Response cards | Imamother

Amelia Bedelia

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 10:08 am

For those saying you respond if you're planning on attending, you're wrong. Please respond even if you are not planning on attending.
I do: Mr. And Mrs. Bedelia will iyh attend Simchas chassan v'kallah (if I'm not planning on attending the meal).

Mr. Bedelia will iyh attend.. if only dh is attending

Or Mr. and Mrs. Bedelia will be unable to attend. Mazel tov!

That being said, in my circles, return cards are no longer the norm. Like we've already established on this thread, it's not accurate. Most people don't send them back, or people change their minds and don't end up coming, or say they're not attending but end up staying for the meal.
Stamps are expensive and it's a waste of money. Most people I know make a pretty accurate estimate by guessing how many portions to order

Chayalle

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 10:17 am

I would never sit down to a meal at a wedding if I didn't send a response card saying that I'm coming (the exception was the time we decided to go say Mazal Tov at a relative's wedding Brooklyn - we had no intentions of sitting down, but they told us they reserved extra and we please should! So we did.)

Where I live (Lakewood) the whole concept of weddings and meals has changed in the last few years. Even if someone sends a response card saying they are coming, doesn't mean they are staying the whole time. Someone in the Simcha business recently told me he discourages people from booking more tables than the minimum (most halls here it's 350 people) unless their family is very large, because most seats get occupied multiple times. One person comes and sits for the appetizer and then leaves, someone else comes and sits for the main, etc....people don't come to sit for the whole wedding meal anymore, unless they are close family. He said count how many people in your family are coming, and figure the rest will be enough for neighbors, friends, and people in your shul. It usually is.

↑ singleagain

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 10:33 am

I know it's annoying and not something you want to have to do during your simcha, but do you not follow up with the people who don't send response cards?

I remember hearing that you should number the response cards and number the guests and then if you don't get a response card from the guest you double check and because apparently sometimes send a response card without their names ... And you need a way to verify all of that anyways

seeker ↓

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 11:37 am

I try but lately life has it that I often have no idea until closer to the event whether I'll be able to go. I agree that it's wrong to expect a meal if you don't respond but as for the annoyance of not receiving a card from me at all... I'm sorry. I really am. I just don't feel ready to commit to an answer one way or another and then all of a sudden it's the week before and I'm like oops I never replied.

amother

Snapdragon

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 12:03 pm

Young generation here- the response card probably got lost / colored on before I could manage to send it back. I appreciate when there's a url to respond online as an alternative (you can make some very classy looking Google forms and buy a custom url short term pretty cheap). Added bonus that you then just text/email the link to anyone youre missing RSVPs from.

mha3484 ↓

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 12:06 pm

seeker wrote:

I agree with this. I work full time and don't have easy children so unless your a really really close friend the assumption if I dont send the card back is dont order a plate for me. I cant plan my evenings that far in advance.

amother

↑ Taupe ↓

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 12:11 pm

mha3484 wrote:

How about responding- thank you so much for inviting me. Don’t reserve a seat for me but I will try to stop by and say Mazel Tov.

↑ mha3484

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 12:14 pm

I will usually text the friend or if I see them in person tell them how much I liked the invitation and I hope to stop in. But if I don't send the card back I think its assumed don't order a plate for me.

↑ seeker

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 12:31 pm

amother Taupe wrote:

How about responding- thank you so much for inviting me. Don’t reserve a seat for me but I will try to stop by and say Mazel Tov.

Yes, I do that sometimes. But other times I think I'd really like to go, before I reply yes I'd better check with husband... School calendar... Work deadline... I'll get to it in a couple of days ... And like I said suddenly it's the week before and too late to bother.

I'm not saying this is desirable behavior. I kick myself every time. I'm just explaining how it happens that many reply cards don't come back. It's not because we're all a bunch of jerks.

amother

↑ Taupe

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 12:35 pm

seeker wrote:

Not too late to bother. Often caterer give you until 24 or 48 hours before for your final number.

(Also in all honesty, 24 hours before, if I am paying for the plate, I might tell my 16 yo daughter to invite a friend )

amother

↑ Lemonlime

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 5:20 pm

singleagain wrote:

Yes this! Before my wedding, I designated friends/relatives to follow up (by text or phone) with people who didn't respond when it got close to the hall/caterer deadline, and I often did this for friends/relatives weddings as well. If you split it between people, it really isn't that much, especially by text message.

Also, a lot of online RSVP services will automatically remind guests when timing gets close.

Orangehead

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 8:04 pm

I respond if I am coming. Unfortunately, I get so many invitations and I can not possibly or want to go to all the weddings. I feel bad, so I do not reply.
Someone times I get invitations, I do not even know who the Balai simcha are.

joker

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 10:11 pm

I feel like this is largely generational? Anyone else agree? My mothers generation is horrified if we forget to send back a card but honestly despite all the best intentions most cards don’t get returned 😩
I’m all for online responses why spend money and energy

amother

Rainbow

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 2:26 am

I feel like age should be added to the poll.
Im 31 and It is something that bothers me, and now noone gets wedding money either. It's only the "older generation" that sends checks. ( younger just doesn't make alot?)
My older sister got close to 30k, (12 years ago) and alot were not even 50$ . I got married last year and got maybe 5k. I have a few siblings that got married within 5 years and noone got more than 10.
Yes, money comes from Hashem, but you see the trend change.
And personally, I kept a few nice response cards from people that wrote meaningful things.
B"h we attended alot of family simchas this year, weddings and bar mitzvahs and I responded to every reply card. Even if I wasn't going. - and no, I did not send a check, but it was a discussion with DH if its something we should do, and also depends for which cousin...and if we should send a present...

ETA - I've seen people that talk about and mention here the wedding money went to savings for houses etc.. and I'm like my 5k is not significant enough - until I found out they got 30... that's something that would have been substantial -b"h b"h I have enough for a down payment, and DH makes alot of money but wedding money was something people actually "made money from"

amother

Stoneblue

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 3:31 am

Digital invites are much easier for those who have smartphones but don't ever mail a letter. I think you would be more likely to get a response.

Maybe resend via a digital system?
Or 2 types of return - paper for the older generation or community members without smartphones, and e-invites for the younger/wish smartphones.

The e-invite websites are amazing with links to any lists, directions to the venue and allow you to enter allergies/mobility needs as well.

They also allow the couple to send messages/share pics if that is what they want (the Instagram generation).

It isn't the same as a printed invite but way cheaper and I print them out anyway for the older generation who like to have a physical copy.

↑ erm

Tue, Oct 22 2024, 12:30 pm

amother Clover wrote:

What does it mean, "I'm bad at mailing things"? It literally comes with a stamped return envelope.

It means that the envelope will sit on my counter and I usually forget about it before getting to a mailbox. The idea of responding is to let the bal simcha have a head count. By texting them, the objective is fulfilled.