WWYD? Slob guests | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 7:35 pm

I have a guest room that I frequently let neighbors and friends use. It's a nice room and very private, so it gets a lot of use. Most guests are very grateful and considerate and I'm happy to do it.

A friend asked me to put up her newlywed brother over Yom Tov. I've had some of her family members before and agreed. But this couple left an unbelievable mess in my room (seriously, like you can't believe that people would actually not be embarrassed to leave a room in that state - garbage all over the floor and counters, blankets and wet towels dumped on the carpet, spills, and they even left a pair of underwear lying in middle of the room TMI

) They took things from my house and didn't bother to return them. Never stopped by to say hello or thank you.

I'm so grossed out and turned off. I couldn't imagine people living like this. (And please don't start with "oh, maybe she's pregnant, cut her some slack" - I didn't describe the entire mess and it was literally disgusting, there is no excuse.)

My problem is this. I won't tell my friend what happened, she'd be mortified. But how do I handle it in the future? She often hosts big family gatherings and she'll ask me if she can put "someone" up at my house. I'd gladly host most of her relatives but not these... but if I ask "who do you want to stay here?" she'll know something's up (I never usually ask).

WWYD?

amother

Snapdragon

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 7:44 pm

Honestly, tell her what happened. If I were asking people to host someone in my family who behaved like that I’d want to know so I could stop asking people to host them and so I could could apologise on their behalf.

I would also be having a word to the guests to let them know that their behaviour as guests was unacceptable. It would be a huge favour to them to learn this lesson now so they can improve their middos.

119

amother

DarkGray

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 7:55 pm

I would say something. It’s not right what they did. If they are newlyweds they need to lean that it’s unacceptable to treat someone’s home that way and how to behave like adults.

If legit stains on carpet they should pay for it. Saying this as someone that also has a private guest room and hosts a lot.

amother

Maize

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 7:56 pm

Id say I'd love to host and casually ask who she had in mind.
If she mentions that couple, I would leave very clear instructions like it's an Airbnb.
"Towels should be hung up to dry after each use"
"All garbage should be placed in the garbage"

Etc.

Even make it dumby friendly by telling them exactly where to hang the towels and where the garbage is.

Also tell your friend they should knock on your door and you will show them where to go. This way they are forced to say hi.

amother

Celeste

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 8:00 pm

I’ll be the weirdo to say - consult a rav! Had this with a neighbor who put her son by me over a YT and I got a subtle vibe that maybe her relationship with her son was drop strained based on some comments she made. She’s a sweetie and I don’t want to cause her anymore hard (and also didn’t want to speak LH) by telling her they were bad company. I asked my rav what to do and he gave me good advice. Good luck

amother

Plum

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 8:12 pm

I once had that. Hosted my neighbor's relatives. They left the place a mess(not as bad as OP is describing bh, just not cleaned!) I had asked that they put linen back on the beds because we were driving thru the night to get home and it wasn't done, not vacuumed...it was more than just a week end.
I didn't say anything to my neighbor but was not happy.
The year after she asked me again and I said "oh no, it's not going to work out!"
She said: "they left a mess? Yeah that's why I didn't want them to sleep by me!!!" Surprised

amother

↑ Magenta ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 8:21 pm

Op you may want to let your friend know so you aren’t both put in an awkward situation in the future
Like we love to host but I can’t if certain conditions aren’t met…something parve no need to detail but clear
Only because it’s worse if she is going to repeatedly ask you and especially if you wil do it but not this couple and a heads up is better for whoever does end up hosting his couple let the friend/sister tell the couple the rules if they want to join in the simcha
Hatzlocha

amother

Brunette

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 8:22 pm

amother Plum wrote:

Wait you expected them to vacuum??? I’ve never done that as a guest! I wouldn’t even know where the vacuum is! Am I supposed to go traipsing around their house, snooping through everything, to find the vacuum?

Queen Of Hearts ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 8:24 pm

amother Plum wrote:

That's horrible!
So you're supposed to deal with the mess of her relatives?! Tbh I would never host a guest of hers again if she was able to fool you in like that.

Regarding OPs situation I would consult daas Torah.
The sad part is it's people like these who ruin our trust in humanity. How can people behave like this? When I'm a guest I make sure to leave the room as clean (or even cleaner) than I got it.

amother

Cognac

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 10:34 pm

Just wanted to say how nice it is that you host so much! Even when they are good guess and even when it is a private place it’s not always easy and getting everything ready his pretty hard. Just getting ready for my kids it’s not so simple. Well at least over the holidays with everything going on felt like I barely managed to keep on top of my house. I wash the sheets and blankets for my kids and have them put them on the bed themselves. I had to tell my kids to clean up a little bit when they leave but they did listen I can’t imagine if it was a guest, a huge mess so not OK. I would definitely say something to your friend.

↑ Queen Of Hearts ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 10:40 pm

imaima wrote:

Seems like they felt like they were in a hotel were an anonymous person will clean up their mess. I would tell your friend. Frame it like itself important for their own sake, so they don’t embarrass themselves like this again.

I wouldn't leave such a mess behind even in a hotel!

DrMom ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 11:07 pm

imaima wrote:

Who leaves a hotel room in such a state? Other than a drugged up rock star?

I also vote for informing her friend. Take photos so she knows you are not exaggerating. It's important that she knows so she can inform them next time they need a place to stay that they should leave the guestroom tidy (or at least not a disaster zone).

amother

Tulip ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 11:11 pm

I would not agree to host this couple again. If you don’t want to get into specifics with your friend, just say that that the date doesn’t work for you. I think it’s okay to post a polite list in a lucite frame that says something like: Welcome to our home. It is our pleasure to host you for this Simcha. Please help us by following our house rules so that we can keep our space clean and keep hosting in the future. 1) There are hooks for the towels in the bathroom. Please do not leave wet towels on any surfaces or the beds. 2) Please do not eat in the guest room. We have provided coffee and tea in the kitchen and some snacks. Please help yourself 3)Please make sure that garbage is deposited in the cans that are in the bedroom and bathroom. 4) We are a shoes off household. We have provided disposable slippers in the closet for you. 5) Our septic system is delicate. Please only flush toilet tissue provided. You will find small bags for disposing of hygiene products under the sink6) Please strip sheets and leave on top of beds when you are departing.… (You get the idea)
We’ve had a range of guests from incredibly respectful to incredibly obnoxious. You can be certain that the obnoxious ones were never hosted again. We have always tried to be good guests. We were once hosted by the loveliest retired couple with a brand new magnificent house. Each of us had a private bedroom and bathroom. I had my kids take off their shoes and told them to be extra careful in the bathroom. At the end, the hosts invited us to stay with them during the next family Simcha , so I think we did okay.

abound ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 11:22 pm

I would get the couples number and in a very kind and respectful way tell them what they did was wrong. Tell them you have hosted before including ppl from the family. You dont want to tell his sister what happenned because you dont want to embarass them, but this is not ok.
I would assume that they will never do it again after that call.

amother

Lily ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 11:38 pm

Can she mechanech them? I don’t think so. I think it will only cause friction.
I don’t think I would say anything as no good would come (but not that I wouldn’t want to!!)
Next time she has family-if it’s just them say you are unavailable and if it is more people, try a positive spin-I love your sisters Chani and Devorah. I would be happy to host either of them. (Nicer way of saying-not this couple).

Unfortunately, that dumps them on someone else. I would try to find a way at that point to tell her that she needs to tell them to behave like proper guests in the next person’s home.

Unfortunately, I don’t think putting up signs is going to help at all.