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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

OP ↓

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 1:08 pm

I have a friend who is about 17 yrs my junior. She in her early 40s. We have been friends for many years.
We went out to eat the other day. We kind of look similar with same coloring and same sheitel style and color.
We live in town in which is very heavily populated with lots of families that have siblings and parents living close by so its very normal to see siblings and mothers out together.

So my friend and I went out to eat. We were waiting on line and a woman a bit older than me turned to us and asked if we were related which we said no we are friends. Instead of just stopping there she went on to say "oh I thought you were mother and daughter".
I am so not sure why in the first place she asked that because it so common by me to be out with a family member and then to go on with the comment she said.

So just want to put it out there to not say anything.
And no I dont look old. Have good skin but unfortunately thanks to hereditary and not getting much sleep over the years I have circles under my eyes.

amother

Milk

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 1:11 pm

I'm trying to understand why you're upset. You two are almost two decades apart, and as you mentioned, you do look quite similar.

What is so offensive about that comment? To me, it seems pretty harmless, even friendly.

amother

Honeysuckle

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 1:12 pm

Seems like she hit a raw nerve.
But not a bad comment in the scheme of things .
Dh and I are one year apart, in our low 30s. He’s thin with no facial hair. I get asked once a month if he’s my son.
Nope I don’t have a teenager I’m almost one myself

ETA, I’m also thin with a long trendy wig and dressed youthful

amother

Ruby ↓

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 1:14 pm

You are 17 years older you can almost be her mother. Which is fine. I don’t understand why it’s upsetting?

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 1:21 pm

I think because it is so common to be out with family by me. There were so many other people there who I know were with siblings and mothers and daughters why ask us. I think that is where I am stuck on. Why did we stand out and not other people standing in close distance.

No didnt really strike a nerve. my older kids in their 30s and I were out and people thought we were siblings my husband looks much older than me and people think I am his daughter.

amother

Bronze ↓

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 1:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don't think the comment was specifically to you AS OPPOSED to other people there, someone was making friendly conversation and it was with you. IOW, she didn't come there thinking who is family here? Oh these stand out most out of everyone here. She was presumably standing near you and made light conversation.

amother

Daphne

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 1:59 pm

pnimi

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 2:12 pm

Not understanding the big deal. You just smile and say, "No we're just friends."

amother

Starflower

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 2:19 pm

I'm not really understanding what's so insulting. You could have given birth to her when you were 19 so she was only 2 years off which is nothing. Maybe she thought your friend looked 2 years younger than she is. Or maybe she thought your friend looked 8 years younger and you looked 6 years younger so it's really a compliment, who knows.

Or most likely she wasn't doing any actual math.

amother

Canary ↓

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 2:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

Deleted. Wasn't a nice comment. Sorry OP I shouldn't have taken my bad mood out on you.

grace413

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 2:28 pm

I have a friend who is 20 years younger than I am and we frequently go places together. People are always asking if I'm her mother, I just say no, we are friends and don't think anything of it.

Last time we were out someone asked if we were sisters! I was thrilled!

amother

↑ Ruby

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 2:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think you are overthinking too much. It was a light convo.

amother

↑ Canary ↓

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 2:31 pm

I seriously don't get the issue!! With kids one can tell if a child is 2 years, 3 or 4. But adults? There's such a wide range, you can usually place someone within a decade, but a year or 2? Especially with make-up and wigs. And I'm not talking botox and plastic surgery!

Ruchel

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 2:38 pm

Some people told me young peoples are in denim and tracksuit and that's why we look older. Disregard. I actually am now mistaken bh for younger.

amother

Sapphire

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 2:46 pm

Years ago, when I was 24, I was working at an office in my neighborhood. Once on my day off I was passing by the office , wearing slinky skirt and tichel, and saw my coworker standing outside. She was in her mid-thirties, but wearing sheitel and nicely dressed. I stopped for a second to talk to her, and this non-jewish lady stopped and asked us for directions and then asked if I was my coworker's mom!! It was funny and embarrassing at the same time 😂

Fox

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 2:52 pm

I'll meet that and raise you, OP!

My husband is very young looking despite having all kinds of medical issues. Like, 15 years younger than his actual age. I often say he has the "body of Dorian Gray." He's had two hard-organ transplants; a pacemaker; and a slew of other surgeries. He has a weird sleep disorder that fewer than 1000 people in the country have. When medical records systems go down, I always accuse him of being the record that broke the database.

But I've lost track of the number of times he's mistaken for my son. An average of once a month.

I wrote about it in a similar thread a few years ago, and one Imamother wrote back, "Oh, Fox! I would have cried and cried!"

So whenever it happens, that's what everyone says to me. It's become a running family joke.

Nothing to do, OP, but lean in. Just take it as a compliment that you're cool enough to have much younger friends!

amother

↑ Canary

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 3:22 pm

I have people asking me all the time if Rabbi X who works in abc is my husband or fwather-in-law! I don't look young, but he looks older then he is... (My father-in-law left this world 20 years ago...). My husband isn't bothered, but if the tables were turned I don't think I'd like very much...

amother

Maple

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 4:14 pm

Op yo u also have to know yourself and accept yourself. I always get stopped by people in stores. People are always asking me for help. At first my reaction was why me. Then I realize that I do take my time thinking about a product. I might stand by a product an extra 4 seconds then most. Then it became part of my personify I became friendly to people in stores, I would have know problem like that woman to just talk or ask a question-though it does seem more random then I would ask. But maybe the 2 of you were cute together. An older single girl once stopped me to ask me a question I stoped to help her and said I don't see what your looking for but you know I don't work here. But I dont mind helping you find it. She said I know she felt so embarrassed and I felt bad that I even mentioned I don't work there. But it's not my problem we don't know what could make a person feel bad. We try our best

amother

Midnight

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 4:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

Op, im really flabbeegasted this upset you enough for a PSA. sure it would have been classier to say she thought you were sisters if shes trying to say you look "related" (and yes, I agree people should try to say that even if you think its a granddaughter!)

But cmon, why are you so upset? with a 17 year age gap you ARE almost enough to be her mother in the frum world. Shes only off by a couple of years. This is a completely reasonable assumption and does not say anything aboit your looks other than maybe she looks super young or you dont look super duper young.
This is not like asking someone with a stomach when they're due- which is what you sound like. Not at all.

My dd21 just showed me a picture from a seminary reunion and a very decent percentage of her friends were holding big babies they had when they were 20, or even 19! This is them in 40 years!

amother

Holly

Thu, Nov 21 2024, 4:38 pm

I am 32 and someone thought I was the mom of my 23 year old nephew 😅

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