My principal died. TW

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 7:42 pm

This is a rant about people who have died and how I'm expected to feel about them.
If you think I'm disgusting, please move on... I'm my own best critic, you can never take that job from me.

My hs principal recently passed away. Suddenly she was turned into an all around tzadekes.
Posthumously she was turned into something marvelous.
She was kind to all students.
Loved everyone for who they were.
Never judged.
Always supported all
Saw each one as an individual.
Had so much compassion for the those struggling.

I'm so sick of it.
She was nasty and mean to me.
She banned me from certain things just because.
She knew I was struggling with someone else's secret (severe physical, emotional, and s-xual abuse) and never made an effort to talk. I tried reaching out to her so many times and was always told she will call me soon until I gave up and it broke me. Literally broke my heart to pieces. I suffered long repercussions for that secret I held onto with no adult support.
She gave the worst shidduch information on great girls (you end up hearing it back) all the while preaching to us to never do that.

Pray tell me, when was I so deeply asleep that I missed the martyr she turned into?
In what parallel universe was I living when the dragon turned into a dove?

I judge myself for even thinking those things because they're so forbidden.
I judge myself because I thought I'm long over it.
I judge myself because I'm here and she isn't.
I'm sorry 💔

amother

Topaz

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 7:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is a rant about people who have died and how I'm expected to feel about them.
If you think I'm disgusting, please move on... I'm my own best critic, you can never take that job from me.

My hs principal recently passed away. Suddenly she was turned into an all around tzadeikis.
Posthumously she was turned into something marvelous.
She was kind to all students.
Loved everyone for who they were.
Never judged.
Always supported all
Saw each one as an individual.
Had so much compassion for the those struggling.

I'm so sick of it.
She was nasty and mean to me.
She banned me from certain things just because.
She knew I was struggling with someone else's secret (severe physical, emotional, and s-xual abuse) and never made an effort to talk. I tried reaching out to her so many times and was always told she will call me soon until I gave up and it broke me. Literally broke my heart to pieces. I suffered long repercussions for that secret I held onto with no adult support.
She gave the worst shidduch information on great girls (you end up hearing it back) all the while preaching to us to never do that.

Pray tell me, when was I so deeply asleep that I missed the martyr she turned into?
In what parallel universe was I living when the dragon turned into a dove?

I judge myself for even thinking those things because they're so forbidden.
I judge myself because I thought I'm long over it.
I judge myself because I'm here and she isn't.
I'm sorry 💔

Letting you know that I hugged you for real and not passive aggressively
My grandmother just died and I’m feeling guilty for not being sad. She wasn’t a good person. She hurt a lot of people. Don’t tell me I’m only allowed to say good things!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 8:12 pm

amother Marigold wrote:

I reported this because I'm pretty sure I know who you are talking about, there can't be too many female hs principals who were recently nifteres. Besides for being lashon horah, I can't even imagine how hurtful this would be for her children to read.

You can post it again in a few months and write that your principal died without saying recently.

And this is exactly the shaming I was expecting.
My experience is valid.
I do not have to be shut up.
My experience is shared.

And to be clear, there's unfortunately four principals that I know of in three different cities that died in the last six months (which is what I consider recently.)

amother

Green

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 8:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

Of course your experience is valid. I don't think the previous poster meant to shame you at all. She's just concerned that people might figure out who the principal is and it might hurt that principal's family members. It's so difficult when someone passes away who was not an easy person. You're left with many mixed feelings and guilt and that's totally valid and okay. It just may not be the right time to post this in case people can figure out who it is and it would be hurt. Best thing would be to speak to someone irl for now and then restart this thread in a few months as the poster suggested.

amother

↑ Marigold

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 8:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm not trying to shame you and I absolutely believe you. I just think it's wrong to write recently. I wasn't aware that there are four different female high school principals who died in the last 6 months, but that just means there are 4 families who might read this and start thinking that you're talking about their mother.

Ruchi

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 8:28 pm

amother Marigold wrote:

If any of these 4 families are on here, they don't have to read this to find out who their mother was. They will have known for a lot longer than op knew, what their mother was all about. They are not stupid nor dumb and will have without a shadow of doubt, known how she was to her pupils. Afterall, they know her best.

amother

Amber ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 8:31 pm

There's nothing wrong with having these thoughts. You're experience is real and you don't have to gaslight yourself.

People are human. Most people have good parts and bad parts. After they die, it's only socially appropriate to talk about their good parts. And the Halacha supports that, subject to the laws of Toeles.

It's hard though. It's hard to hear people glorifying you someone who hurt you. Someone who'll never be able to apologize or make it up to you because they're dead.

I cringe every time people talk about a certain Rabbi, how he was available for everyone. Except me apparently, when I was in a desperate situation. And I wonder if it was my fault. What did I do wrong? I know I didn't do anything wrong but maybe there was something wrong with me because everyone says he was so good.

I know logically that doesn't discount the people he helped. Neither does it make me wrong. They're both true. People are complicated that way.

But I don't have to deny my experience. It was real. It wasn't my fault. I was just as deserving of his help as anybody else. And what people say isn't true. It's not true that he was available to anyone in the community and every important, special or complicated case. It has some truth in it but it isn't true.

It's an isolating plates to be in. Yet I find that the more I embrace common humanity, the more compassion I can find for him, the more compassion I have for myself. When I turn judgmental towards others, I end up being judgmental towards myself too.

And judgmental isn't just criticizing. It's judging in any way. If I have to decide that he was a good person that's as judgmental as deciding he was a bad one. People are complicated. People have many parts and do many things and all human beings are full of contradictions. That doesn't make them hypocrites, everybody is full of contradictions.

And when I think that way it opens up more space for me to accept my own experience and also accept myself.

End rant. Thanks for the opportunity to put this in words. Sometimes it feels like it's forbidden to have these sentiments at all.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 8:35 pm

amother Amber wrote:

Thank you so much for these words. You've given me clarity and insight.

Yes, logically I know she was a flawed human being, just like all others walking this earth. My heart is having a hard time catching up with my brain.
I will get there.

I appreciate your words. You've helped me tonight.

amother

Almond

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 8:48 pm

You shouldn’t write bad things about someone who just entered shamayim.
I don’t know who she was but this doesn’t seem right unless she was truly a terrible person who acted like a rasha her whole life.
Are you saying that when people remembered nice things about her, they weren’t real?
Nice things is what the family wants to hear now.
Respect that even if you had a different experience.
I have bad memories of my father who is not alive but I don’t talk about it.
It’s not proper to badmouth dead people.
We are supposed to be moichel them so their neshamos go to a higher place in gan eden.
There’s no such thing as a perfect person. Every one knows that every person who is spoken about highly has many imperfections.it’s just not socially acceptable to speak about them.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 7:54 am

We don't badmouth the dead because we don't do anything to the dead that they can't respond to in kind.

You don't have to suddenly love this person, nor do you have to sing her praises. Just keep your thoughts to yourself as you did while she was alive.

Also, carrying around all this hate is corroding you from the inside out. High School was presumably a while ago; you should have gotten past it by now. As you haven't, professional help may be called for.

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Oct 21 2024, 8:05 am

amother Firebrick wrote:

I am keeping those thoughts to myself. Happily.

What gets me in real life is that she's being praised to high heavens when lots of her students had a very different experience.

There's no hate being carried in my day to day life. Corroding or otherwise. I just happened to have had a triggering with someone before posting and needed to vent.