Double Take. Sukkos Edition

amother

Iris ↓

Sat, Oct 26 2024, 10:37 pm

I actually think that the DIL is wrong for lashing out at her MIL like this. No one asked her to take the pressure of their yom tov on herself. She decided on her own to take the pressure upon herself. She offered her help. If it was getting too much for her, she should have said something before, instead of bursting out at her MIL like that.

amother

Jade ↓

Sat, Oct 26 2024, 10:54 pm

There are organized personalities and easy going personalities.
It is totally understandable for the organized people to feel resentful that they end up bearing the brunt when the easy going people need their help last minute.

It is totally understandable for the easy goings to feel stressed when the organizeds pressure them.

What is not acceptable is for an organized person to lash out at a request. The mother in law did not ask repeatedly for the paper goods. She did not guilt her dil. She did not demand.

A simple 'sorry, I can't' would have sufficed.

amother

Pewter

Sat, Oct 26 2024, 11:01 pm

Most relatable double take ever.
Exactly me and my in law fam. I never lash out but I do have resentment when I work hard to come into YT calmly and everyone else’s chaos really ends up affecting us. This happens a lot when we do pesach in Orlando together. Bh as mature adults we all communicate and try to be mature but diff personalities will clash

amother

Firebrick

Sat, Oct 26 2024, 11:02 pm

I thought the mil was an idiot. Things just working out means someone had to put in extra effort somewhere. The dil was 1.watching other ppls babies at 2. her business' busiest time, and the mil "just asked" her son to pitch in with the sukkah and the paper goods. He should be helping his wife who saw it all coming and kept trying to fit every thing in as well as be nice about helping with extras. Instead she got all the stress while the clueless mil was like oh it'll all work out. No it didn't just work out. It worked out because the dil didn't have the support she knew she really needed and tried her darnedest to get. She was taken advantage of and used, and the husband got stuck in the middle and put his wife last because his mother is an airhead. If it was me, I'd be fuming.

amother

DarkViolet ↓

Sat, Oct 26 2024, 11:06 pm

Dil was paying for their lack of organization and thought. Her husband was running around putting up their succah, buying their arba minim, shopping for them, while she had her sil's toddler on top of her own kids while trying to run her yuntif-centered parnassa. She's not trying to change them, but how much effort does it take always to have the basics figured out?

If she hadn't been on top of the apartment they likely wouldn't have had that either.

And it's very very hard to say "no I'm sorry I can't" and walk away not feeling resentful and angry and guilty. I haven't mastered this and I can understand her frustration.

amother

Mayflower

Sat, Oct 26 2024, 11:32 pm

amother Firebrick wrote:

She didn't HAVE to though. The meat and chicken order the apartment none of that had to fall on her head.
She took it upon herself. Even the kids im sure there were neighbors they could have gone to.

amother

Hawthorn ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 12:09 am

amother Firebrick wrote:

This this this. My in-laws are soooo like this I could totally see this story happening. I just don’t lash out like that. At least not to my mother in law.

amother

↑ Hawthorn

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 12:11 am

amother Mayflower wrote:

She didn't HAVE to though. The meat and chicken order the apartment none of that had to fall on her head.
She took it upon herself. Even the kids im sure there were neighbors they could have gone to.

But if she didn’t, they would not have found a good apt walking distance to her and she wouldn’t be able to spend yt with her in-laws who never come. And if she didn’t take care of the meat and chicken in advance they prob would’ve asked her hub to take care of it when they came and then he can’t help her. And really, which neighbors are watching someone else’s kid erev yt? So no, she doesn’t have to but then has other problems. Coming to Israel before yt without planning properly is crazy

amother

Navy

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 12:16 am

What disorganized people won't admit is that they end up relying on others to save them at the last minute. As much as they say they like things simple, they still need certain things to happen and there's not enough time to do everything last minute.

Signed, the disorganized person in the relationship.

amother

↑ Jade ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 12:20 am

amother Firebrick wrote:

So the lesson is if you are easy going, don't you dare ask anyone for a favor?

I don't see how it's the mil fault for asking, not demanding.
If my husband really did put me last, I'd be fuming. But not at anyone who dared to ask for a favor. I'd be fuming at him.

But chas vshalom someone should be mad at her husband in one of these stories. It always has to be that she is mad at her sister, mother, friend or mil.

amother

↑ Jade ↓

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 12:25 am

amother Firebrick wrote:

If you are a healthy person, it really isn't so complicated to say "sorry, I can't" when you really can't do something.
If you find that infuriating, then I suggest you practice a lot.

amother

↑ Jade

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 12:27 am

amother Navy wrote:

This is proof that sometimes the kindest thing is for the other people to kindly and politely say no.

amother

Impatiens

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 4:25 am

No one except DIL did any planning.

MIL is so disorganized and expected everyone to do something for her.
She kept asking her son for help. Phones, sukkahs, lulav, breakfast, groceries... sorry but "everything coming together in the end" means that someone else will do it.

The 2 sisters/sisters in law expected others to help with watching the siblings. Right before YT. Yes, it is normal to ask but they also knew the babies were coming and could have helped in advance- buying non perishables or baking in advance. (Unless it was Pre Pesach where you can't cook in advance of course). They knew for 9 months and since July that parents were coming and how many to expect.

Husband should have told his parents he couldn't help. But how could he say no if his parents were going to be hungry and without a phone? A sukkah?

And where were the other husbands who could help with any of this? If MIL was watching the post partum women and babies- and they weren't cooking since she was- why couldn't they build the sukkah they needed just as much? Get lulavim? Go to the grocery ever?

Yes, DIL could have said no but at the same time it was still a pressure for her. Her family had to eat and she had to know if they could plan to eat with the family. Did she have to make the meals? What if there wasn't food her family liked if they "just did roast potatoes and not kugels"?

amother

↑ Oleander

Sun, Oct 27 2024, 4:56 am

I think that the MIL was completely wrong here. The DIL realizes that the other two are going to be out of commission come YT and she really couldn’t help them so she tried her hardest to help her MIL in advance as that was the only way she could help. The problem was the MIL didn’t have the foresight to take advantage and figured that the SIL and DIL will just pitch in at the end which wasn’t really possible. The DIL took initiative and did whatever she could think of in advance and feel like she really did her share. She lashes out because the way her MIL spoke to her made it sound like whatever she had done wasn’t even needed and was her fault for even offering when really the MIL was relying on others, possibly without even realizing that was her plan.