Saying no to a child - intuition

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amother

OP ↓

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 10:26 pm

Hey,
My 14 year old daughter came upstairs at 10pm and asked if she could sleep at a friend's house. My body told me it wasn't a good idea. So although I typically like to say yes, I decided I was going to trust my self and say no. She said I owe her an explanation and I said it just doesn't feel right to me and I got a full blown attack on not trusting her and I'll be sorry. Did I do the wrong thing? Should I have to explain myself? Is it worth saying no or should I just give in?

giftedmom

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 10:29 pm

Ofcourse trust yourself! You’re the adult and responsible for her safety. She is young and dumb and have no idea what’s out there. That’s why she has a mom. Let her tantrum it’s fine.

amother

Amaranthus

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 10:30 pm

You don't owe her an explanation, but can you think of one that might satisfy like that it's a school night?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 10:31 pm

I felt like any explanation would just give a reason for her to fight back on it.

amother

Apricot ↓

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 10:32 pm

You are the mom. You owe her nothing. Do you always over explain? Because you can say no with no explanation.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 10:39 pm

I have a great relationship with my daughter and I try to keep her happy. But I guess I don't say no enough and she's not sure how to handle it so she gets very defensive.

amother

↑ Apricot ↓

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 10:42 pm

Sometimes we end up crippling our kids when we try too hard to make their life only happy. She needs to be able to handle a no, it’s a very important skill. She won’t survive this world without it.

mushkamothers

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 10:43 pm

Ask her why she thinks it would be a good idea and then why she thinks it would not be and explain that your brain was able to make those lists really quickly which is why it felt like a snap decision in your gut.

I mean probably not now. But in the future. Model critical thinking skills.

Also teens are in a developmental space of justice and fairness so yes an arbitrary no feels unfair and unjust. You don't owe explanations and you don't have to defend yourself but just realize this is where she's coming from.

amother

Dustypink

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 11:06 pm

You can say no without explaining when it comes to teen sleepovers.
She can be upset and mope for a bit.
Neither will be the end of the world.
But you owe it to yourself to try to put a finger on what is making you hesitant and in the future help your kids develope that sixth sense too because you wont have veto power on every topic for much longer.
Pointing out the things that make you wonder when you can...
Omgish that was such a weird interaction about a silly playdate.... I wonder why things went suddenly silent when I knocked.... I wonder why your friends dad answers every phone no matter which number you call. Ect...

spikta

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 12:30 am

I would have tried to use more words to clarify what was going on when I made a snap decision, out of respect for my teen. It seems like you're a bit offended that your teen doesn't trust your intuition, but but honestly, arbitrary decisions are annoying and your teen getting annoyed is a pretty natural consequence. Wouldn't you have been annoyed if your parents said no to what you deemed a reasonable request and refused to explain their reasoning?

You can certainly decide that your child should be able to accept an unreasoned decision obediently, but that will cost you trust when they have stuff they don't want to share with you later. If communication and trust is important to you in your relationship with your teen, I would rethink.

Keep in mind that communicating with respect absolutely doesn't mean saying Yes all the time. It just means taking that extra beat to think things through and find the words to explain what's going on in your mind. When I, and my DH even more so, get asked for something last minute without time to think things through, it's likely that we'll be inflexible and say No, and we've explained that to our kids.
Case in point- If you want a sleepover, don't ask at 10pm *facepalm* I don't have time to think about how you'll get there and back, whether it conflicts with anyone's plans, and 10PM is not an hour to go bother another family... All that pileup of reasons is a very easy immediate No. Because it's important for me to model respectful communication I would have said something like - As you know, last minute requests usually get a No. If you want my reasons, give me a minute to organize my thoughts and I'll explain.

The way I see it - this is a chance to teach my kid about being considerate of other people schedules and privacy, and about what is and isn't appropriate. It would be a shame to give up on this learning opportunity by refusing to engage in conversation about it.

imaima ↓

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 12:33 am

amother OP wrote:

She asked to pick up and leave at 10 pm to her friends house? No. Noone owes her an explanation

nicole81 ↓

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 12:37 am

A young teen saying you owe them an explanation is extremely entitled behavior. Saying "[You'll] be sorry" is threatening, abusive behavior. When things settle down you need to talk with her about her reaction towards you and try to get her to understand the inappropriateness of it. I have four teens and I know they can become temporarily insane😁 but this is above and beyond imo.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 12:38 am

I could have made a list of reasons, I don't know what goes on in their home, several of their kids are off the Derech, your friend wears mid thigh length skirts, don't know what music is on, don't know what they're watching, it's already very late, etc. but I just felt like me not being comfortable with it should be enough, and I'm allowed to trust myself enough to just say no. But I didn't know how to do it. I then had to explain that I'm allowed to trust myself to make that decision and then she mocked me.

amother

↑ OP

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 12:41 am

This is the text message she sent me later on:

Sorry I hate hearing the answer no and I hate even more not know how to deal with myself when you say no

And I responded I love you I'm so sorry it's hard for both of us

↑ nicole81

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 12:42 am

amother OP wrote:

That's reassuring.

↑ imaima ↓

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 1:17 am

amother OP wrote:

Why are you so vulnerable with her? You both don’t know how to deal with a No and unfortunately life throws many Nos at us.
Mocking alone would mean she won’t be going anywhere for a long time.

She is a minor and you are in charge of her safety and you deem the situation unsafe. That’s it.

↑ imaima ↓

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 1:18 am

amother OP wrote:

You sound like a very special mother.
Talk to her how to deal with a No.
This is a teachable moment.

amother

Cappuccino

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 1:26 am

nicole81 wrote:

That's reassuring.

The daughter's text is, the response from OP not as much

amother

Jetblack

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 1:32 am

To illustrate the same age child:
She asked to stay overnight at a friend’s house in the future (!). I said okay I don’t know the family, will need to talk to the mom.
My dd said no, cringe, noone does it, I just want to go. I said okay then no.
I am not comfortable with A, B and C.

What do you know? Her friend group came up with a plan how A, B and C would work. I received the number of the parent who I had a reassuring conversation with. I had a feeling that her friends are solid girls. The parent reassured there are no brothers around. Then I felt I would lose more than I would win if I don’t send.

amother

Stoneblue

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 1:33 am

So special that she sent you that text.

Shows she regulated herself

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