Think before you talk or don't say anything.

Cheiny

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 1:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think because it is so common to be out with family by me. There were so many other people there who I know were with siblings and mothers and daughters why ask us. I think that is where I am stuck on. Why did we stand out and not other people standing in close distance.

No didnt really strike a nerve. my older kids in their 30s and I were out and people thought we were siblings my husband looks much older than me and people think I am his daughter.

You didn’t stand out more than the others, the reason the woman commented to you rather than others in the restaurant was because you happened to be the one standing in front of her. Did you expect her to go over to everyone else in the restaurant and make the same comment? That’s very unreasonable.

I think you’re very sensitive about this and it did strike a nerve, and that’s why you’re blowing her comment out of proportion. I’m sure she meant no harm and no insult. If you’re 17 years older then you could in fact be your friend’s mother.

You really are reading too much into it and it’s time to let it go. If you still can’t, you might want to look into why it’s bothering you so much and what it triggered in you,

Last edited by Cheiny on Thu, Nov 21 2024, 8:25 pm; edited 1 time in total

Simple1

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 1:57 pm

I understand why you were bothered. Although I’d write it off as foot in the mouth. It’s not a terrible comment but I wonder the age of the posters saying it’s no big deal. Or maybe some of us are more sensitive than others regarding our looks and age,

amother

DarkViolet

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 2:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

I have a friend who is about 17 yrs my junior. She in her early 40s. We have been friends for many years.
We went out to eat the other day. We kind of look similar with same coloring and same sheitel style and color.
We live in town in which is very heavily populated with lots of families that have siblings and parents living close by so its very normal to see siblings and mothers out together.

So my friend and I went out to eat. We were waiting on line and a woman a bit older than me turned to us and asked if we were related which we said no we are friends. Instead of just stopping there she went on to say "oh I thought you were mother and daughter".
I am so not sure why in the first place she asked that because it so common by me to be out with a family member and then to go on with the comment she said.

So just want to put it out there to not say anything.
And no I dont look old. Have good skin but unfortunately thanks to hereditary and not getting much sleep over the years I have circles under my eyes.

first I thought you wrote 7 seven yrs apart....but 17 years apart? You could really almost be her mother! my SIL married at 18 and had a baby 9 months later....
maybe she thinks your friend is 20 and you are 38!!!
(I'm 38 and have an almost 18 yr old son!)

zaq

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 9:50 pm

I'm frum circles it's not uncommon for women to be moms at 19 or 20. Once you're past your early 20s, few people can estimate your age within two years. You are, in fact, almost old enough to be your friend's mother, even if you're 20 years younger than her real mother. Agreed that this person could have been more tactful, but she didn't say anything so terrible. She didn't think you were the grandmother, after all. You're taking this, and yourself, much too seriously.

amother

Purple

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 10:38 pm

I’m going to go with OP and say this is a good PSA. Yes OP might be technically old enough to be her friends mother but the stranger didn’t know that. I have a friend that is a few years older than me and I have been asked a couple times if she is my mom. Luckily I don’t think she heard the question, it would have hurt her very much. I don’t look 20 years younger than her that’s for sure it’s more of a motherly vibe she gives off. Easy to put foot in mouth and make the mistake of asking but to say I thought you were mother and daughter after being told two people are not related and are friends is a stupid thing to do. Say sisters or cousins if you feel like you have to comment on resemblance (but really you don’t have to comment)

amother

↑ Bronze

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 6:53 am

amother Purple wrote:

No one's disagreeing that there can be better ways to say it that can avoid potentially hurting someone
It's just not a really bad comment to make given the situation.
I think what most people are saying is that if op is affected so strongly by this, even possibly feeling that she was singled out specifically, this requires some introspection to understand the reason it bothers her so much

GOODMOM

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 11:42 am

OP, I'm just thinking that this woman was trying to have a little social interaction with another woman. You struck her as friendly , and she tried to initiate a conversation. The safest and most parve opening was asking if your mother and daughter. ( I'm just trying to look at it from a different perspective).

amother

Wine

Fri, Nov 22 2024, 11:54 am

I have a sister who's 10 years older than me. A few times people asked me which one of you sister's are older. Me course I didn't like that you can't tell that I'm younger but it is what it is. I wouldn't blame someone for asking such an innocent question.
I feel like whenever there are so many psa about content it makes me feel like I can't say anything ever anymore.
Op clearly this bothered you a lot so although I don't get it I do want to validate that this made you uncomfortable. We all have our little things that trigger us.