Can I bribe DD11 to go to therapy?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 2:32 am

She needs to speak to someone but she refuses. Is it ok to bribe her?

notshanarishona

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 2:35 am

Yes but pay attention and make sure she actually cooperates because therapy is useless if the kid isn’t interested in making it productive.

oneofakind

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 2:46 am

Yes but send to someone experienced who knows how to engage her.

amother

Amaryllis

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 2:51 am

Yes and you absolutely should.

amother

Blue ↓

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 5:22 am

My personal opinion is that bribes are good to get her started but if she still needs bribes in a few weeks/months I would rethink if therapy or this therapist is right for her. I would even tell DD this right up front, that you don't want her to feel forced.

Because the therapeutic relationship is essential. If your DD doesn't like or trust the therapist they probably can't do effective work. The first few sessions the therapist should prioritize getting your daughter to trust her and at least somewhat like coming. You can tell the therapist this.

(There's nuance to this because maybe your DD will like and trust the therapist but still need a bribe to go if she's ashamed of being in therapy or because she doesn't like the time of day she gos or something.)

You also have to think big picture, long term. If your daughter continually hates it but goes because she feel coerced or bribed, shes going to develop a bad taste for therapy. You want her to trust that therapy is a good thing in case she ever needs it in the future or as an adult

Fabulous

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 5:26 am

I find there’s also a difference between a bribe and incentive. For example: that day, they get to choose dinner/dinner out/lunch/ice cream by virtue of we are out already bec of this and I will pick it up for you or take you out in the same outing as opposed to if you go you get a prize

amother

↑ Blue

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 5:33 am

I think bribes are fine if done right.

"I know you really don't want to go, so if you push through the discomfort for four sessions I'll reward you with a trip to the toy store as a way to make this whole thing easier for you and so you can give therapy a fair shot. And if you still hate therapy after that, we can discuss whether it's worth continuing."

Or something like that

amother

Pansy

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 6:13 am

I grew up being forced to go to therapy. Bribed whatever...
Hated it. In the beginning I just thought it was my mothers way to get me out of the house had no idea what I was supposed to do there. Then the therapist informed me I was supposed to "talk" to her. About what?
I also grew up thinking there was something wrong with me. Like why do I need to see someone every week. Am I slow? I still don't have the greatest self esteem. Here's my advice. Instead of sending your kid to someone to "see". Take the money you would have spent and spend it on the kid.

amother

Forsythia

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 6:49 am

I don't think its a good idea , it would be better if you can convince her or help her to see the benefit to herself if she likes the person that she should try a few sessions. You can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink very much applies to therapy.

amother

Sand

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 7:49 am

For first few sessions yes
Afterwards make it a mommy and me time so it is positive.
As a kid I always went for slurpees or ice cream afterwards
Make sure therapy is presented in a happy light.
It was presented to me as very normal but more private and that’s why you don’t realize that so many people go.

Also let her know that you will let her change therapist if she doesn’t like her.
Therapist client is a shiduch and it can take a few tries to get it right.

amother

Black

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 8:09 am

Oh my gosh…in the same boat. My DD 11 really needs therapy and will shut down whenever I try to talk to her about what’s going on…she is not interested in any of the bribes/rewards I’m offering for therapy…it’s such a hard place to be in

amother

Magenta

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 9:11 am

Tell the therapist you are doing that and see what she says. I had a play therapist tell me that if the kid expresses and resentment or says she doesn't want to come then she stops working with them because in her experience if the kid feels forced then nothing will be accomplished.

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