Step families and simchos

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 7:19 pm

If your parent or husband's parent got remarried *after you were already out of the house*, to what extent do you participate in the step family's simchos, and also lhavdil levayos and Shiva?

If a step sibling makes an upsherin or bar mitzvah, do you go to every one as if it were a sibling? Does it make a difference if it's local or you need to travel? Do you bring your kids? Dress up like close family? Stay for the whole thing?

What about weddings? Take along the entire family all bedecked from beginning to end or stop in the way you would for a friend or acquaintance? Participate fully in a shabbos aufruf or Sheva brachos or pass?

If the step parent's parent or sibling passes away chv, is it expected for you to go to the levaya and Shiva even if you never/briefly met the person who passed away?

Eta: all the kids were out of the house already, married with big kids of their own when the parents got married. On both sides. The simchos are not the step sibling having a bar mitzvah or getting married, it's the step siblings making a bar mitzvah for their own child or marrying off their child.

amother

Eggshell

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 7:26 pm

Somewhere in between a sibling and an acquaintance. Maybe like a first cousin. Each occasion is different though. When a step sibling gets married I dress like a first cousin and my kids dress like by an aunt or uncle but I wouldn’t make such a big effort to bring my toddler. When my step brother is bar mitzvah I go but I wouldn’t bring my kids. I usually go where I’m invited and figure out specifics on the fly. Things just feel less serious. Levayah and shivah of a step-grandparent id definitely attend out of respect to my step-parent.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 7:30 pm

amother Eggshell wrote:

Thanks

amother

Brown

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 7:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

Gonna edit my post for clarity but it's not the step siblings getting married, they were all married by the time the parent got married. It's the step siblings making a bar mitzvah for their child/marrying off their child.

I know my father makes an effort to go wish mazel tov when invited, which is not very often. She had a large family, my grandfather came with his own large family, nearly everyone was married and there wasn't any reason for the 2 families to mingle much. The grandchildren of either family don't even know each other.
So if my step uncle married ofc or makes bar mitzvah, there's very little attendence from our family.

amother

Steelblue

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 7:35 pm

My parent got remarried after I was married. They didn't live in the same city as me. I would attend a their children's weddings out of respect for step parent. My husband and I drove in when step parent was sitting shiva. bas mitzvahs and simular smaller things it was too hard to travel too but if I was local I would have went.

amother

Apricot

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 7:37 pm

amother OP wrote:

Local bar-mitzvahs and weddings we attend, but our kids are not bridesmaids for each other. Out of town weddings, sometimes my husband goes to show his father support, but we don't go as a family. The local step-siblings we know, it's not such a large community so it seems normal to go, but the ones in different cities, we don't really know as our parents married well after all the kids were adults and out the house.

We do call tho, send a gift etc, and acknowledge etc.

Hope this is helpful OP.

notshanarishona

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 8:07 pm

It depends on your relationship.
No one right answer.
I don’t go in for every siblings small simcha either unless it’s local . It’s part of having a large family. I will attend every local kiddush but not necessarily an upsherin. Weddings I don’t think you have to bring your kids as nieces and nephews (ie in gowns) for a step siblings kid. I would think you or your husband should go.

amother

Charcoal

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 8:23 pm

My grandfather remarried when I was 14.
We lived a 3 hour plane ride away from my grandparents and her married children.

My mother would send her step siblings and invitation for bar mitzvahs and weddings and they'd send gifts. They'd do the same for their bar mitzvahs and weddings.

My aunt and uncle who lived much closer to the step siblings would attend the weddings- but as an acquaintance. Meaning come for some, wish mazel Tov, dance a bit, leave.
Similar for bar mitzvahs.

My grandparents always made a huge joint Chanukah Party and huge summer barbecue, so over the years the families did get closer
But never closer than a cousin.

tweety1

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 8:45 pm

A sibling of mine is remarried after spouse passed away. The married kids don't miss a simcha from the step parents side. The step parent joined when there were some little kids, some married. I don't know if the go to the usherins, but definitely tenoim, wedding, Sheva bruchas. They join the parents by the step grand parents home for yt, chanuka parties etc. The kids consider the step family like their regular aunt, uncle , cousins.

Chayalle

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 9:06 pm

I pop in for a few minutes to local simchos with DH. Don't take the kids.

ETA this would be for Bar Mitzvah or IYH weddings (they aren't up to that but they came to say Mazal Tov at my DDs' weddings, I did same for Bar Mitzvah.) I wouldn't go to an Upsherin or smaller event at all.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 9:17 pm

amother Navy wrote:

Really depends on the relationship, I have lots and lots of first cousins, some I've flown out of town for their wedding, some I barely showed up when it was around the corner.
So it'll depend.

Are these step first cousins?

amother

↑ Navy

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 9:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

Are these step first cousins?

No, I think I pressed send before I was finished.
My point is that it's not the fact that someone is a relative that makes you go, it's the relationship.

Currently my kids are half siblings with my husbands kids from his first marriage. Their grandparents are incredibly close with my kids even though they are no relation (parents of his first wife). We join in their simchas and they join in ours, with gowns and all. But it depends on the relationship

amother

Feverfew

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 10:35 pm

My grandfather remarried when I was young. Her family lives far away. I really never had anything to do with them, even though I am very close with my step-grandmother.

I guess the relationship would probably be similar to second cousins. You know of them, you might send them invitations, you're definitely excited when you end up in the same camp/ neighborhood/ airplane as them. But you don't go out of your way to attend their events and you don't call them for no reason.

Not saying what's right either way, this is just what my experience was.

Happens to be. My parents got closer to them recently because as my grandparents age they have to coordinate much more for their care

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 11:02 pm

amother Navy wrote:

Got it. Thanks!

amother

Honey

Fri, Nov 01 2024, 2:56 am

There's no one answer.
In my family, we really have nothing to do with my mother's husband's kids. None of us live near each other. We barely know each other.

My mom has a friend who married when all involved kids were married but they all live near each other and the new married couple bought a huge house and invite the married kids at the same time for shabbos and YT and they treat their kids and grandchildren as one big happy family.

amother

Quince

Fri, Nov 01 2024, 3:46 am

Like another above said, we treat them like cousins.
Since we live oot not many things apply to us, we generally get invited to bar mitzvas, but since we live far we don't attend. If we're local, like during yt then we'd definitely pop into a kiddush etc.

When my actual step bil got married we all went to the wedding as though it was our bil's wedding. (I didn't bring my toddlers but I wore a gown etc)

amother

Cornsilk

Fri, Nov 01 2024, 8:55 am

amother Honey wrote:

I think sometimes the remarried couple sets the tone. Your Mom's friend did that.
My father remarried a few years ago - all kids on both sides already married, some of my siblings already grandparents (!). None of us are looking for step-parents or step-siblings at this point, but to be polite I will stop in to say mazal tov for a local simcha, and so do they. Those not local I don't even send or receive an invitation.....