Parents Nervousness Preventing Child

amother

OP ↓

Today at 12:19 pm

This is a spinoff, really.
Im curious.

Do you think a parent should stop their child from doing something age appropriate that many children their age are doing because the parent is nervous.
Im talking about things that do arguably have a slight risk.

Going to camp?
Crossing the street?
Taking the bus or subway?
Going swimming?
Going to trampoline places, amusement parks, water parks?
Hiking?

My belief is that if the behavior is age-appropriate, there is some safety education and rules, and if a significant portion of the child's peer group is doing it, then the parent should allow it and get help for handling their anxiety. Regardless if the parent sees the behavior as a 'need' or not.

I was surprised how many people on that thread about camps were saying not to send an 8th grade daughter because her father is nervous.

I didn't want to derail that thread any further. So I want to discuss this here.

amother

Myrtle

Today at 12:25 pm

Your examples are all so different and the age makes a difference.

A parent should work through anxiety is really the correct answer but also you don't always need to do whatever everyone is doing. Too tired to explain it well.

amother

Honey ↓

Today at 12:48 pm

If you raise your child that they don't need to fit in and do what everyone is doing, you run significant risk that they will decide they don't have to do what you teach them, either.

I grew up with parents very much like this (basically they wanted us to do whatever they said or whatever made it easier or more convenient for them. The result was we didn't fit in socially, we were misfits.) I have two siblings that went OTD, a few that chose a different Derech....because at a certain point they realize they don't have to follow you either.

JasmineDragon

Today at 12:57 pm

It's a question of what's really normal and developmentally necessary, and of what level of worry is appropriate. I think I the camp thread, people who said it's fine if she doesn't go didn't consider camp necessary for a teenager in the first place, so who cares if it's because the dad is anxious and not because there's no money?

You don't want to raise your children to be scared of everything. It's important for children to have the chance to be independent, to take some risks, and even to experience failures, all at a developmentally appropriate level. But it's hard to give a hard and fast rule about when exactly something is developmentally appropriate.

If you won't let a 14 year old cross the street, that's clearly unhealthy and limiting. If you let a 2 year old cross the street, that's neglectful. So what's the right age to allow it? In Israel it's normal to see kids out and about by themselves at ages that would get CPS called on you in New York.

amother

Latte

Today at 1:00 pm

We are supposed to parent with intention. Parenting based on fear is selfish and controlling. It never works out well in the long run. All that happened is the parent was able to run from their fear instead of confronting it.

amother

↑ OP

Today at 1:11 pm

amother Black wrote:

I don't consider camp necessary for healthy child development (and possibly detrimental) so I don't see the point in taking the risk.

It's not done in other cultures.

The problem with this statement is that maybe your child feels it's important.

We can say this for everything on that list.

I don't think going swimming is so important. So I don't think the risk is worth it.

I don't think going to a trampoline park is developmentally required so I don't think it's worth the risk

It's not a must to drive so better let's not take the risk.

amother

Aubergine

Today at 1:18 pm

amother Honey wrote:

What a sick and sad mentality. Hopefully all kids become independent at some point and make their own choices for what's best for them.

Also, parenting by do what I say/doing whatever is easiest is not the same as raising kids who feel they don't have to do what everyone else is doing. I can see how authoritarian parenting can lead to rebellion but that has nothing to do with teaching your kids they need to do whatever everyone else is doing.

amother

↑ Honey

Today at 1:23 pm

amother Aubergine wrote:

I don't raise my kids that they need to do whatever everyone else is doing. When they tell me of something that's important to them, even if different than everyone else, I assure them it's fine to make some of their own choices.

But when it's about ME, and telling them they don't need to do whatever is important to THEM that is a norm among their peers, I run the risk that they will end up at some point saying I'm going to start doing what's important to ME and my values, and I won't necessarily follow YOUR values.

Forced non-conforming has its risks.

amother

Buttercup

Today at 1:26 pm

I grew up with overprotective parents and struggle to always know how far is appropriate. I usually ask what other parents are doing and see if it is within normal. I also consider what are the risks and potential outcomes and whether it is as big a deal as I think.
I feel it is important that kids feel normal and that they aren't stifled. But I still am probably more protective than some other parents.

amother

Diamond

Today at 1:39 pm

I think that in general, this is a question of hishtadlus and bitachon. You should do as much hishtadlus as is normal. If literally everyone around you thinks that something is fine, and you don't, it may be that you're doing too much hishtadlus.

The exception to this is if you have a good reason to make an exception for a specific child. For example, one of my kids was not allowed to cross the street at an age that the vast majority of his peers were. I had been practicing with him and saw that he was not able to do it safely.

Most of his siblings were ready at a much younger age. In fact, a sibling a couple of years younger than him was ready before him. But he just wasn't ready, regardless of what his peers were doing. It wasn't safe.

That same child is old enough to get a license but still only has a permit. I will allow him to get a license when it's safe for him, regardless of what his siblings did/will do, and of what the government has decided he's old enough to do. I have a good relationship with this child and try not to say no about other things that are less important, and as of now he's been understanding of these safety-related decisions and hasn't pushed back almost at all. Honestly, deep down I think he realizes that he's not ready.

amother

Pink

Today at 1:43 pm

Every mother bird cries as her baby bird flies the complete with wings not yet developed enough to maintain altitude for long but she still let's them go.
Obviously we allow our children these age appropriate independence and privileges with seichel and and an abundance of safety education.
When we know day camp will be going to a water park the following summer we give swimming lessons to child all winter so they will have basic safety skills in advance.
If my neighbors 6 yr old crosses the street, not at light, and takes younger siblings to park doesn't mean I'm OK with doing same. But I can travel train an 8 yr old and teach them clear safety rules...