to you and asked if you let her have a boyfriend?
Like a shidduch and your supposed to find her one?
Op I don't think she meant the question really to get your permission...she must know someone or be on the look out and she's trying to feel you out.
Time for some important conversations. Sx Ed, protective sx, etc person safety... |
Yep she did. she has friends who are guys maybe that. She would never be thinking abt sx she’s not at all rebelliosu. She’s very frum always makes us rush home from things if it’s getting too close to shkiah so idk where this is all coming from
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amother
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:27 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | She doesn’t have one yet. She wanted to ask our permission before doing anything she shouldn’t which I appreciate so much. She is very pretty and constantly guys are asking for her number etc so she might have gotten the idea from that. We live oot and my friends w sons her age all tell me how all the guys like her so it prob stemmed from that a bit. I’m honestly torn like I grew up MO and had a bf growing up (I was such a nerd we broke up Bec my grades were down 😂) but now we are more to the right and idk how it’ll affect the trajectory for her |
Sounds like you need to figure out what your values/standards are.
How can we on Imamother help without knowing you??
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amother
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:29 pm
| amother Bluebell wrote: | Sounds like you need to figure out what your values/standards are.
How can we on Imamother help without knowing you?? |
I’m just new to having a teenager so wanna know how common this is in by circles and if ppl do let there kids have bf/gf?
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ddmom
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:30 pm
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Does she want to go to seminary after high to school?
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amother
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:31 pm
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Explain why you think it’s a bad idea.
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amother
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:32 pm
| ddmom wrote: | | Does she want to go to seminary after high to school? |
Yes she’s a very frum reg by girl. She davens twice a day. Not at all rebellious. She’s been getting a lot of attention from boys lately and it’s gotten to her. Would allowing her to have the bf not get her into the sem she wants to go to?
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amother
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:32 pm
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If she’s going to no matter what, at least make rules around it. For example no staying out past X time, etc.
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sequoia
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:33 pm
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Does she want to date one of her guy friends that you know?
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amother
Hyacinth
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:33 pm
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I think it's time for a haskafic conversation on why you don't want her to have a bf..or at least what the risks are. Are you are letting her decide or telling her you don't approve? I think you can say this is not what you want for her bec it comes with all these kinds of risks and how does she feel about it. But really depends if you're ok with it at the end of the day.
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amother
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:33 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Yes she’s a very frum reg by girl. She davens twice a day. Not at all rebellious. She’s been getting a lot of attention from boys lately and it’s gotten to her. Would allowing her to have the bf not get her into the sem she wants to go to? |
Explain to her that if she plans on going to a BY sem or marrying a certain type of boy, she’s cutting off her choices. If she has a boyfriend not all sems will take her and not all types of guys will marry her, and is this really the future path she wants for herself.
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amother
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:34 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | I’m just new to having a teenager so wanna know how common this is in by circles and if ppl do let there kids have bf/gf? |
It’s not acceptable in any BY circles.
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amother
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:34 pm
A few reasons
a) I don’t feel like she is emotional mature enough to handle a relationship.
B) priority’s, will this get in the way of skl, friends, yiddishkeit, etc
C) safety, what is she gonna do w him. How do I know I can trust her. She’s a great kid but these things can go bad
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amother
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Sat, Nov 23 2024, 11:35 pm
| sequoia wrote: | | Does she want to date one of her guy friends that you know? |
Not that I know of. It’s not guy friends it’s more like fam friends. That may ruin fam relationships tho and can be messsy
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