Baby bonding properly with me , many older siblings

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Infants

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amother

OP ↓

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 1:30 pm

First time mom here dealing with this

Had a baby recently, BH.
There's many older siblings , teens and preteens and all ages.
And everyone wants to hold the baby , for hours and hours on end. They're all so loving and caring and kind of possesive.

I get the baby for nursing and even then there's knocks on the bedroom door - are you done yet, can I have the baby now?
(and the middle of the night wakeups, as long as the crying doesn't wake anyone else - literally get kncks on my bedroom door 2 am- can I try to calm the baby down?)

Will the baby bond properly with me if he gets so little time with me? will he have a solid attachment figure in his life if he's getting passed around this way?
(I joke sometimes that we should sing "pass the ball around and round")

amother

Petunia

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 1:37 pm

What happens during the day when no one's at home?

Also how old is baby? I bet everyone will get pretty bored soon

amother

Cherry

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 1:46 pm

Are you talking about your siblings or the babies siblings?

amother

Slateblue

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 1:49 pm

I'm assuming you've moved into your parents and are one of the first marrieds. It's the novelty factor. This is their new niece/nephew and it's incredibly exciting. It will wear off and you will soon be wishing for more attention.
I'm also assuming you're not planning to live at your parents and will move back home. You will have all the time then.
Baby knows who his mother is. He was inside of you, hearing your voice for all those months. You are the primary caregiver and he will know that.

imaima

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 1:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

Are your kids never at school? That’s when you bond.
I think it’s so beautiful that a baby has so many loving attachment figures. They can have more than one. You are still there mom

amother

Dodgerblue

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 1:57 pm

Yup, it wont last long. Enjoy all the extra help while it lasts.

Iymnok

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 2:55 pm

I had a baby after a long break. So my older kids felt that she was theirs.
I made it clear to my teens that this is my baby, and she knows that I'm her Ima.
I would also tell them that baby is only with you fron 11-7, the whole night.

If these other kids are your step children, I'd make some ground rules for the long term.
If you just had your first and you moved into your parents house, I'd give them the limited privilege of holding the baby. Your bonding is more important than theirs.

imasinger ↓

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 3:06 pm

Psychologically, there's absolutely no need to fear you won't be properly bonded, if the only concern is too many "helpers".

That being said, you don't have to be a doormat.

I suggest you think together with DH about what boundaries make sense.

Among other things:

- it is totally not okay to knock on your door at 2 am, even in trying to be helpful. Teens and preteens need their sleep. Anyone who knocks in the wee hours loses holding privileges for (you decide how long).

- Nobody knocks on the door when you've gone in to nurse, if you do, you also lose holding privileges.

- OP, you are allowed to say firmly, "I myself haven't had any cosy baby time, it's my turn now, you can come back in 30 minutes (or whatever)" once in a while.

Mazel tov!

mommyhood

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 3:09 pm

I felt this way after one of my babies were born but my fears were totally unfounded, baby was very attached to me even with being held by everyone else and the benefits of having older kids around to help are amazing.

giftedmom

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 4:10 pm

It’ll be totally fine don’t worry. A child can never get too much love. He will always know who his mother is as long as you are a steady presence in his life.

amother

Chambray

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 4:27 pm

I've had that both with my siblings and with my own children.
I think being first time mom and having siblings coddling and taking over as a new insecure mom was very hard.
As a mom with children who loved their new sibling it has been wonderful. Yes there where a few odd moments where big sibs came into master bedroom in middle of night to care for baby who was whimpering and I thought was falling asleep and was then picked up and taken out of crib, or baby picked up just because and woken. On a whole having many big hands who are excited to help with all tasks from feeding to dressing and taking out for walk has been immensely helpful. Baby loves mom and definitely knows I'm number one. But baby is also so loved and cared for by many wonderful big sibs . Downside being alone with mom when I'm busy in house is very hard as baby doesn't know how to occupy self without siblings around

amother

Stonewash ↓

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 4:29 pm

If you're a first time mom then whose siblings are these? Yours? Do you not have your own home?

amother

Kiwi

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 4:33 pm

Are the kids your siblings or the babys siblings..totally different responses..

amother

NeonOrange

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 4:33 pm

amother Stonewash wrote:

If you're a first time mom then whose siblings are these? Yours? Do you not have your own home?

She could be a step mom to other children.

amother

Clear

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 5:06 pm

amother Stonewash wrote:

If you're a first time mom then whose siblings are these? Yours? Do you not have your own home?

Same question. OP I’m confused. Is you have so many other kids how are you a first time mom? Or is this just the first time you’re dealing with this?

amother

Crimson

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 6:23 pm

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

Yup, it wont last long. Enjoy all the extra help while it lasts.

This!!
Please enjoy the extra help, you're lucky to have the extra hands, it sounds like this baby will be very loved & I'd try to maybe let go of the attachment theories you may have picked up? Thats my opinion. You're their mother, and this baby is getting a lot of additional love from others. Enjoy getting extra opportunities to rest!!

amother

Papaya

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 8:45 pm

amother NeonOrange wrote:

She could be a step mom to other children.

That's what I assumed from reading OP. My baby has a bunch more older siblings than I gave birth to :-)

They still love him a lot but they have way less patience for him over time. Especially once he became higher maintenance. Sounds like OP's baby is still new and easy to cuddle.

Older siblings also tend to go to school a bunch of the time. If you're at work the whole time they're at school it doesn't help.

OP, if you feel you're not getting enough time with your baby then it's absolutely fine to assert that. If baby finishes nursing and big sis says "ok he's done I'll take him now" you can say, "I'm spending time with him now, I'll bring him out to you in a little while." You can also spend time with them together. You're the mom and while you do need to share this baby, you don't need to let the rest of the family run amok with him. Be generous but stay in control.

I'm saying this for the health of your family dynamics and your own personal comfort. I think the baby will know exactly who his mother is and will attach just fine regardless. No such thing as too much love and attention at this age. But it's not good for you to let the others walk all over you. Talk to dh about it, too, so he doesn't end up accidentally undermining you.

bnm

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 8:51 pm

You need a doors are shut/baby is off limits time.

amother

Plum

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 9:25 pm

I have three sisters who absolutely adore my baby and in no way that it interfere with the bonding.

You're still doing the nursing, waking up at night, taking care of all the babies needs etc

Take all the help you can.

amother

Hibiscus

Sat, Nov 09 2024, 9:30 pm

I would not appreciate the 2am knock on my door, and I think it’s important for you to set boundaries sooner than later

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