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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

↑ Saddlebrown ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 5:58 am

amother Salmon wrote:

Curious how the car works? Do you go to a quiet spot? In the front seats or go to the back seats or trunk? Been wanting to try it.

Yes, go in the trunk. Just make sure you close it all the way for privacy.

Ruchel

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 6:46 am

amother Ghostwhite wrote:

I hate it...that's life. I also don't appreciate the thoughts that might go through my teens heads when we do lock our door.

If you go regularly they can't guess

There's no way I'd abandon the house though.

I go in my room. They have room time unless they need something in another room. Like why would they need to be elsewhere? I'm not in the living room at midnight either.

amother

Steelblue ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 7:41 am

amother Saddlebrown wrote:

Yes, go in the trunk. Just make sure you close it all the way for privacy.

Just warning you
You're going to get yelled at for not writing /s at the end of your post
And you'll get blamed when that poster and her husband get stuck in a locked trunk

Chayalle

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 7:47 am

I have times when I just tell my teen that I'm winding down now and need some space to read, etc...before bed. I can either hang out for that in the living room, or my bedroom, but the implication is, now it's me time.

DH and I have times where we might shmooze and I can say "I'm talking to Ta now" and my teen goes elsewhere and gives us space.

I think knowing how to give other people space is something young people should learn, it's a great social skill. At one point before she got married, my younger sister lived with us during the week for close to a year (she took a job in Lakewood, went home for Shabbos) and she was (IMVHO) a genius at knowing when to give us space, which is why it worked out so well. I never said anything to her, and when DH came home for supper she was never around - she was either in her room or out with friends. She also would disappear sometimes when we were gathered together shmoozing as a family, giving us space.

amother

Mocha

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 8:05 am

If you have teens or young twenties who study with any seriousness of purpose, work, socialize with friends, date, or participate in community activities, this is unlikely to work. I run an organized and disciplined household, but this seems overly rigid and unrealistic. If my children are hungry, they are permitted to eat, even when I need downtime. Sometimes they have friends over or are coming home from having been out. Yes, I have needs, but it’s their house as well.

essie14

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 8:34 am

Privacy to talk - we have a home office. If it's during hours that DH is working and I need to discuss something with him, I'll go down and if he can take a break , we chat.
If it's after working hours, we take a walk outside or take a drive.

Our kids don't really come into our bedroom. I lock the door every single time I get undressed because one time the door flew open by itself and I was stark naked.
So they are used to the door being locked at random times during the day and at night.
We don't have a hard and fast rule, but if our door is closed after 10 pm they don't really bother us. They knock whenever they come to our door anyway, no matter what time of the day it is.
Obviously when we're in any state of undress [[cough, cough, ahem]] the door is locked.

I don't restrict them from the common areas of the house ever. They're over 18. That seems ridiculous to me.

Cheiny ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 3:32 pm

amother Plum wrote:

No one has to be using the kitchen or other rooms after 11 or 12 or whatever time you want. They have whatever they need in their rooms and they hang out there quietly until they go to sleep. Why is this such a difficult concept? They can be respectful about others needs. Life doesn’t revolve around them and just because they want to be up really late doesn’t mean anyone else needs to be disturbed by it. And yes I stay in whatever room I want until I feel like it.

I’ve never heard of barring kids from being able to access the house after a certain hour. What if they need a drink?

amother

Tan ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 4:45 pm

Frum middle aged people do it in the car trunk?
Yea. Right.

amother

Cyan

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 4:59 pm

You just don’t. Having kids means giving up lots of things. Privacy is one of them. You can figure out little hacks and tricks, but you will not have full privacy until they grow up and move out. Many people want to have their cake and eat it too.

amother

↑ Tan ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 5:01 pm

amother Cyan wrote:

I mean, privacy is essential for any married couple. Its not just "oh well, wait until they grow up". Its completely essential for a marriage to survive and thrive. So you have to figure it out.

amother

↑ Steelblue ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 5:30 pm

amother Tan wrote:

Frum middle aged people do it in the car trunk?
Yea. Right.

Maybe if they get kidnapped and stuffed in a trunk

amother

↑ Tan ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 5:34 pm

amother Steelblue wrote:

Maybe if they get kidnapped and stuffed in a trunk

Right. That'll be their first thought. We've been kidnapped, lets somehow wriggle out of our bottoms and do the deed.

amother

↑ Steelblue ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 5:37 pm

amother Tan wrote:

Right. That'll be their first thought. We've been kidnapped, lets somehow wriggle out of our bottoms and do the deed.

Hey
You never know
Some people have needs, ya know?

amother

Nemesia ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 5:52 pm

amother Plum wrote:

Yes this is what I do. And it works wonders for all of us. All of our needs are met, they get to stay up and I get to have space to just do what I need to do. If they aren’t home they get home take a drink or whatever and head to their room. And I’m talking kids in high school not older. We said teens. Not 18+, 19 is barely a teen. Not sure why you are switching the convo or making a whole court case. And fyi you can set house rules at any age, your house your rules. You don’t have to give up living like a normal person just because you have older kids.

Omg you sounds like my parents. Your house... its their house just as much as it is yours fyi. Since if you died, they would inherit it. If you got divorced you would have to pay child support. Your money and the things you own belong to your kids aswell. I hate this mentality so much. We are the parents and all of this is ours, you are allowed to live here, do as we say.. Be thankful.
You are saying the world doesnt revolve around them. It seems like in your home the world revolves around you.
In a family every person should be respected and appreciated. This kind of style I know from my childhood (which was abusive) and from foster care. Both not great examples. I have never seen a house closed off in any loving family I have ever met.

If you want privacy.. go to your room. Since you are the one wanting something. I teach this to my 4 year old. When she wants to be alone and decides to send me away. No.. you want to be alone, thats alright. Go to your room or wherever you wanna be but you can't force others to go away. If I want peace and quiet I lock myself in a room after saying I need peace and quiet. And other kind of privacy, you have to get a bit creative

amother

↑ Nemesia ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 5:57 pm

Cheiny wrote:

I’ve never heard of barring kids from being able to access the house after a certain hour. What if they need a drink?

Some families lock their fridge. I have worked for cps and seen it. Its aweful. "Kids are supposed to eat when we all eat"
I consider that abuse. Food and water is a basic right at any time imo. Imagine you get thirsty at night and your husband doesnt ler you get some water. We would flip out and scream abuse. But some people think its okay to mistreat their kids lile that because "the house is ours". It enrages me

amother

↑ Mimosa ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 6:12 pm

Agree it’s awful to close off the house to teens just because you want privacy.

With that being said, I don’t see anything wrong with nicely telling a teen to skedaddle because I’m having a quiet dinner with Totty. Not a super private convo but I’d like to spend some time alone together and I’d rather my teen be in a different room. We’ll usually call him back into the kitchen after 10 minutes or so and then shmooze with him.

I’ll also send my young teen upstairs/to her room when I think it’s time for her to get to bed but she disagrees. I’ll tell her she can do whatever she’s doing (usually reading) upstairs in her room.

Don’t see anything wrong with these scenarios.

amother

↑ Nemesia

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 7:13 pm

amother Mimosa wrote:

Definitely nothing wrong. The difference is you are asking and your child respects your need. The poster above isnt asking. She us banning the kids and doesnt care about their needs because her needs are the ones that matter. And kids know the difference. Your kids still feel welcome in their own home... as they should!

↑ Cheiny

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 8:26 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

Agree. Sounds very unhealthy.

amother

Babypink ↓

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 8:50 pm

amother Plum wrote:

I have a room curfew. They can be up but need to hang out in their own rooms with their doors closed because the house is closed for the night.

Sorry but this is dysfunctional. Not ok.

amother

Tangerine

Sun, Oct 20 2024, 9:01 pm

I haven't figured it out, I have a 14 year old who stays up really late and it really bothers me when I want some me time out of my room. It's a small apartment, either the kitchen or the living room but she walks around doing basically nothing.
I sometimes put the little kids to sleep and go to my room, wait till she goes to sleep and then go out and do what I have to do.

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