Gemachs and pride/shame

↑ notshanarishona

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 2:32 am

I am sorry you are struggling. That is literally what the gemachs are for. Frum life is expensive, especially this time of year.
That being said you can buy a child’s coat for $30. They don’t need down. Kids typically grow out of coats every year or two anyway, it’s not a investment that needs to last

camp123

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 3:17 am

Good for you for paying tuition. You should feel proud that you are doing this despite it effecting your life. One day Hashem will pay you back. In the meantime walk proudly, head held up high right into the gemach. And let's hope other people see you and learn from you how to prioritize.

tree of life

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 4:58 am

Hi I was the one who posted about gemachim
I work there and get a salary to
I to was thinking is it far to the from the gemach as I get payed and my husband has a job
But do you no what goes in to a gemach you are actually supporting all the workers as well done rely on it for food etc
So when I buy something from the gemachim I'm not taking away from others as BH there are plenty of clothes you are supporting a lot of people with dignity
If someone is embarrassed please speak to the person in charge and they maybe could do after hrs and open I certainly will if needed pm me

imaima

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 5:28 am

amother OP wrote:

We’re making a middle class salary but after tuition we are downright poor. We make to much to be on any government programs.
I grew up “comfortable” I.e my parents weren’t philanthropists but we had daily cleaning help, had a nice house, the whole fam went to Israel every year and while there we took taxis everywhere and ate almost every meal in a restaurant.
There’s an identity issue here where I refuse to believe I’m “THAT” poor that I’d have to go to a Gemach. I feel like no one will believe me bc I own a nice house and jewelry (gifts from parents before they retired). My husband has a good job. I work part time but don’t make very much.
The idea of going to a Gemach is so overwhelming I feel like I’d die. The shame of admitting I can’t afford “regular” life. The shame of announcing I’m poor. The desire to hold onto my dignity and get only what I can afford.
I was privileged my whole life. This is like “the little princess” movie where the rich girl becomes an orphan…and she won’t believe she’s poor even when she’s forced to be the cleaning girl.
I can’t be a cleaning girl.
I can’t accept that I am in the same financial bracket as the cleaning lady I grew up with (although she was part of the fam and we loved her).
I have anger bc of not for tuition we would be fine—not rich, but making it. Yes I know that’s a whole other topic.
Before yt I took the hems down of all my boys (only) suits that they got in April. I bought my daughter a dress from shein for $8.50 and another for $23.
Part of the problem is that since I grew up comfortable, I’m not good at “thinking” poor.
So my oldest needs a coat and I’m Google “down winter coat.” The cheapest ones are about $70 and go up to 400+. I found one he likes for $180 and just clicked by, with anger, bc can I get my son a freaking coat?! It’s not rational. The money will have to be subtracted from groceries bc that’s the only flexible area this month. But it’s yom tov so it’s not that flexible. I hate this. I hate hate hate this.
If I “thought poor” maybe I’d go to a Gemach. For all I know there’s a beautiful coat in his size that would work. But I think every time I’d look at him I would cry. I’d feel so much shame and guilt and embarrassment it wouldn’t be worth it.
We’re trying so hard to avoid debt and so far we have.
This is just so hard.
Am I crazy for not wanting to go to Gemachs?

Yeah that’s not a poor person mentality.
Poor person mentality: google coats. Find a coat for 70. Google this coat to see if it’s offered for cheaper anywhere else. Buy it for 40.

ETA and no the kids don’t really get to choose their coat. Maybe you curate a selection of 70$ coats to choose from. But not from all the google results.

I only buy 200$ coats for kids who don’t grow anymore. But I don’t need to subtract from my groceries.

amother

Leaf

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 6:02 am

I operate a gemach for something specific that many families need. My idealistic vision was that everyone would use it, not just people in need. Although I don't know or care to ask about anyone's socio-economic status, I've definitely dealt with some people that seem to be well off. And I'm so so happy they're availing themselves of this service. I wish more people would realize that it's a tradeoff: If you use gemachim you can use the saved money on groceries. Or winter coats.

Ruchel

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 6:24 am

I get and give second hand zero shame

amother

Wine

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 7:26 am

The local clothing gemach is open for all. I look at it as you give and take. I donate clothing I no longer need, and I get clothing from there when I need.
I don't always get from the gemach, but it has definitely been helpful and a lifesaver.

amother

Winterberry

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 7:44 am

If it’s a Gmach that gets their clothes from people’s cast offs I would have no shame because I’m not really taking, it’s items that would otherwise go in the garbage. Especially more so a gemavh like Serendipity in Lakewood that charges a small fee.

amother

Brunette ↓

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 10:22 am

I wouldn't call the survey accurate because you don't know who is answering in it. And what their lifestyle is.

amother

↑ Brunette

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 10:40 am

amother Winterberry wrote:

I personally had the opposite-and also based on experience. I wouldn't go to serendipity it's everyone's dumping ground. I have found the most interesting clothing hanging their. It's clear that they don't go through it thoroughly. For people looking for metzias. Serendipity could work. I like my kids in typical clothing. I'm looking for a black skirt. The ones on the rack are more worn then the orange skirt on the wrack. If I choose the orange skirt -or Amy not so typical color or style. There is a chance I'll be spending more money on a top trying to match it up.

I also find that they are hanging clothing by size. Not all company run accurate. In a sales store the sales woman could help. And tell me to size up. I also know that some companies run small. It's hard to figure it out on a random rack of clothes. Some clothes are preshrunk and some not. It's just less time consuming to go to one of the cheaper stores at the begging of the season and buy the black skirt there. For tips I try department stores h and m for example is cheap and fashionable. Their sales don't run according to the Jewish calendar so I could find sales early in the season. Their clothing is also more on the classic side so it's easier to pass down even a few years later to a next child. A navy sweater from a few years ago is still being sold today. Or in a different color not so "in and outline the from clothing. Lil legs clothing from two years ago looks "do last year" I'm sick of looking at it.

amother

Forestgreen ↓

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 10:55 am

In Monsey there's a new organization/ store where you can buy new clothing for very cheap. So if that's where you live, maybe it's worth looking into.

amother

↑ Trillium

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 5:06 pm

amother Brunette wrote:

I wouldn't call the survey accurate because you don't know who is answering in it. And what their lifestyle is.

It's asking frum women in a specific income bracket. How is that not accurate? That's the demographic. It's not meant to be targeted towards a specific lifestyle.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 6:20 pm

amother Forestgreen wrote:

In Monsey there's a new organization/ store where you can buy new clothing for very cheap. So if that's where you live, maybe it's worth looking into.

Do you have more info?

amother

↑ Forestgreen

Sat, Oct 26 2024, 11:02 pm

amother Apricot wrote:

Do you have more info?

It's called Bezolli. They advertise on Monsey WhatsApp groups