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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> School age children
ladeedah613
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 Yesterday at 12:07 pm
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My 12 year old is mieserable because I wont let him get a fade haircut like the cool kids. Mind you he is kappa and tzitzis wearing and in a secular school because they provide amazing well being. Im tempted to let him get the haircut once ( it involves cutting payos I think ) to get it oiut of his system. I know its against halacha but is it really that horrible? Do kids in mordern orthodox schools get the modern haircuts or am I just being old fashioned ?
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amother
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Yesterday at 12:09 pm
I think that if you placed him in a secular school, you can't force him to stand out. If we place our kids in schools that are below our standards at home, it comes along with expecting that the kids will most likely want to be at the standards of their school.
(Is your son in a secular school or in a modern orthodox school? They're not the same.)
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chanatron1000
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Yesterday at 12:10 pm
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Doing something against halacha really is that horrible. But you should let him get the coolest haircut he can possibly have without violating halacha.
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amother
Wisteria
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Yesterday at 12:12 pm
| chanatron1000 wrote: | | Doing something against halacha really is that horrible. But you should let him get the coolest haircut he can possibly have without violating halacha. |
This is such a good answer.
I was about to respond but I feel like you’ve answered better than I would have.
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amother
Celeste
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Yesterday at 12:16 pm
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Find out what are the exact places for payos and what is the minimum hair length. He can probably get something close to a fade, if not exactly it, that is still keeping halacha.
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Cheiny
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Yesterday at 12:18 pm
| ladeedah613 wrote: | | My 12 year old is mieserable because I wont let him get a fade haircut like the cool kids. Mind you he is kappa and tzitzis wearing and in a secular school because they provide amazing well being. Im tempted to let him get the haircut once ( it involves cutting payos I think ) to get it oiut of his system. I know its against halacha but is it really that horrible? Do kids in mordern orthodox schools get the modern haircuts or am I just being old fashioned ? |
My first question is why is he in a secular school? You wrote that they provide “amazing well being.” Not sure what you mean.
I’d be very against allowing him to do this. It’s not going to get it out of his system… What will happen if the next thing he wants to do, to fit in with “the cool kids” is even more anti Torah? He needs to understand that different people keep different standards, and some things others will do are not acceptable for a frum family.
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amother
Razzmatazz
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Yesterday at 1:26 pm
My son wants one too but I have no idea what type it is.
Could someone educate me please.
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giftedmom
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Yesterday at 1:29 pm
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What amazing well being is worth sacrificing your child’s Yiddishkeit for?
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flowerpower
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Yesterday at 1:30 pm
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Maybe you can look into sending him to a jewish school so he won’t have the peer pressure? Is he in a secular school because he has issues?
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amother
Emerald
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Yesterday at 1:30 pm
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If you are careful about peyos, how would getting a fade be against Halacha??
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seeker
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Yesterday at 2:32 pm
Surprising how many answers don't assume that someone who cares about peyos and sends her kid to a secular school must have a danged good reason for her school choice.
OP, see if you can find a great barber to talk to and see if you can come up with a style that will qualify as cool without giving up too much of your values. ime not all fades are created equal and having a barber who understands your needs is worth a lot.
Also ask your rabbi for halachic parameters of where you can go with this.
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amother
Babypink
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Yesterday at 2:40 pm
As I only have DDs and Iam the least cool person you have ever met, I have no idea what a fade haircut is.
I would find out what is halacha-not community norms, but actually halacha, and let my kid do what he wanted within those confines.
It must be very hard to have a child in Secular school. I don’t envy the decision you had to make, but I have no doubt it was intentional and in your family’s best interests.
For whoever asked, MO schools absolutely keep within confines of halacha. Once again, MO is frum and keeps Torah-thank for asking.
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amother
Tanzanite
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Yesterday at 2:41 pm
It's very important at this age to get him used to asking a Rav when a real life situation comes up that seemingly contradicts halacha.
May I recommend helping him form a relationship with a Rav now because real life is only just beginning now for him. A Rav with whatsapp is ideal.
You don't want to create a situation where it's you against him, you get final say like a power struggle. A Rav is an objective third party and if your son respects him, you will be saved from a lot of heartache.
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mommy3b2c
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Yesterday at 3:00 pm
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What is against Halacha about a fade ? And my kids don’t have long peyos but they have side burns which are fine halachically and works with a fade . My 15 year old son has a fade. Im a little confused …
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amother
Maple
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Yesterday at 3:02 pm
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A fade is not against Halacha . It’s not a tattoo it’s a style haircut
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mommy3b2c
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Yesterday at 3:04 pm
Mostly covered with his yarmulke . But definitely nothing against Halacha .
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seeker
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Yesterday at 3:08 pm
| amother Babypink wrote: |
For whoever asked, MO schools absolutely keep within confines of halacha. Once again, MO is frum and keeps Torah-thank for asking. |
MO is frum but in my observation MO schools attract a significant number of students who aren't really fully observant, so it's possible to have a conflict between halacha and social norms there. There are also gray areas in halacha where even fully observant MO practice would be against a different community's psak.
But I don't want to hijack the thread. I just think it's naive or sugarcoating or something to say that because MO is a legitimate derech, therefore nobody is going to be socially influenced away from halacha within the walls of an MO institution.
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gr82no
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Yesterday at 3:11 pm
| mommy3b2c wrote: | 
Mostly covered with his yarmulke . But definitely nothing against Halacha . |
Google fade haircut, the images that come up are a zero on the bottom. Your son has less of a fade haircut than I assume her son wants
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amother
Teal
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Yesterday at 3:12 pm
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You can totally do a fade without touching peyos. I work in a MO boys middle school and they all have fades
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