Could I tell 15 yr old son I'm disappointed in him

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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amother

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 9:53 am

I'm putting this in this section because maybe his adhd plays apart in in but maybe not.
My son is not going in the path I was hoping for.
As a child I noticed davening meant nothing to him. He wouldn't look in the siddur and he would space out but I figured he was young and I didn't push him.
Then he was bar mitzvahed and we realized he had adhd.
He made trouble in yeshiva so he was thrown out a few months before graduation.
He went to a high school he loved but unfortunately closed down in middle of the year.
I was scrambling to find a yeshiva that would take him.
In the meantime he was going down hill in yiddishkiet.
I found a yeshiva for boys like him and sent him there. He wanted a different yeshiva but I was nervous he would act out like in his old yeshiva.
Looking back I made a mistake in sending him to the yeshiva I did.
Now he is in a yeshiva he likes but had to go back a year when all his friends went on to the next grade.
He fell into a group of friends that I am kot happy with.
Problem is one friend he has known since kindergarten who is not going on the right path either.
Succos I'm not sure how much he went to daven didn't learn a bit refused to wear Yom tov clothing.
Now Hoshanah rabba he is still sleeping when we daven vasikin and I'm not sure there will be a minyan anymore.

Very calmly could I just say I'm disappointed in him and just leave it like that?
Will I be doing more harm than good?
He had a good reputation until he started hanging with these boys now he doesn't.
He said that he doesn't care because I sent him to the yeshiva I did last ýear a yeshiva for boys who can't sit and learn so I ruined his reputation by doing that.

amother

Nasturtium

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 9:56 am

No. Just tell him you love him
And mean it
Love him
Speak to someone in the field who can guide you
You’ll do better with love than criticism
Even if you’re right
Just be loving

mushkamothers

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 9:58 am

It's not fair to tell him that. He was never set up for success. He was always going to fail in the standard system. Whatever help or accommodations you got him was too little too late. You're disappointed with yourself, not with him. Don't project it. Just feel your pain and then regroup. Focus on teaching him skills to function and be happy.

amother

Natural

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 9:59 am

Hugs, OP. It’s hard, it’s really really hard. I know, been there done that. I wouldn’t say anything though. The things you mentioned are all religious choices, and I wouldn’t comment on those. I would save the “I’m disappointed” the things that he is less likely to come back from, if I would ever say it.

amother

Poinsettia

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 10:00 am

No. Nothing good will come if it.

I'm sorry ♥️

Kids with ADHD can struggle a lot in Yiddishkeit. Especially our boys. I have a kid with ADHD too who doesn't daven or learn as much as I'd like him to.

grace413

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 10:01 am

Yes, you would doing more harm than good to say you are disappointed. It's not easy.

amother

Arcticblue

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 10:24 am

You can have a conversation with him. Also about the fact that he thinks you are responsible for ruining his reputation by sending him to a Yeshiva he considers bad. Talk and see if you can come to a compromise and maybe send him to a place he feels is a good place. But he has to make an effort to be accepted in a place that he considers more reputable.

amother

Hibiscus

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 10:26 am

No no no please don't yell him. Share your feelings with us imas!!
This world is sooo tough for teen boys especially ones who can't acclimate in yeshiva system learning.
It's so hard. As a mom of teen boys pretty similar I get you!. When he takes a shower and looks so fresh (even without Yom tov clothing can) can you look at him and honestly tell him how handsome he is? Can you gawk at him like you did with your husband as newlyweds and when he makes I contact tell hom you just love him you can't stop looking at him. Can you stock the house with the Yom tov goodies he likes?
Hang in there. Search for the beauty you know is under there

amother

Coral

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 10:38 am

Does he have any beautiful qualities that he acted on recently? Think of it, tell him how proud you are of him for it.

He's been rejected so many times. He's struggled to fit in and couldn't. His school rejected him, literally threw him out a few months before elementary school graduation. Poor boy.

You want him to know that he should add your name to the list of people he's unintentionally disappointed? For simply existing with a psyche that doesn't enable his toeing the line? Break him down even more as if his self esteem isn't already in the gutter? Sorry if that comes across as mean, I'm sure that's not your intention. But that's what will happen.

Have you tried recently to have a conversation with him asking him how he feels about going to minyan? A conversation where the sole purpose is to understand how he feels, not with trying to get him to go?

amother

DarkOrange

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 11:49 am

Your disappointed in him because he doesn't like saying a bunch of meaningless Hebrew words in a book?

amother

Lavender ↓

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 11:51 am

A bochur who struggles with his learning but is still frum in this day and age, in this system is a hero. You should tell him how proud of him you are. The struggles our teen boys face we can’t imagine.

amother

↑ Lavender

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 12:00 pm

I love yiddishkeit. I hate the yeshiva system. Good pure neshamos that are lost and left wandering, with no taam for the beauty of being a Jew because they can’t learn and Daven.

amother

Aconite

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 12:33 pm

No, please don't use shaming.

He needs praise from you to reinforce all his good strengths.

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 1:23 pm

No way!!!
You are disappointed because he isn’t what you thought your child would look like.
But this isn’t about you.
You don’t get to tell your teen child what to do and what not to do
You can lead by example and then what they do is their choice.
Your job as a parent is to just love your child and be open and available for him to feel comfortable talking to you without being judged.
Try to imagine how he is hurting. Not succeeded in school and then also feeling like a failure at home?
Poor boy.
This is so hard for parents as well so please find yourself a good therapist or mentor who can help you.

sub

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 1:27 pm

NO!

BmoreBubby

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 1:30 pm

You didn't mention anything about his father. Does he have a father in his life or is it all on you?

Sewsew_mom

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 1:33 pm

This child isn't yours. It's God's child.
When you stop creating a specific path for him, he can potentially flourish into the person he's meant to be.
Your job as a mom is to love and bring out his good qualities.
Hashem can decide if he wants to be disappointed. That's not your job.
Please get better guidance in raising him and the rest of your children.
Chag sameach

tichellady

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 6:30 pm

He’s not your nachas project. He’s clearly struggling and needs help

amother

NeonPurple

Fri, Oct 25 2024, 5:30 am

I have a child a bit like this. Before you speak, ask yourself what are you hoping to achieve? My son will definitely not go to davening because I told him I'm disappointed. My mantra is, I know you wanted to go and you were just too tired. How are you going to get more sleep so tomorrow you can get up?

About the schooling, you both need to put the past behind you and move on. You need to say this to him explicitly, we've both made mistakes in the past, let's see where we are going from here. From now, we're not talking about what's been only about what will be. How are we going to help you become the best person you can be.

imaima

Sat, Oct 26 2024, 3:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think he knows.
Find the good in him

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