If you yourself (or your child)where left behind a grade....

amother

Anemone

Sun, Nov 17 2024, 9:25 am

mfb wrote:

I think you have to work with her social age. If learning is hard for her it will be hard in any class but if she’s socially mature than put her with her real age

This!

Here it's a bit different with the boys.
My son is 5. He's 2 months past the deadline. He's in kita bais (pre1a age)
I wanted him to repeat kindergarten. The school was adamant that he's too developed. But I recognized that visually he has no clue the difference between abcs alef bais and numbers. And I tried teaching him the difference. Was a mo go. They claimed it's still normal. He'll learn in kita alef.
Well, kita alef came and he struggles very much!!! Then they started talking about leaving him back.
But emotionally as mature as he was before kita alef, he grew 10 fold.
He's always playing with the big boys. The 7-8-9 year olds. And he's often the leader. He runs around role playing and arramging the older boys with his walkie talkie. If hes late to shul, they come around calling him. And bh, he's a nice kid, too. Bh bh bh. It's hilarious. Ironically he's also TINY in size.

We discussed the issues with a few knowledgeable people, they all agreed putting him back now would do more harm than good. Eventually he'll catch up. One evaluator called him a gamara kup with slight dyslexia. And knowing him I agree.
But now he's struggling. Luckily, there's one class in school for boys like him, bit most boys are a bit ahead of him.
He has a specialized tutor 3x a week in school. And he went up to kita bais. I'm already seeing that it was the right decision for my child.

If socially, your child would fit in, I probably would keep her back.

amother

↑ Smokey ↓

Sun, Nov 17 2024, 10:05 am

amother OP wrote:

So being the oldest didn't bother you?

As far as her being bored, something tells me that she'll be ok relearning the stuff, that she'll feel good knowing things right away as opposed to having to try hard to keep up and it won't be a problem....

But it is an option to set her up with her private tutor as you did to keep her at grade level...

Not at all. I enjoyed being the oldest.

Regarding her relearning when I was discussing it with my sister who is a child therapist she was very against dd getting used to being it taught twice (what would have been if she stayed down), as the year after she won't have that double learning and can fall behind then.
Her private tutor helped her keeping up with class instead of relying on learning it for 2 years.

Just something to keep in mind

amother

Amaranthus

Sun, Nov 17 2024, 11:42 pm

3 of my children repeated pre 1 A before 1st grade. (back then it was called that). They went on and are great husbands, fathers, helpers in their communities bh. If a child needs it , don't be ashamed. It's probably harder when they are older and need to be left back in 6th or 7th grade but even then they will do well. I have family members that became lawyers late in their 30's. Amazing people, community helpers, great fathers. Some just need a little more time. Never give up!

ittsamother ↓

Yesterday at 1:17 am

amother Amaranthus wrote:

It's still called pre1A : )

amother

Chicory

Yesterday at 9:56 am

We debated this.
Unfortunately at the time it was not clear how socially behind my kid is. We got my kid assessed but it didn't show everything at such a young age. If I knew now what I knew then I might have held back in preschool... we debated because my kid is super smart and knew everything- parsha, ABCs etc and the educational Psychologist said not to hold back.

What made it worse is that the school suggested holding my kid back but it was only because they had a teachers kid they had to accept to the class so "one had to go" as there was no space. They even said "it's such a large class so hold yours back" so then I brought up the fact that they accepted that kid (friends with parents so we knew they accepted that kid). The school basically admitted they were suggesting it to solve their problem.

If they didn't have such a clear bias against us and ulterior motives maybe we would have made a different decision.

amother

Dandelion

Yesterday at 10:05 am

I’m right on the cut off. I started out in the older class and the school suggested I repeat preschool so I could be more confident. I am very happy with that. I was always the oldest but I was also short, insecure, and a late developer. I was an average student. Being the oldest is way way better than being the youngest unless someone is truly developmentally advanced and gifted.

amother

Lawngreen

Yesterday at 10:07 am

My DH was has borderline birthday. He was always youngest in the class at it really affected his self esteem, he always felt a step behind.

We have a few of our kids born between 1-4 months before the deadline and I always chose to keep them back. Some are already older so speaking after yrs of experience. BH zero regrets. And my kids k"h are bright and do well socially. They loved being oldest, often had unofficial leadership roles, and b"h are very confident. Once they reach older elementary/ highschool and the demands get stronger. I really appreciate they were fully ready for it. No regrets.

For sure in your case bec of everything u wrote I would put her back.

As a teacher I have also seen kids pushed ahead struggle academically and socially vs. have not really seen that with kids left back.

↑ ittsamother

Yesterday at 10:38 am

amother Dandelion wrote:

Yes, I was going to say, every now and then you might hear someone unhappy they were the oldest, but I've never heard anyone specifically say they were happy because they were the youngest.

Most people like being on the older end, there aren't any obvious benefits to being the youngest though...

amother

↑ OP

Yesterday at 11:18 am

Thanks for all your comments on this, I read them all and they gave me what to think about.

Some of you with personal examples of leaving behind and were happy, wrote that they/their child had birthdays near the deadline... My daughters birthday is March and the deadline is a January which would make her more like 9-10 months older then the oldest classmate (unless others near the deadline are left behind, not so uncommon these days, but either way she'll be a nice amount older).

I wouldn't hesitate if her birthday was near the deadline, as I think it would be great for her, but this is already a lot... I'm nervous about how she'll feel about it as she gets older...

amother

Amethyst

Yesterday at 11:51 am

My son is also older than the rest of the kids. He does sometimes say why did you make me do kindergarten twice, I'm so old. So we listen to him and validate, and then focus on positives and say that was the best thing for you and its so cool that you get to be first in your class. He is an average kid right in the middle today tho it took time to get there. I am very grateful to Hashem that he is a skinny child and of average height, so while he is on the taller side, there are still a couple of classmates who are taller or huskier than him and he fits in physically. The truth is, I have a nephew who was within the deadline and similar age to his peers, and he matured very early. It was very hard for him because he got bullied a lot because of his facial hair and acne and it had nothing to do with holding back. So you never know.

When bar mitzvah comes, my son will be the first in his class, but I know his school will be supportive and so will we. If he feels weird davening at the school minyan, then I will keep him home to daven and work it out. And I feel it evens out as they get older no one really cares anymore. Leaving him back was the best decision at the time, and while it does come with some possible future challenges, I feel like its okay.

Whatever you do will be fine. You do the best you can at the time of the decision and leave the rest to G-d.

jewish girl

Today at 2:08 pm

My mom has worked in early childhood development for over 25 years and is very quick to leave behind when kids are right by the deadline, I was a November baby and was left back - always was the oldest in my class and it definitely didn't negatively impact me at all, it really depends on the child but for me it worked out well and it has for the rest of my siblings that were left back as well

mha3484

Today at 2:28 pm

I have a daughter in K now (5 year old) who is a little spacy and slower to pick up the aleph bais. The early childhood director tried to get me to repeat Nursery (4 year olds) last year and I said no and I have no regrets. The moros say shes getting the material this year.

She has an April birthday with a deadline of Nov 30th so it would make her 6 months older then the oldest kid in the class. A 5th grade bas mitzvah, developing way before everyone else. I really really did not want to do that if I didn't have to. I had two really helpful conversations 1) The asst principal of my girls school for Junior High who happens to also be my friend and 2) The asst prinicipal of grades K-2. Both gave me a lot of clarity.
At the end we decided that repeating her wont make her less spacy and if she has an attention or learning issue we will deal with it but it wont get any better if she stayed back a year.

I have two boys who I did hold back and have no regrets at all. But for her I really felt it was not a good plan.

amother

Maize

Today at 2:46 pm

I wanted to leave my daughter back a year when we made aliyah, she was 11. I decided against it because she is extremely tall and the size gap between her and everyone else would have been huge. I'm glad I didn't, because socially it would have been very awkward when going through puberty if she was very ahead of her peers. I find that the girls interests change a lot during puberty, it's not just physical changes.

amother

Milk

Today at 2:52 pm

I pushed ahead my dd who was close to the cutoff and held back my son who is a full few months older than the next kid in his class. I believe it depends on the kid and what they need. No regrets with my son since he needed the extra help and was in a special school for his repeat year before elementary school. My dd that I pushed ahead I sometimes wonder if it was the right move since she’s maybe a bit slower socially than her age group but in general she’s holding her own.
OP, Can you have someone evaluate her social skills to see where she’s holding compared to the age group you want to put her with? Also I agree with posters that if she’s tall/larger or if you developed early it may be smarter to put her with same age peers (that was part of my reasoning in pushing my dd ahead)
Whatever you do decide lots of hatzlacha!

amother

↑ Smokey

Today at 3:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

With such an age difference if socially she is on par with her age I will send her to the right age and make sure they give her the extra help with tutors who will give her the skills for future years to manage her learning.

amother

Peach

Today at 6:14 pm

My friends very smart daughter on the spectrum started out with with very little eye contact and stimming. She got therapy in a regular school and they put her down a grade in preschool. Then the family moved sometime in elementary school and the school was way more advanced so the school forced my friend to either repeat her daughter or hire tutors. The school discouraged her frim repeating because they gelt if shes a weak student tutoring is better then leaving behind. My friend at the time didn't think her daughter could handle many tutors. She repeated and her daughter became top socially. Does very well in some subjects. Middle of the class in other subjects and needed extra help in other subject due to some learning disabilities. This girl is very petite so elementary was never a problem. She actualy developed late. When she entered high school at 16 some of her classmates turned 14 in November/December. While others turned 15 in those months. She's in 10th grade this year. When I spoke to her last. At the begining of the school year she made a joke that soon she could drive her friends to school and get her license. Something the school doesn't anyway let. And that she not getting married so fast after graduation because technically she could almost get married. Her concern in high school was more about how old she will be after graduation. It was never a topic before. She did get bas mitzva younger then her classmates but she was the only girl that was able to invite her classmates so it felt very positive for her.