Saying no to a child - intuition

amother

Outerspace ↓

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 12:34 am

amother Apricot wrote:

Sometimes we end up crippling our kids when we try too hard to make their life only happy. She needs to be able to handle a no, it’s a very important skill. She won’t survive this world without it.

OP, I suggest you to read this post a thousand times.
It's not parents job to make kids happy all the time through childhood. It's not parents job to solve all problems for their kids either.
Parents job is to equip kids with skills and tools to navigate through life.

amother

Lilac

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 1:46 am

amother Outerspace wrote:

But it's also not parents' job to create problems, and by saying no without an explanation, that's what you're doing.

↑ imaima ↓

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 1:56 am

amother Lilac wrote:

But it's also not parents' job to create problems, and by saying no without an explanation, that's what you're doing.

If catching someone on the spot at 10 pm, it is unfair to expect explanations.
This is another layer here where the dd could learn some empathy

amother

Yarrow ↓

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 4:07 am

amother Apricot wrote:

You are the mom. You owe her nothing. Do you always over explain? Because you can say no with no explanation.

Thats a weird way of parenting. Children aren't our subjects and parents shouldn't act like dictators. You obviously can but then shouldn't be surprised when your kids don't actually like you and don't stay close once they are adults. Because... THEY don't owe you anything. You do owe your kids. You are their mother?! You owe them a good and loving upbringing. Food and clothes. Hashem gives us these beautiful souls to accompany then for a certain time. To shape them into their best selves. To love them and take good care of them. So you actually DO owe then A LOT. Your attitude reminds me of non jewish parenting books from the 80s.

OP: I would have said, I would normally say yes but I have a bad feeling. And I can't tell you why so I need to you to accept it, even though its upsetting for you. Its totally understandable for you to be angry with me. And thats okay. Its just that every time I go against my gut feeling I regret it later. You are precious to me and I adore you.

And then let her be angry but not disrespectful.
I told my daughter from the age of 2: I am your mom, sometimes I have to say no and it will make you angry. You have the right to be angry. And I have the right to say no.

amother

↑ Apricot

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 4:37 am

amother Yarrow wrote:

Yes you can say no with no explanation. That’s basic parenting. Did I talk about the full relationship in my 2 sentences for you to rant like this? She obviously has an issue saying no, and I was addressing that point.

amother

↑ Outerspace

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 4:50 am

amother Lilac wrote:

But it's also not parents' job to create problems, and by saying no without an explanation, that's what you're doing.

And saying no WITH an explanation would have made less of a problem? Do you think daughter would have accepted a NO with an explanation?
I don't think so. In my experience it would turn into arguing.

Chayalle ↓

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 4:54 am

Yes, a mother can say no without an explanation.
But if she says that all the time, it's going to affect her relationship with her child.
You have to pick your battles and know where to draw the line too. So sometimes you say yes. Sometimes you say No. But sometimes you say No with an explanation.

I'm with imaima here, I would have said this is too late at night for me to think thru whether I'm comfortable with this, and as a mother I have to be comfortable with something like this in order to say Yes. It's my job to look out for your welfare. I'm not going to make decisions like this at this hour, that's something you should know.

And if you haven't yet learned how to handle your child's tantrum (or emotional dysregulation - let's use teen language) now's the time to do so. Welcome to teenagehood. Your child sounds normal for today's teen. It's great that she was able to express herself the way she did - something's happening in her brain that is learning, and that's a wonderful thing.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 4:58 am

amother Outerspace wrote:

And saying no WITH an explanation would have made less of a problem? Do you think daughter would have accepted a NO with an explanation?
I don't think so. In my experience it would turn into arguing.

I have found that in the moment, my teen might have the same negative reaction even when I give an explanation - because teen wants a Yes, anything else = reaction. However, your words do penetrate, and when they stop to think about it (which is usually a teen's delayed reaction) it may make sense to them and teaches them something.

See, I want to teach my teen decision making skills, because she's on the way to adulthood. I want her to learn a thinking process. Using this example, I want her to learn not to do impulsive, not-thought-out, actions at 10 pm. So even if she tantrums in response to my No, later on she might be honest with herself and say Mom's decision makes sense, she's really right (though she may or may not admit it - Here OP's teen did Applause

) and she will accept it.

BTW this is why I tell myself not to get too fazed when Teen gets upset at my response to something....because she usually comes round. It just takes a little time for reason to kick in. It's part of their growth process.

amother

↑ Yarrow

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 5:00 am

amother Apricot wrote:

Rant? Haha thats funny.
My point obviously triggered you, I wonder why.

You can do a lot of things. You just gotta deal with the consequences later. And this thread isntabout you.

amother

Leaf

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 5:08 am

amother OP wrote:

I have a great relationship with my daughter and I try to keep her happy. But I guess I don't say no enough and she's not sure how to handle it so she gets very defensive.

Her getting mad at you for saying no doesn't mean you aren't saying no enough.

↑ imaima

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 5:33 am

Chayalle wrote:

I actually admire her texts, it‘s amazing that she can verbalize herself like that. It is a great opening for a deep conversation

amother

Waterlily

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 5:34 am

OP you sound like a great mother. My kids are young so I can't speak about teens but I also try and say yes whenever possible. At the same time, when I do say no and they argue I'll say there's no point in debating or begging. It was a yes no question and I already answered. They get the point and it doesn't escalate.

↑ Chayalle

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 6:08 am

imaima wrote:

I actually admire her texts, it‘s amazing that she can verbalize herself like that. It is a great opening for a deep conversation

Yes, and OP sounds like a great mother. You know, teens don't come with a manual and as parents we do our best. It's normal that there will be some arguments, emotional dysregulation, etc...and then they come round, because their brain is developing and they will think about their own reactions....

I wonder if the mothers who say just say NO without ever explaining yourself have teens. And what their relationships are like.

amother

Ecru

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 11:29 am

I would tell the daughter.
You came to ask if you could go. So you knew I would either say yes, or I would say no. But you clearly weren't accepting the no. So did you not come to ask? did you come to TELL me that you're going?! Obviously, you asked and you knew it might be a yes or no. And I said no. But you weren't ready to hear a no. So you must learn that I am the mother and when I say no it is no.