My principal died. TW

amother

Apricot

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 7:47 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is a rant about people who have died and how I'm expected to feel about them.
If you think I'm disgusting, please move on... I'm my own best critic, you can never take that job from me.

My hs principal recently passed away. Suddenly she was turned into an all around tzadekes.
Posthumously she was turned into something marvelous.
She was kind to all students.
Loved everyone for who they were.
Never judged.
Always supported all
Saw each one as an individual.
Had so much compassion for the those struggling.

I'm so sick of it.
She was nasty and mean to me.
She banned me from certain things just because.
She knew I was struggling with someone else's secret (severe physical, emotional, and s-xual abuse) and never made an effort to talk. I tried reaching out to her so many times and was always told she will call me soon until I gave up and it broke me. Literally broke my heart to pieces. I suffered long repercussions for that secret I held onto with no adult support.
She gave the worst shidduch information on great girls (you end up hearing it back) all the while preaching to us to never do that.

Pray tell me, when was I so deeply asleep that I missed the martyr she turned into?
In what parallel universe was I living when the dragon turned into a dove?

I judge myself for even thinking those things because they're so forbidden.
I judge myself because I thought I'm long over it.
I judge myself because I'm here and she isn't.
I'm sorry 💔

I could've almost written this with some changes. I wonder if we had same principal who became such a tzedeikes overnight.
I also felt horrible when she was nifter that everyone was sad. even my own family members who she hurt and messed up shiduchem for were crying...
I totally get you

Cheiny

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 1:54 am

amother OP wrote:

No good has to come of this. But maybe, if I can just convince that one person struggling with an internal conflict of consciousness, thinking they're disgusting for not loving the dead, that they're not alone and that they're not despicable then I've accomplished something good.

A more productive goal would be for you to work through your feelings with a therapist so you can let go of the resentment.

amother

↑ Catmint

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 1:58 am

amother Steel wrote:

I believe that is the halacha, you aren't supposed to talk about the dead.
CW was an exception because he was in the category of a truly wicked person with no redeeming qualities.

Again no basis. His family strongly disagrees with you that he had no redeeming qualities. Plenty of people had wonderful experiences with him. Who are we to decide who has redeeming qualities? We don’t play god. Nor do we know what this principal did to op is considered in hashem’s eyes.

amother

Eggplant

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 2:20 am

Op, sorry you had a bad experience. Interesting that hundreds saw her in a different light. Perhaps you need some outsider to help you sort your feelings, and perhaps she or he wasn't the source of your trauma , but you would have liked more of a response from the person or dealing with more issues than principal should have, or could have handled. You sound angry, upset and hurt, but I haven't read something the prinicpal did or didn't do other tha. Not being available to you. We're your expectations realistic? Principals have lives and limitations too. Please get some help and healing. I do hear the frustration of achrei mos- kedoshim, when all dead become amazing. It's upsetting. But really if hundreds if not thousands had a good experience, please look at your pain and figure out if said Prinicipal really is your source.

byisrael

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 8:29 am

amother OP wrote:

I am keeping those thoughts to myself. Happily.

What gets me in real life is that she's being praised to high heavens when lots of her students had a very different experience.

There's no hate being carried in my day to day life. Corroding or otherwise. I just happened to have had a triggering with someone before posting and needed to vent.

Most people are complicated. The praising to high heavens is all probably real and true and the students she hurt and who are in pain are also real and true.

We ( humans) have a hard with this - we want everyone to be all villian or hero, when most people are neither.

When someone dies, we don't talk about the negatives because the are already answering for all that in shamayim. We talk about the good for the families who are grieving, and we choose to focus on the positive because that is what is comforting when someone looses someone.

I am close to someone who had terrible things to say about there spouse until the moment they died, when they turned into a saint. That's just the reality of the human experience, very few people are able to look at others the way they are, which is just human, who can be incredible and amazing and can be awful and terrible.

amother

Gray

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 8:48 am

I hear your pain op. As long as you’re a bit discreet about who you’re talking about, or you work it through privately with a few close people - I see no issue in being upfront about what happened.

It’s important for people to know that certain personality disordered/difficult people have a tendency to be abusive to a select few. This is part of their power scheme. They develop a strong following of people that become their supporters and on the side they have a few people they abuse. It’s like going to a fabulous party at someone’s house where the host is wonderful and there’s much joy and laughter but in a seperate room is two people in chains, hungry and crying.

I’m not saying the principal was like this. But people need to be educated on how manipulation works.

Most people have good intentions but their own coping mechanisms make them limited and not always nice. When they die we focus on their best intentions and that is admirable.

There are another catagory of people that build an emotional MLM pyramid. Where they become important and at the center of a network of people who admire them and depend on them. This gives them the cover they need to be abusive to a select few on the side. An of example of this is Chaim Walder and there are less extreme versions of him too. He famously told his victims, “nobody will believe you”.

I believe you op. I don’t know all the details but the pain is evident in your post and you deserve love and support to help you heal.