Invited yeshiva bochurim for meals and did not show up

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Oct 30 2024, 10:42 pm

We were in Israel for Sukkos and some boys asked for meals. We told them which meal we had space for them and they confirmed they were coming. They did not show up and never called or text. We spent alot of money on takeout. We would of gave the spot to another boy if they were honest that they were not showing up.

amother

Birch

Wed, Oct 30 2024, 11:08 pm

They may have gone to a Kiddush somewhere and then decided they were having a good time and didn’t feel the need to show up. Very rude and inconsiderate. The parents and yeshivas need to get on this . We all need to be raising better young men so they will mature into responsible considerate adults

amother

Ruby

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 12:00 am

I’ve had this happen to me ( it wasn’t an accident-they decided to take a last minute invitation in shul) and my husband made sure to rebuke them. They are local bachurim by me and they never did it again. Sorry you had to be part of their learning lesson but think of it as a zchus , you’re doing chessed for another family who may fall victim, if you choose to rebuke them.

amother

Mistyrose ↓

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 1:32 am

I would call to find out if everything is ok, and if they say yes, just decided to sponaneously change plans, let them know it is not ok.
I live in Israel in a large yishuv near Jerusalem, and a few years ago this happened: right before Shabbat DH came across a few yeshiva bochurim walking around with their luggage looking lost. He went over to see if they needed directions to their hists, and it turned out that they didn't have one - they just got on a bus and were told by some friends in Yeshiva, just go and someone will invite you. Well, it was almost Shabbos and DH asked me if there was any way we could host them last minute. We do have a nice guest room that was unoccupied but it was a small Shabbos, just is and two kids, we had just enough food for is. But Jews needed a place to stay and I would say no??
So DH and I scrambled to defrost some food from the freezer, make some quick dishes and make up the beds.
The boys came, they here from the US for a year and were very nice. I was a bit unsure of this whole setup but went out of my way to make them welcome.
Then in the daytime, my husband came home from shul alone. The boys had managed to get a spontaneous day meal invitation frim someone they had just met in shul so informed my DH that they wouldn't be joining us for the day meal, so not to wait for them.
Honestly, they were nece boys, but the lack of awareness was shocking.
I was very upset, and this was one more experience that caused me to often say no to hosting seminary students and yeshiva boys when asked.
I only share this because if you send a son or daughter to Israel, maybe you can make sure they have awareness of this issue, which is not ok.

amother

Lemon ↓

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 1:48 am

amother OP wrote:

So disappointing!! You prepared, waited, were frustrated...May Hashem reward your efforts and see your intentions as fully keeping the mitzvah of Hachnassas Orchim. Hashem will take care of the money too, may you see a bracha from what you spent.
You are good people.

We were once invited out, and when we showed, the hostess told us she completely forgot. These things happen. I hope you can move on. Who knows what happened.

As parents, it's a good idea to share these stories with your kids so they know how the other side feels.

justforfun87

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 3:24 am

Say something! I remember I was once rebuked as a 12 year old when I canceled on a babysitting job cause I wanted to go to a party or whatever it was. Honestly that rebuking from the mom made such an impact on me I have since become a person who believes If I commit to something I don't cancel.

amother

Hyacinth ↓

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 5:02 am

I lived in Israel as a newlywed. I was experiencing an extremely difficult first trimester with diagnosed HG while working overtime in order to afford basic living expenses.
A group of guys who were close with my husband called for a seudah and I agreed to push myself. I worked sooo hard, spent money, prepared tons of food I couldn’t bare to smell feeling sick as anything.
The guys didn’t show up.
Turns out, they got a last minute invitation to a seudah with someone rich visiting Israel - at a hotel - so of course they couldn’t say no to that.
So yeah , this happens. As a parent now, I try to make sure to teach my kids middos from a young age ….

amother

↑ Lemon

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 6:01 am

amother Hyacinth wrote:

I hope the boys apologized to your husband and the leftovers went to good use.
The kids have this stigma of being opportunistic and spoiled. This why many Israelis don't like hosting them, its a thankless chessed.

amother

Sienna

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 7:37 am

amother Mistyrose wrote:

[u]

That's ridiculous. What terrible advice.

amother

↑ Mistyrose

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 7:51 am

amother Sienna wrote:

[u]

That's ridiculous. What terrible advice.

I totally agree!
Apparently it was a "done thing" in that (large, well-known yeshiva) that the more advenerous boys did to get more of "the Israel experience". At least that's what the boys told us, and it was also the reason they mentioned when they came back from their afternoon meal why they went somewhere else last minute (we didn't ask).

amother

↑ Hyacinth

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 8:57 am

I was discussing this with a relative of mine - he was in a ‘top’ brand name yeshiva and guys did this all the time.
He said that he tried mentioning to dorm mates how it is a lot of work for hosts and it behooves bachurim to express appreciation and to be as respectful as possible.
The guys laughed at him and said doesn’t he realize - that ‘no one does extra anyhow, everyone prepares for shabbos’ and that they ‘are doing hosts a favor, people are so bored and hope for company’
SO sad .
Anyhow this relative of mine discussed with someone in the yeshiva that maybe there should be a shmooze about this and was brushed off…
Sad to say , sweet bachur lost respect for this brand name yeshiva and is now wary of anything officially ‘brand name’ or ‘top’

amother

Oldlace

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 9:01 am

amother Hyacinth wrote:

That's so sad. I guess none of these guys ever helped with Shabbos preparations at home, otherwise they would have to have some idea of what goes into it.

mathbrain

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 10:13 am

We actually had the opposite once when we lived in Israel. We were supposed to host 4 bochurim for Shabbos Day meal, right b4 my husband came home from shul, my son fell and needed stitches on his head. We waited about 15 minutes for the first guy to show up, showed him where all the food was, and told them to make their own meal in our house without us. Was definitely an odd experience.

That being said, I didn’t enjoy hosting seminary girls (other than relatives) because of the amount of leftovers I had afterwards. I worked hard to make good food, you want to see it eaten. The upside was that after Shabbos/yom tov, I usually had a cousin and sometimes his friends come over to polish off my leftovers.

amother

Puce

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 10:30 am

I’m so sorry that this happened to you. You opened up your home and wallet with the greatest intentions. This is a very disappointing situation.

I really hope it wasn’t my son. Honestly, he is not in the best place emotionally and is in a yeshiva for boys like him. I think it was hard for these boys to arrange 6 meals each time and they might have booked and a friend also reserved and they didn’t realize until yt that they were double booked.
OR
If it was simchas Torah , they had a double simchas Torah and probably got drunk and fell asleep somewhere…
I did say they were somewhat troubled and a little messed up…
I’m sure this happened to more than one group of boys and it’s very unfortunate. I’m not defending them at all. I’m just explaining where these boys are coming from.
And if it’s my son I truly apologize on his behalf and I thank you for inviting him and giving him the peace of mind going into Yom Tov knowing that he had a place for all the meals. Even if he didn’t show up.

(I hope it wasn’t him!)

amother

Honeydew

Thu, Oct 31 2024, 10:48 am

My ds is in Yeshiva now. He created a calendar before Yom tov and printed out walking directions to all people he was eating by. He also purchased a gift.

The only place he had an issue accessing was my parents apartment Can't Believe It

. He forgot the outside combination. Took a while for someone to open the door for him.

Unless ds was sick, I can't imagine him not showing up.