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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Giving Gifts
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Raizle
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 Wed, Nov 20 2024, 6:14 pm
For all those of you who are suggesting it will cause issues in the marriage, for that to happen there would have to be problems in the marriage to begin with which would then justify the OPs concern.
If it's a healthy marriage then this shouldn't cause problems.
If it's not then why shouldn't she be concerned about where her gift goes.
As to the relationship between her and her Dil, well in that case I suggest she gets professional advice how to go about it. A trust sounds like a good idea
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fradiefraysie
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 6:15 pm
What would you like to happen if they divorced? Would you like her to get nothing and for him to keep the house? Because that’s the message you are sending.
Honestly, I think this puts the wife in a potentially damaging situation. It could be that you son is the type to sit back and say “I’ve provided the house - I don’t need to work” (I have a relative who did this) or it could just be that as a couple they now don’t try as hard to save to build shared assets, leaving the wife with very little if they ever did divorce.
I am currently dealing with a situation where my brother is about to inherit a house and I am insisting his wife’s name be on the title because I hate the thought of her being left vulnerable if the marriage breaks up. We need to care more about people than money. And frankly I think she has enough to put up with being married to him without wondering whether she will end up homeless one day.
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amother
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 6:17 pm
| Raizle wrote: | For all those of you who are suggesting it will cause issues in the marriage, for that to happen there would have to be problems in the marriage to begin with which would then justify the OPs concern.
If it's a healthy marriage then this shouldn't cause problems.
If it's not then why shouldn't she be concerned about where her gift goes.
As to the relationship between her and her Dil, well in that case I suggest she gets professional advice how to go about it. A trust sounds like a good idea |
If there r issues in the marriage, she definitely shouldn’t be doing something that will make it worse. She shud be very cautious
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amother
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 6:30 pm
| fradiefraysie wrote: | What would you like to happen if they divorced? Would you like her to get nothing and for him to keep the house? Because that’s the message you are sending.
Honestly, I think this puts the wife in a potentially damaging situation. It could be that you son is the type to sit back and say “I’ve provided the house - I don’t need to work” (I have a relative who did this) or it could just be that as a couple they now don’t try as hard to save to build shared assets, leaving the wife with very little if they ever did divorce.
I am currently dealing with a situation where my brother is about to inherit a house and I am insisting his wife’s name be on the title because I hate the thought of her being left vulnerable if the marriage breaks up. We need to care more about people than money. And frankly I think she has enough to put up with being married to him without wondering whether she will end up homeless one day. |
Your extrapolating your situation to this one. No one is owed a house we dont know the people here. The mom wants to protect her son in the event of a divorce she doesnt owe ex-daughter in law anything. We dont know that her son is lazy or any of the other accusations you make. Op should speak to a lawyer and do it cautiously maybe its not the time to gift a house maybe they can live there rent or a trust the other suggestions people wrote here. I do think its smart to protect your child if you think their marriage is rocky. There are plenty of women who take full advantage and fight just for the sake of fighting taking the house out of the picture may be wise. This isnt a situation where the couple jointly worked/stayed home to watch kids and purchased a house so no, no one is owed anything.
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amother
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 6:44 pm
| fradiefraysie wrote: | What would you like to happen if they divorced? Would you like her to get nothing and for him to keep the house? Because that’s the message you are sending.
Honestly, I think this puts the wife in a potentially damaging situation. It could be that you son is the type to sit back and say “I’ve provided the house - I don’t need to work” (I have a relative who did this) or it could just be that as a couple they now don’t try as hard to save to build shared assets, leaving the wife with very little if they ever did divorce.
I am currently dealing with a situation where my brother is about to inherit a house and I am insisting his wife’s name be on the title because I hate the thought of her being left vulnerable if the marriage breaks up. We need to care more about people than money. And frankly I think she has enough to put up with being married to him without wondering whether she will end up homeless one day. |
If OP would not gift the house, what would happen in case of divorce? Let's say OP will do a trust and her son and DIL move in. DIL benefits from living there rent -free. If they get divorced, she would likely be entitled to half value of any improvements / purchases they made for the house together. Plus the fact that her ex- husband will have where to live rent free will also benefit her because he would potentially have more disposable income to pay child support and will have where to live / take children. Plus their children will likey inherit the house from the ex husband.
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amother
Silver
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 6:45 pm
I get the sense that OP has something against her DIL. It seems odd that you are not embracing her like family and excited for them to build a bayis together in their house. It's almost like doing this will send a message to DIL from the start that she isn't true family. For me, that would limit how close I could become with my MIL.
also fwiw, especially if they have kids, if they live in the house for a long time especially if they decide to spend any money on changing the house, it could be considered commingling the house and then not be given back to your son if ch'v they divorce
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internationalma
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 6:54 pm
In a world where divorce is SO common, why are people even surprised at this question?!
100% she should not just gift because that might hurt her dil. She should do what is right for her son. By not gifting to DIL she is not taking away anything from her, rather allowing her to enjoy something as long as she is married to her son.
If DIL feels hurt , then she should deal with it. Most people who have a good relationship wil not get scared by something that makes so much sense. On the contrary they’ll appreciate that’s their spouse has parents that have values and look out for their child.
I know way too many couple that divorce even in their 60s. If parents help towards a down payement it’s diff because the couple needs to pay monthly ect .
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amother
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 6:57 pm
If my MIL did this, I would be extremely hurt. I don’t think I would ever talk to her again. It makes a very clear statement!
And I think my husband would be bothered by it as well
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amother
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 6:57 pm
You would have to speak to a lawyer first, but I doubt daughter-in-law will be insulted because I don't think it's as simple as leaving her name off the title.
If you form some sort of trust, few normal people would get insulted over that. If you don't, it'll probably end up as a shared asset in a short period of time anyways.
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amother
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 6:57 pm
| fradiefraysie wrote: | What would you like to happen if they divorced? Would you like her to get nothing and for him to keep the house? Because that’s the message you are sending.
Honestly, I think this puts the wife in a potentially damaging situation. It could be that you son is the type to sit back and say “I’ve provided the house - I don’t need to work” (I have a relative who did this) or it could just be that as a couple they now don’t try as hard to save to build shared assets, leaving the wife with very little if they ever did divorce.
I am currently dealing with a situation where my brother is about to inherit a house and I am insisting his wife’s name be on the title because I hate the thought of her being left vulnerable if the marriage breaks up. We need to care more about people than money. And frankly I think she has enough to put up with being married to him without wondering whether she will end up homeless one day. |
This is exactly what can happen, the dil will hear "you are not my daughter, this is my son". "I don't have faith in your relationship, and you aren't family". "We might fight you one day if you split up". None of that is the right message. It will cause hurt.
If the relationship happens to be incredibly healthy on all sides, and the parents very giving and the type to do it because "my lawyer said, my accountant said" to gift them a house but only put it in his name....because we need to pre-transfer some yerusha and this is how they said to do it, it can be pulled off without hurt, if all t's are crossed & I's dotted. And if you have never had any hint of criticism for anything at all towards her come across as well as no my family vs your family.
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amother
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 7:00 pm
I was going to share my personal story but decided it might be too revealing for anyone who knows me.
I just want to say this. All your arguments and suggestions for and against, all your hypothesis of what OPs actions might cause are irrelevant.
You don't know the details, you don't know her reasons and you don't know how people will behave in the end.
How do you know for example that the Dil doesn't have a spending problem, might be lazy and not working or doing home duties.
Or maybe not but you all just don't know.
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amother
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 7:20 pm
| amother Aconite wrote: | I was going to share my personal story but decided it might be too revealing for anyone who knows me.
I just want to say this. All your arguments and suggestions for and against, all your hypothesis of what OPs actions might cause are irrelevant.
You don't know the details, you don't know her reasons and you don't know how people will behave in the end.
How do you know for example that the Dil doesn't have a spending problem, might be lazy and not working or doing home duties.
Or maybe not but you all just don't know. |
Ok, even if the daughter-in-law were doing these things, it's not the mother-in-law's place to punish her for these things or get involved in any way. A wife is lazy so she doesn't deserve to be on the deed to their home?? A wife doesn't work so she doesn't get to be on the deed to her home?? In what world would that kind of abuse be ok?
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amother
Amber
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 7:21 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | I don’t think so because it’s an inheritance from my own parents that I am gifting to my son and putting it under his name only. |
As soon as you close it belongs to your son & he can do as he pleases including adding his wife on the deed.
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↑
Raizle
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 7:38 pm
| amother Floralwhite wrote: | | If there r issues in the marriage, she definitely shouldn’t be doing something that will make it worse. She shud be very cautious |
Look, I agree she should be cautious. If she feels she needs to do it in his name only I trust she has her reasons and she should get professional advice how to go about it in a peaceful manner.
That said if a marriage is bad enough that something the mother who is (outside the marriage) does will tip the scales then it's probably pretty far gone.
Bad marriage or not it shouldn't be affected by someone else's actions.
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amother
Azalea
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 7:43 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | If we gift our married son a house do we have to put our daughter in law’s name on it as well? |
No don’t need to moreover I wouldn’t do it !
After ten years she’s likely entitled to half anyway according to the law
However , until then just in case done
Heard too many horror stories
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amother
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 7:48 pm
| amother Birch wrote: | | Ok, even if the daughter-in-law were doing these things, it's not the mother-in-law's place to punish her for these things or get involved in any way. A wife is lazy so she doesn't deserve to be on the deed to their home?? A wife doesn't work so she doesn't get to be on the deed to her home?? In what world would that kind of abuse be ok? |
How is it abuse? Remember it's a gift to their son. It's not a home they bought together as a couple.
There is a difference
I'm not saying OP is wrong or right.
We don't know details.
And yes there are cases where one party, even.. (gasp,shock horror) the woman, is deserving of nothing. Not going into details but it happens.
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amother
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 7:55 pm
| amother Aconite wrote: | How is it abuse? Remember it's a gift to their son. It's not a home they bought together as a couple.
There is a difference
I'm not saying OP is wrong or right.
We don't know details.
And yes there are cases where one party, even.. (gasp,shock horror) the woman, is deserving of nothing. Not going into details but it happens. |
Whether she’s deserving of anything or not, the MIL has no right to give her the punishment for it
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amother
Peru
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 7:55 pm
This can cause issues in their marriage but also can and likely will cause resentment toward you
Why would you want to do that?
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amother
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 8:00 pm
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Honestly, I think u shud speak to ur son about it before doing anything and see how he feels about it
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amother
Amaryllis
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Wed, Nov 20 2024, 9:04 pm
| amother Mintgreen wrote: | | If OP would not gift the house, what would happen in case of divorce? Let's say OP will do a trust and her son and DIL move in. DIL benefits from living there rent -free. If they get divorced, she would likely be entitled to half value of any improvements / purchases they made for the house together. Plus the fact that her ex- husband will have where to live rent free will also benefit her because he would potentially have more disposable income to pay child support and will have where to live / take children. Plus their children will likey inherit the house from the ex husband. |
Usually mother lives with the children, they should just be homeless?
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