Gemachs and pride/shame

amother

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 6:22 pm

We’re making a middle class salary but after tuition we are downright poor. We make to much to be on any government programs.
I grew up “comfortable” I.e my parents weren’t philanthropists but we had daily cleaning help, had a nice house, the whole fam went to Israel every year and while there we took taxis everywhere and ate almost every meal in a restaurant.
There’s an identity issue here where I refuse to believe I’m “THAT” poor that I’d have to go to a Gemach. I feel like no one will believe me bc I own a nice house and jewelry (gifts from parents before they retired). My husband has a good job. I work part time but don’t make very much.
The idea of going to a Gemach is so overwhelming I feel like I’d die. The shame of admitting I can’t afford “regular” life. The shame of announcing I’m poor. The desire to hold onto my dignity and get only what I can afford.
I was privileged my whole life. This is like “the little princess” movie where the rich girl becomes an orphan…and she won’t believe she’s poor even when she’s forced to be the cleaning girl.
I can’t be a cleaning girl.
I can’t accept that I am in the same financial bracket as the cleaning lady I grew up with (although she was part of the fam and we loved her).
I have anger bc of not for tuition we would be fine—not rich, but making it. Yes I know that’s a whole other topic.
Before yt I took the hems down of all my boys (only) suits that they got in April. I bought my daughter a dress from shein for $8.50 and another for $23.
Part of the problem is that since I grew up comfortable, I’m not good at “thinking” poor.
So my oldest needs a coat and I’m Google “down winter coat.” The cheapest ones are about $70 and go up to 400+. I found one he likes for $180 and just clicked by, with anger, bc can I get my son a freaking coat?! It’s not rational. The money will have to be subtracted from groceries bc that’s the only flexible area this month. But it’s yom tov so it’s not that flexible. I hate this. I hate hate hate this.
If I “thought poor” maybe I’d go to a Gemach. For all I know there’s a beautiful coat in his size that would work. But I think every time I’d look at him I would cry. I’d feel so much shame and guilt and embarrassment it wouldn’t be worth it.
We’re trying so hard to avoid debt and so far we have.
This is just so hard.
Am I crazy for not wanting to go to Gemachs?

amother

Lemon

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 6:41 pm

Not crazy, just foolish.

Would you feel less shame if it were called a "thrift store" rather than a gmach, with its implication that you're a chessed case? Many gmachs are nothing more than thrift shops, the proceeds of which support one cause or another. The customers aren't necessarily nebach cases getting a handout, merely bargain hunters getting a good deal. Some very well-off people shop thrift stores. Not only does everyone love a bargain, but upcycling--I think that's the latest term--is both environmentally responsible and very fashionable right now.

Of course, if you're addicted to disposables, the "environmentally responsible" excuse won't wash, but bargain-hunting for the challenge and the thrill is still socially acceptable.

amother

Vanilla

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 6:48 pm

Two secrets for you.(1) We could afford to buy everything new. My husband and I still buy a lot of our outerwear used on Ebay for a fraction of what it would cost new in the store.(2)My husband asked a shaalo about taking cloths from a gemach if the ones heading it insist that it is not for poor people, it is just a way to find users for unwanted clothing (the Rav said it is not taking tzedoka but if his taking will mean that really poor people who can't afford new clothing will lose out then he shouldn't)

amother

Diamond

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 6:52 pm

It's foolish, it's crazy, but I probably wouldn't go to a gemach either. So I understand you.

amother

Whitesmoke

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 6:53 pm

The clothing gemach in my community is for everyone and yes, we get most of our kids' clothes from there even though we make over 200k. We also give them clothes that we no longer need that are still usable.

amother

Cantaloupe

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 7:10 pm

Most of our community is in dire financial straits in the current economy. You’re not alone. Poverty freaking sucks. It impacts every part of your life and makes you so miserable.

That being said, you don’t necessarily need to go to a gemach. You can get cheap coats on sale from stores like Gap, in Burlington, or on Ali sites.

Old navy is actually 50% off now. Here’s a boys jacket for $26.99 - https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse.....00014

amother

Firethorn

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 7:26 pm

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

We find great deals but you have to have patience to look for sales at Burlington

amother

Tulip

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 7:54 pm

Move to Cleveland where it's no busha for most to go to the gemach m including ppl making130k

itsokay

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 8:01 pm

Hm I have no shame taking hand me downs or buying end of season for the next. No shame in using gown gemachs. I don't go to gemachs for clothing but it's more because it's not convenient and less because I'm embarrassed. But I hear how hard it can be for you to decrease your standard of living, I think that would be hard for anyone!

amother

Trillium ↓

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 9:09 pm

My family earns more than 350k and I have no qualms about getting used clothes for myself or the kids. No issues with going to a gemach as long as it's not only for low income. It's not shameful, it's sensible. Who doesn't love a good bargain? And why pay full price for new when you can often get like new or even new with tags clothes from gemachs.

Also, your cleaning lady growing up made a six figure income??

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 9:11 pm

I have no issues with it, but my husband is very uncomfortable with the idea of taking from a gemach- he refuses to accept tzedaka even though we desperately need it (honestly, 150k gross is barely enough to cover mortgage, tuition and food after taxes etc)

amother

Iris

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 9:50 pm

My husband barely works, I make under 80k as a therapist. I shop in gemachs for myself but there are no kid gemachs by me so I have to put their clothes on my cc or else I would shop at a gemach

ittsamother

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 10:49 pm

amother Trillium wrote:

If the cleaning lady was getting paid in cash, not paying taxes on it, and didn't have 6 kids in school at 60k of tuition, think about her take-home pay- it wasn't 6 figures, but OP doesn't have 6 figures to play with either. OP can very likely be in the same income bracket after taxes and tuition... OP's not walking around with $130k usable income. Far from it.

amother

Amber

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 10:52 pm

I shop on shein. For kids and for myself.

amother

Topaz

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 11:14 pm

1) I don’t think you grew up comfortable. You grew up wealthy.
I think $180 is quite a lot for a coat. I am fairly comfortable and shop DSW sales, Costco, old navy……

Furthermore, everyone I know looks at the gemach first for a gown. I tried the gemachs first and when I didn’t find I bought a Miri which I will then donate to the gemach. It’s just being smart.

joker

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 11:17 pm

Totally get you op. I grew up comfortable also and when we were young and poor I borrowed clothing especially maternity and bought from target. My family criticized me but I knew it made financial sense. Now bh we can afford but I still try to underspend no name brands etc. I would be too embarrassed to go to a gemach. Do any friends or cousins have hand me downs?

agreer

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 1:15 am

100% feel you OP.

I wouldn't go to a gemach either, but I have no problem going shopping at Target, TJ Maxx, Marshalls and looking at the clearance section for clothing for my kids and me, and then telling people where I got my stuff. I don't pretend it came from somewhere else.

amother

Poinsettia

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 1:28 am

OP I make a lot less than you but I wouldn’t go to a gamach. But I also would NEVER spend $180 on a kids coat. I also am not angry about paying (full) tuition: I consider it a privilege to educate our children.

Wolfsbane

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 1:32 am

amother Topaz wrote:

1)

Furthermore, everyone I know looks at the gemach first for a gown. I tried the gemachs first and when I didn’t find I bought a Miri which I will then donate to the gemach. It’s just being smart.

She means a gemach for everyday clothing, not simcha gowns.

notshanarishona ↓

Wed, Oct 23 2024, 2:30 am

amother Tulip wrote:

Move to Cleveland where it's no busha for most to go to the gemach m including ppl making130k

Lol, it does seem to be part of the Cleveland culture to get help but I think a big part of that is because so many people living here are low income. Most people move here for financial reasons or family so it makes sense that we have a higher poverty rate than your average city.
I remember when I first moved here I was mortified at the idea of shopping in the food pantry, now I don’t think twice before going to Chesed center. I don’t know if thats a good thing or a bad thing, lol.