Make me nice again

amother

OP ↓

Yesterday at 5:40 pm

How can I work on being a nicer person (mainly wife). Is there a book I can read or something to listen to. I think I need the daily inspiration. I’m really nice, but lack of sleep and basic daily life seems to put me on edge a little and I need that pick me up. I want my nicer self back

amother

Hibiscus ↓

Yesterday at 5:44 pm

you said it yourself
your a nice person just overwhelmed, tired ect
can you get some house help?

yiddishmom

Yesterday at 6:10 pm

Ok, but also listening to different speeches at different times can really be helpful sometimes.

I sometimes listen to Leah Richheimer (Torah Anytime)
Ruthie Halberdstatd

Maybe Tamar Tabak?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 6:20 pm

Yea but I snap at dh and he doesn’t appreciate it. Yes im overwhelmed but honestly reading about how others work full time no cleaning help etc… and I feel silly.
I work very little and have a bit of cleaning help. Dh always asking “why can’t you etc… what are you busy with?!?” And he is right. I just feel like sometimes the kids go to school and just BEING is enough to pass my whole morning. Does that make sense? I love being a mommy and I’m good at it. But is just having a young tribe and not enough sleep enough to overwhelm someone even without work?

It’s like why am I so overwhelmed? Why can’t I just be nice?

amother

Powderblue

Yesterday at 6:27 pm

It makes sense that you're overwhelmed. Stop judging yourself and take a morning nap every single day.

amother

Mistyrose

Yesterday at 6:44 pm

I can relate to everything you said. For me it was ppd. Low level depression or anxiety
I’m in therapy for it

familyfirst

Yesterday at 6:47 pm

Take a nap
It’ll take the edge off and you’ll be able to function better

amother

↑ Hibiscus

Yesterday at 6:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes
dont compare yourself
get help

intrigued1

Yesterday at 7:09 pm

This was me on the mirena
Got off got significantly better
Still me because I’m human but more manageable

amother

NeonPurple ↓

Yesterday at 7:11 pm

Stop comparing yourself. And stop letting him talk about you this way. Being a wife and mother is very hard work, it takes a lot out of us. When he sees you are stressed does he help or is it beneath him? This sounds like maybe you both don’t respect you enough.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 8:12 pm

I’m feeling very validated but I still wonder.

I don’t have any reason to believe I have ppd or anxiety. I’m very functional and happy in my life. It’s just by the time everyone leaves in the morning and if I don’t have work (freelance so it comes and goes) I either can have a super productive day doing errands and it feels great, or I am home and need to not be doing so much. If I’m not working why am I not organizing everything? Why is there a mess all over (not dysfunctional at all. Just a lot of kids who don’t have the most amazing being neat skills/ they are kids! And it’s just overwhelming for me, one person, to organize the stuffffff of many kids. ) why don’t I clean up? Why don’t I prepare supper early and not rush before kids come home?

You say not to compare but really I wonder- and I know there’s been threads about this- how do moms who work come home with their kids and still function (or they don’t). Why is it normal that with my kids out for many hours and I don’t work, I’m just out of energy some days and just don’t want to do (not in a depressed kinda way, just a regaining energy enjoying quiet type of way).

I understand very well that being up at night is exhausting. And the afternoon and bedtime fun takes a toll. And honestly I enjoy All the craziness and bracha. But without trying to compare, should I be doing more? Or is it ok to be “lazy” in the mornings after they are all off to school and playgroup? I don’t even keep my 1 yo home, even though I hardly work. I just need my own time. How does everyone who keeps their baby/toddlers home so it? Is it just me?!

Dh doesn’t get it. He doesn’t get that even though I have very little responsibility (he really does help out a lot. His job is flexible and close to home so he is around to help a lot bh) why I just feel out of whack. I sometimes can’t hear him properly (is anyone else always thinking of something?!?) and he hates repeating himself. I just don’t have the strength I had 10+ years ago.

I’m not going for therapy. He doesn’t believe I need it. Ha. But I honestly do want to act kinder overall.

I sound like a nutcase lol listening to myself type this. I know I’m all over the place. Feels good to get it out. Tell me im a typical mom who takes care of beautiful neshamos and this is just the side effects!

Dolly Welsh

Yesterday at 8:19 pm

Try drinking less caffeine. Ease up on sugar. Eat more beef and eggs.

When you have a minute alone, just lie on the floor for a few minutes. That tiny rest will help.

dankbar

Yesterday at 8:42 pm

You feel this way because you're husband doesn't value you, and makes you second guess yourself.. .

amother

Nasturtium

Yesterday at 9:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

I relate to this.
There were times were I pushed and did so much in a day. Now I just want to chill. Some days I show up more some days less. But I am not a machine nor am I a structured kind of person.

Regarding your question.
Do you have a loud inner critic? Sometimes when we keep on bashing ourselves inside we end up mad at everyone around us.

I think it's an absolute ok way to be and I belive there are ways to grow and strech your emotioanal tolerance from a kind and compassionate place. While giving yourself the things that help you function well.
In the end of the day raising humans is a huge and important endeavor. Do what you can to make it work for you.

amother

Hyssop ↓

Yesterday at 10:18 pm

I think it’s good that you take the mornings to recharge.
Sometimes we need that down time to be able to be on later.

amother

↑ Hyssop

Yesterday at 10:19 pm

You might find this book interesting
It’s called “the Queen’s code”

amother

Mayflower

Yesterday at 10:45 pm

I agree with all the posters above, just wanted to add:
You want to be nicer? Kinder? More accepting and less likely to snap?
Start by being kinder to yourself. You need down time? That's fine, don't feel guilty about it. Once you are not being critical or judgemental of yourself, you'll probably find that you are nicer to those around you.
If you want to be more productive around the house, make the boring chores fun for you. For me, a good audiobook is my "cleaning lady", so I look forward to what used to cause me to be overwhelmed and resentful is now almost my favorite time of the day.
But don't confuse productive with the end goal, being attuned to what you need so you can feel happy and fulfilled.
And if you specifically want to work on self-growth, I have personally recommend "48 Ways to Wisdom" by Rav Noach Weinberg ztz"l (of Aish Hatorah), each chapter is a stand-alone and can help a busy mom focus on one thing at a time, at any order that works for her. If you can find the audio version even better! :-)

amother

Jetblack

Yesterday at 11:21 pm

amother Hyssop wrote:

You might find this book interesting
It’s called “the Queen’s code”

I looked at reviews a bit.
1. Is it clean?
2. Is it anything like Surrendered Wife?

To OP: take a nap!

amother

↑ OP

Today at 4:26 am

Again I so appreciate every single post.

I value myself and I am not doubting myself or my value. (I was just wondering aloud but not doubting myself). I am actually my biggest fan. I have a very strong inner voice but a positive one not a critic (unless called for). I am my own best friend. I mean it.

But it’s what I’m getting from dh. I need the positivity from him and he just doesn’t get it. Maybe if I’m kinder to his negativity it’ll help bc when I get defensive… it doesn’t help.

He tells me to “grow up and be an adult” when I “complain” about being overwhelmed (see above.. I don’t do much like “other people who work full time”)

He does want le to work more. We could use the money but we are not struggling bh
He doesn’t want me chilling daily.. he wants me to bring in money. I look for work… but only so hard bc really sometimes I feel with this many kids I just need to chill

amother

↑ NeonPurple

Today at 4:41 am

The way he speaks to you is not ok. And you will continue snapping as long as it continues. I really think you need to accept that. The whole dynamic of lack of respect and berating you is very toxic. From both of you.