Would you have joined them?

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 2:42 pm

I work in a mostly male office (all frum jews) and they invited me to join them in the conference room for lunch today. They ordered lunch and were convincing me to join. I declined and stayed in my room instead. They usually order in lunch around once a month. They seemed upset I didn't join them.
Would you have joined or not? If not, why not and how would you decline?

amother

Rainbow

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 2:45 pm

I wouldn’t want to work in the office as the only female and would not want to join a lunch with mostly frum males and me the only female. Never. Just not my cup of tea.

Notsobusy

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 2:48 pm

If it's only males, then no. If there are other women and I could sit with them, separate from the men, then yes.

amother

Denim ↓

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 2:49 pm

My team is almost entirely male - right now there's one other woman - but there were years when it was just me and a bunch of men. I would have joined them. Probably chatted less and done more of my work but I would have joined, and also chatted a bit.

amother

Blue

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 2:51 pm

I wouldn’t sit down to eat. If it wouldn’t be perceived as rude I would get food and eat it in my own room… I’m a real foodie.

taketwo

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 2:51 pm

I would have helped myself to some food, holding my plate I'd probably remind myself of something I need to quickly get done at my desk and take my food with.

theoneandonly ↓

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 2:53 pm

If I were the only woman- I would have gone in, said hi to everyone, taken food, and left.
If there were another woman there- I would have gone in and sat next to her.

amother

Eggplant

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 3:28 pm

I would have joined. But things are generally professional at my frum firm and I would have kind of stayed a bit to the side but been a team member.

I'm thinking back now to some teams that have had 1 female at times and generally they were asked to invite another female from another team to join.

amother

Lightcyan ↓

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 3:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

If they were all men, then, of course not. Were other females from work invited/convinced to join as well? Did they ? Do these men cross any other boundaries?

You write that "mostly male", how many females? And why not order-in lunch for the women in your workplace?

amother

Indigo ↓

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 3:56 pm

I'm surprised that a bunch of frum males tried insisting that a female sit down to lunch with them. Unless you're not the only woman there.

amother

Ruby

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 4:07 pm

amother Indigo wrote:

I'm surprised that a bunch of frum males tried insisting that a female sit down to lunch with them. Unless you're not the only woman there.

OP said "mostly male" so by definition there is at least one other female. Maybe they wanted her to join not just for herself, but perhaps because then they could convince the other female(s) to join as well.

amother

Lightblue

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 4:38 pm

I don’t know depends what my job is like.
If I’m new and having a hard time transitioning then yes.
If I need some work allies (problem with the boss or other coworker) then yes
If I often work with them more closely and not mostly alone then yes.
Otherwise no

amother

↑ Indigo

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 4:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

One other female in the office.

So you can join & sit with her.

amother

Calendula

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 6:15 pm

I would join. Since there are several men, the chances that the conversation would be inappropriate is almost zero. I would keep to myself of course, but I feel like declining sets you aside from the team.

amother

Burlywood

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 6:20 pm

I left a job because of too many nisyonos on such a level.
In your position, I would for sure not join. Every friendly action w the males can lead to closer relationship/s= dangerous! today its this, tomorrow its that. stick away!!
Perhaps, I would go in before everyone and get my portion of food (cant miss that) and it it by my private desk.
I only spoke to my male cowoekers about business itself, very very difficult and very important........

amother

Vanilla

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 6:37 pm

I would join and sit with the other woman. If I was the only woman, I would not.

I personally hate work lunches. I don't want to be friends with coworkers. I just want to do my job and go home.

↑ theoneandonly

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 6:47 pm

amother OP wrote:

One other female in the office.

She may have gone in expecting you to join her.

amother

Gardenia ↓

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 6:52 pm

Depends if it is a working lunch or social lunch. If it isn’t working and casual shmoozing I’d say for sure not.

I’m the only female on a male team. But I’m the only jew and eat kosher so the dynamics are so different.